[JustExisting]

I have no direction in life. I am almost 40. Only a few years ago I got really lucky and after a lifetime of poverty I received a windfall so I have some money now. Not enough to live on forever but I have this opportunity to finally try to make something of myself and I find myself completely stuck.

It makes me feel totally inept at life. Here I am with all the opportunity in the world and I can't find my way to integrate into the world.

I hired a math tutor because I never got an education in high school so I am trying to make up for that. But what next? college? I cant imagine being successful. and even if I did I have no social skills. They say that is the real path to success, networking. I can't network. I can't "sell myself" I dont feel capable of anything I feel worthless. I am terrified of life I just dont feel like there is a place for me in the world!

For the past few days I can't keep tears out of my eyes. I am sitting here trying to study my math and it just feels totally pointless. I feel like i am just wasting more time and money doing this.

I just wanted to scream out my frustrations. I guess I am done now.

[Skeezyks]

Thanks for sharing your frustration. And a belated congratulations on your windfall. I don't know as I have any useful advice to offer you. However here are links to 4 articles, from PC's archives, that perhaps may be of some help or at least interest:

6 Steps to Start 'Living Big' and Creating Your Best Life

So, You're Lost? The Advice You'd Never Expect

Breaking the Link Between Low Self-Esteem and Self-Sabotage

Where to Go When You Don't Know Where to Go | Mentoring and Recovery

[JustExisting]

Originally Posted by walking a path

I don't have a job either , so what I done is taken the time and worked on my psychology reading books , taking courses , lots of videos on you tube . I feel so much more peaceful , Therapy helps you change your negative beliefs so you think so much more clearly you can come up with solutions you could have never imagined before . Which will make you successful when you are out in the workforce cause coming up with solutions and dealing with people are keys to being productive .

I have been in therapy for over a year now. We have been going over my history for the most part it is a long convoluted story. So far therapy has helped me get more in touch with my feelings. When I first started I was so numb. All I was was numbness and loneliness and I was losing my ability to think because I was so isolated. I could hardly string a sentence together. He does his best to work on my self-esteem but I am very resistant to that kind of stuff. I have never been successful at anything and I really just feel so inadequate in life. Like I try to look forward and try to imagine some way that I can integrate into the world, that I can get along with people, that I can be successful in school, that I can stand working a job and doing the same thing everyday. I've had like 30 jobs in my life. I've seen it all and I didn't like what I saw.

At the moment I have this freedom and I just don't know if I can push myself to rejoin the cold Dark World of the zombie working force. If I am to avoid that fate I have to get an education. But college is like this brick wall in front of me. It's so daunting to think about starting. I don't think I'll even be accepted into a college my high school transcript is hilarious. Even if I did get into a college I just can't imagine being persistent enough and even smart enough to be successful.

I did try College once many years ago during a peak time in my life when I did have confidence. People led me to believe that if I just believed in myself and worked hard I would make it. Well I crashed and burned. And that led me to years and years of pain and poverty.

I do read a lot though. I love to learn. I just hate school. That's why I hired a math tutor because I can learn at my own pace. And there is no pressure If I fail then all I lost was the fee that I paid him. there's no school record I have to worry about, no curriculum that I have to try to follow. I don't even have to leave my house we meet via video calls. I still feel like I'm wasting my time though I guess it's good in general to know math and I really don't so it's a skill I need to acquire, but then what? Do I walk into a business and say hi I know math hire me. No I still have to go to school and get a degree, it just seems impossible and it makes me feel pathetic that it seems so impossible to me. Other people can just walk into school and do great and defy the odds I'm just not one of these people.

I am suicidal I'm trying to find a reason to live. Life feels empty and meaningless and I just don't feel like I can do anything with it why keep existing just to stare at walls and read books and do math work once in awhile?

I am sorry you feel so hopeless. It's definitely difficult to carry on when you don't see hope. Good you are seeing a therapist to help you a little. In my experience, keep thinking about how you would be doing in the distant future, especially if you are not doing well now, can diminish your self-esteem significantly and debilitate you as a result. You want to do something now that you have the resources and the time to get a good job. That's a starting point. Now you need to explore what feasible options you have or what you skills that can help you.

Can I ask why are you studying math in particular? Did you have a goal in mind? Math is good, but in itself is abstract. Curiosity is good though. I like math. In the past I studied a lot of math. But math is most useful when it's applied. Like in Physics or Engineering. I am asking because you want to learn something that leads you to somewhere better within your reach and abilities, right?

Have you tried online teaching platforms like Udemy? You can found 1000s of online courses as recorded videos, and you can watch them at your pace (you will have access for life-time, and the instructors keep updating their courses), and at the end you get a certificate, which you may include in your resume. Every now and then they offer courses at low prices (~$10 or so), so, it's affordable. Explore the topics available. Google what the job of each topic entails and if you see yourself doing it. For example, you can explore the option of learning a computer programming language that is in demand and land a job without a college degree. You can study by yourself and do a couple of projects you can show to potential employers. Explore, and see if you like something.

I try to avoid giving advice here because I am not in a good place myself, and I am not sure I can benefit anyone. I am around your age, and have been unemployed for the last year, and have been struggling for years to land a good job. I am trying my best. It's tough, but I have to push through until I see the light, as someone told me once. Good luck

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry to hear you're suffering, @JustExisting! Please be kind to yourself. It seems like you're REALLY trying your Best and that's what matters. Finding out what we REALLY want from Life can be TRULY HARD! Please don't blame yourself for that. I'm the same way. I also don't know what to do with my Life! I can definitely relate at least in part. Please NEVER give up Hope! I understand things are being hard for you right now. Still, I believe you CAN do it. Perhaps College may need to wait until you feel confident enough that you feel like you can tackle it. I do believe you are every bit as valuable and as smart as EVERYONE ELSE! Please ALWAYS remember that. That's REALLY important. It's good that you're seeing a therapist and I'd encourage you share EVERYTHING that's on your mind and that you wrote here to us. Hopefully you'll BOTH be able to work on this together. Please be kind to yourself. You're doing ALL you can and that's what matters in the end. Please keep working with your therapist and let him help you. That's what you're paying him for after all. I'm sure with time you'll be able to figure out what to do with your Life. Give it time! Take baby steps, ok? It WILL get easier. I'm SURE of that! Please remember to be kind to yourself as you're also trying to get an education for yourself and that's good as well. Also perhaps having a small job, even a part-time one, may be of some help to save some moiney at least. Give it a thought if you feel like it and perhaps discuss it with your therapist! I'm not sure if you have a support network right now. If you do, reach out to them! If you don't, we'll be here for you. Feel free to PM me ANYTIME when you need Advice and Support. Sending manny hugs to you, my dear, sweet friend! I'm sure PLENTY of others will gladly help you as well! Wishing you LOTS of Good Luck to you and your Life with WHATEVER you'll decide to do! Sending extra safe, warm hugs to you, @JustExisting, and ALL of your Loved Ones!

[mountainstream]

[Fuzzybear]

[Yzen]

Finding a direction in life seems to be a process of trying things and seeing what works and what is a waste of time. Keep working at it. It gets overwhelming to try to figure out your entire path in life at once. It hasn't worked for me.

I hope things get better for you, @JustExisting