Very slow today at work. Emotionally I was feeling alright. Not bad. I worked out after work and added some weight to it. It went well.

[leomama]

Originally Posted by the walls

I am reading yeats before work. I can’t pretend to be a scholar but it’s very comforting to have a book with me.


I brought some honey oranges to eat for dinner.


I thought I’d review my notes for training but it’s necessary to remember I have a soul.


I listened to the communist manifesto last night while cooking. Life doesn’t seem so bad. Yet I woke up so depressed this morning and I couldn’t help but self harm a little.


It’s seems I’m made of secrets and I’ll never quite have a real life.

Only oranges for dinner?

[giddykitty]

Originally Posted by leomama

What do you take ?

Right now I'm taking Sertraline 100mg for depression and Clonazepam .5mg for anxiety.

-------------

I'm feeling mixed today. Like, somethings got me down, but I'm generallyhappy with life (although I'm not really and I'm anxious too, but) I try to act positively and my mood follows. Having positive interactions with people really gives me a boost, I guess that's why I like forums so much because I don't really have anyone to talk to in RL. :/

:P

So mixed!

[Breaking Dawn]

I've been learning a lot today so far. I jotted down some notes, so I wouldn't forget. Kind of like journaling? I'm hoping this means I'm growing!

[giddykitty]

Huh! Weird how my signature is not showing in those above posts. Is it showing now?

[leomama]

Originally Posted by giddykitty

Right now I'm taking Sertraline 100mg for depression and Clonazepam .5mg for anxiety.



-------------



I'm feeling mixed today. Like, somethings got me down, but I'm generallyhappy with life (although I'm not really and I'm anxious too, but) I try to act positively and my mood follows. Having positive interactions with people really gives me a boost, I guess that's why I like forums so much because I don't really have anyone to talk to in RL. :/



:P


So mixed!

Are you on SSDI?

[giddykitty]

Originally Posted by leomama

Are you on SSDI?

No I am not.

[leomama]

Originally Posted by giddykitty

No I am not.

Cool. You’re working?

[leomama]

Originally Posted by giddykitty

Huh! Weird how my signature is not showing in those above posts. Is it showing now?

Yes I can see it

Very slow at work today. I had a couple of weird interactions with a couple of people at work today. One woman said that today is Taco Tuesday. She asked me if I ever go to one. I told her I didn't and she said, "you've got to get out of your igloo". Maybe she was trying to be humorous, I guess, but I didn't care for that remark.

And a guy asked me if I'm looking forward to Valentine's Day. I wondered why he asked me that? I have never been asked about Valentine's Day before. It was embarrassing since I don't have a S/O.

[3rd rock]

I finally got in touch with HR today. I'm all set to return in March. I don't know if it's the increased dosage in medication or the anticipation of returning to work, but I'm really anxious about it. I think I'll tell people I was in jail and out on parole when I come back or something to avoid having to tell the truth.

I hate my coworker. She always talks about what a great work ethic she has but what it really is is her taking my work away. Is there something wrong with me, I notice that if someone approaches with work, she sticks her hand out for it right away without thinking of me. I almost never do that because I think it’s a selfish move. So I started trying to stick my hand too. We both stuck out hands out tonight and the guy put it in her hand.

Why wouldn’t he put it in mine?

I also hate myself. For being an awkward person and I am deeply ashamed of everything I say and my behavior.

I need to cut.

I have no friends and wonder if this is because I’m a bad person.

My only friendship is over. I don’t want to speak to him if he doesn’t want to speak to me. I think he’s done with me anyway. We aren’t right for each other. I’m really sad and lonely. I hate myself for losing him. But of course it was never sustainable. I am ashamed and deeply hate myself for not being able to have friendships.

Rage is the only thing that lets me have a boundary. I don’t know how to have them otherwise. I’m defenseless against people. I need to dig deep and find that hatred and rage against others to do well for myself.

[Yzen]

Originally Posted by the walls

I hate my coworker. She always talks about what a great work ethic she has but what it really is is her taking my work away. Is there something wrong with me, I notice that if someone approaches with work, she sticks her hand out for it right away without thinking of me. I almost never do that because I think it’s a selfish move. So I started trying to stick my hand too. We both stuck out hands out tonight and the guy put it in her hand.

Why wouldn’t he put it in mine?

I wonder if people might see her as more approachable. I'm a quiet person and I think people ignore me more than someone that is more talkative and forward. I don't know your situation's details of course. She also might be very competitive. Competitive people at work might do things to impress and not think about their coworkers.

Either way, don't let one coworker make you hate yourself. You are more than your work. Taking care of yourself is more important.

So sorry to hear about your friendship and that you are feeling sad and lonely. I hope things change for the better for you, walls.

[3rd rock]

There must be something that's causing me to be physically exhausted all the time, regardless of sleep, diet, or exercise. I am wondering if there might be a physiological cause unrelated to chronic depression.

[Fuzzybear]

[Breaking Dawn]

I don't know what happened @Fuzzybear, but whatever it is, don't forget that so many of us here love you! This hurtful something that is making you sad is very wrong! Thank goodness for PC, so we can comfort each other during times like this! I'm grateful for you & so many others who understand! God bless you, dear wonderful Fuzzbear!

[3rd rock]

I'm feeling so awful I'm in bed nearly all day today. I got up at 8 and went back to bed a few hours later. Now I'm exhausted even though I haven't done anything besides some writing so far.

I am such a strange awkward person. My whole life I’ve been strange and vacant. No one wishes to speak to me. I must give off a strange vibe. I hate myself! I am an idiot!

[zapatoes]

Originally Posted by the walls

I am such a strange awkward person. My whole life I’ve been strange and vacant. No one wishes to speak to me. I must give off a strange vibe. I hate myself! I am an idiot!

Sorry you’re feeling this way and can relate as often feel this way. What helps me is to have a few close friends and/or family members to talk to when feeling lonely or depressed.

[giddykitty]

Originally Posted by 3rd rock

I'm feeling so awful I'm in bed nearly all day today. I got up at 8 and went back to bed a few hours later. Now I'm exhausted even though I haven't done anything besides some writing so far.

Hope you feel better soon!

[Yzen]

Hugs, peace, and calm to everyone struggling today.

[giddykitty]

I'm beginning to feel a little down right now.

Might I ask a question? (no, that wasn't it. ) For those of you diagnosed with major depressive disorder or identify with unipolar depression, what do your good days feel like? Do you ever experience racing thoughts due to too much excitement or anxiety? do you sleep less than when depressed (for instance, when depressed I can sleep up to 13 hours and still feel tired), ...

I'm just curious what normal is supposed to feel like. Does anyone really know?? Like I said, I'm beginning to feel a little down now, but this is getting to my "baseline". Like, I started treatment at around this level (a lower level).

Thanks!

[leomama]

Yeah I’m definitely feeling down. It’s Valentine’s Day and I have an ex fiancé and an ex husband. I’m working at minimum wage. I work, come home, and go to church on Sundays.

A very weird day today. At work various things didn't go the way I thought it would. It wasn't bad but it didn't make me feel good. And then I had struggled with downloading an app onto my phone for the company I work for. Felt small and dumb at that time. Also, when I warmed up leftover pizza for my lunch, it came out soggy. That hasn't happened before. After lunch it was slow but nice.

When I got home, more weirdness. I got a letter from my health insurance company saying that they can't cover an appointment I have for an MRI because they feel that it's not necessary for me. I never got anything like that before! And then tonight, while in the Jacuzzi, a man's wife was brought in by the Ambulance. It was so weird to see the gurney with someone on it just on the other side of the gate.

I had a rough start today. I was too depressed to train. When I got to work the coworker I have trouble getting along with had brought donuts in the morning and there were none left for me. I’ve been feeling like she takes all the work for herself and is socially manipulative. I felt like the donuts were a personal slight.

But... I got promoted today! I have been working towards this. I’m still cautious about it since I have to grow a lot into the role to meet and then exceed expectations. They are starting me out with the smaller tasks while I continue training. And I’m always going to be watching my back.

I’m very relieved this happened and I’ve gotten out of The Void. I feel like I have a little bit of a better chance at life now. I can’t believe I’ve come this far, even if it’s not actually that far. For me it is though, I have such low self esteem and feel empty and incomplete. Anyway, after this semester, I’ll go take classes and start preparing for the next move. I hope by the end of the spring semester I’ll have moved into my new job completely. This semester I am taking classes unrelated to my field of work to get some fresh air...

I don’t know why I’m feeling so calm about this. I don’t necessarily feel happy. Maybe because I’m depressed. Or maybe because I know that I still have a lot of work to do and I’m thinking of what I’ll do beyond this new job. I think five steps ahead. I’ll go even further.

I’m afraid I can’t do the new job haha. But they wouldn’t move me up if they didn’t think I could. I’m going to kill it.