[Abby]

This is probably rather silly to post about considering everyone else's problems here at the moment, which i do read but for some reason go away from because my words just feel so pitiful - yet i wanted to explain why this is so.

I've had depression on and off since i was 12, but only really realised this 5 years ago. I have what psychiatrists call resistant agitated depression - whatever that it! I have had yrs when i was so depressed i did nothing but the absolute minimum. But of course i have had times where i have only been hit for a month of so and then after some self-indulgence got on with life. I must have done ok considering i'm in my last yr at uni. But a few months ago i started a horrendous spiral into depression which went further down than i could ever imagine was possible. The pain was immense, and i continued to struggle on but the thoughts of suicide became complete and possible. I'm not writing this for drama, just simply to explain the debth i was at.

Anyway to cut a long story short i went to the emergency room and saw a pdoc who gave me stronger anti-depressants etc. So now i am back in a mechanical lull. I say this because i do believe i am simply coping even though i appear and do feel fairly light at times. I dont know if anyone saw my other post recently when i expressed feeling as though i was in 2 halfs but the depressed side of me rarely has a chance to come out. But when it does come out, i remember the pain and it is as though i am back there. It is as though the pain during that time has affected me so much that when i think about that time i am right back in that moment. It is so horrendous - no words will ever be able to do it justice.

This has never happened to me before. I'm not really able to really move forward because i remember that darkness and it is still more that i can manage. This is why i say i am living in a mechanical lull. The void hurt me so much i don't think i can turn around and look away competely. Has anyone else experienced this and if so is there a way to almost, come to terms with what has happened?

I just wanted to explain too why i don't post on here much. Sometimes reading the words others write fills me with so much anquish for them as i know that nothing(!!) i can say can change that darkness and that is difficult to handle. I just never ever want me or anyone else in the entire world to feel that amount of pain ever again. It frightens me so much.

[stefano]

OH yeah, The Void...
Well, when I get depressed, I use to say I amd beyond consolation. But then I realize that if I didn't have support I would be WORSE.
Yes, the experience of depression's sheer pain leaves bad scars, you are right. I am left with the persistent idea that I had better not be born. I try to menage my life as best as I can, now that the damage is done. Yet I will never have kids
When I have scheduled something pleasant, I hope heartly that depression will not break in to spoil the pleasure.
I suppose tha is what means to have a cronic illness... Like a menacing shadow walking with you.
I don't have much comfort to give you, but you see that you are NOT alone. Many people can relate. Once again, you may think it's no consolation, but once again it is yet better then to suffer alone.

The best of luck, really

[haunted]

Yes, I know about lull. I have been there at times in my life. Right now I'm trying to deal with the darkest depression that I Have ever been through, certainly the longest. Being in the "void" is like balancing on a highwire. One wrong step and you're gone and praying that the safety net of the meds holds. I am still struggling with coming to terms with the way i am. It's like happy feelings frighten me as much as the depression does.

And i know how you feel about not posting much. I read almost every post here but am simply at a loss for words to comfort anyone when I can't even comfort myself. I feel for everyone here. I know that my reply doesn't help but I just wanted you to know that I understand what you're saying.

Take care.

[nowheretorun]

the "lull" ... i wonder if it fits the "daze" and the "blankness" and the "i dont want to , i cant , whats the use? " category?

the "lull" is one of the worst for me cause i dont even care if i help myself at that point...

im not even sure i can comprehend self help at that point...

ive never taken to bed and cried, but the "daze" hung around a long time...

hadnt seen it in awhile, until today..

in my view, its a "marker" ... it tells me i'm passing between cycles... either a down to a down or a down to an up, or an up to a down, etc..

i used to be "dazed" regularly, but now only its occasionally, so i see that as improving...

hugs to all..