BREAKING UP IN THE VOID

Ok, so we all know that building a love relationship online is not very healthy, independently of mind conditions. Say we’re talking about normal, healthy people who don’t need meds or therapy. When I visit this other “normal” forum to discuss love relationships with “normal” people, I only find a LOT of frustration and anger. It’s sort of just like here, except that forum is supposed to be about “normal” folks. The same happens at the music forum – anger and frustration are all over the place and the kids just beat each other up with mean words and mean competition.

So that they’re actually helping me understand what went on between me and HIM, him being someone who has mental issues and is currently unable to get any kind of pro help, whom I’ve met online and started to develop a relationship with. Much to my disappointment, it went sour exactly when it was becoming excellent, although it’s very easy to identify the reasons why it went sour, and the main reason is the distance; the “no-skin” situation being more of an issue for him than for me, but, what the heck, we can’t always get what we want, right? I mean, it’s Rolling Stones, but it’s true, haha!

What went on between HIM and I is, the more we got involved, the more I enjoyed it and although he has proven to me how he enjoyed it just as much, the more he got scared and overwhelmed by falling for someone so far away. Thing is, I don’t believe it went sour due to distance or the online situation, because I happen to know about very happy marriages between people who have met online. I think it went sour because I’m getting help and I’m getting healing and relief from the little monsters which inhabit minds like ours, whereas he isn’t. So he’s hurt me a few times by writing aggressive lines and I was able to forgive him. I’ve hurt him just once and he wasn’t able to forgive me. He’s stopped talking to me altogether because of one little thing that becomes over-magnified in his head because he’s not getting help.

Since I am, I figure he’s either going to come to terms with the whole story and do his part to at least save the friendship, or we’re never going to communicate again. Either way, I’m actually cool with it. I’m moving on. It’s so funny because only two months ago it would have crushed me to get a royal kick in the butt, knowing that I’d done NOTHING to deserve it. It was nothing more than a simple misunderstanding that normal couples deal with constantly. I can’t change anyone but myself, though, so… I’m changing. I’m not crushed. I’m sorry, but not crushed – major step up. I can see beyond tunnel vision, now, and not be sorry for myself or feel guilty when I know there’s absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.

Anyways, this is just some feedback, in case there’s anyone here going through similar stuff. I wanted to share because I’m feeling good and I believe in healing and overcoming patterns of self-destruction.

Love is good. Forgiveness, understanding and generosity are acts of love. Wish you all loads of it.

Dear Saudade -- Give yourself a big reward for getting treatment and for your maturity and insight in recognizing that it is YOUR growth that caused the break-up, not some defect in you. Brava!

I recently read a book called The Heart's Code by Paul Pearson or Person, something like that. In it he reminds that to love, to care, means that we must make ourselves vulnerable -- and so it is always those we care about most who have the greatest power to wound us. Doesn't make the pain hurt less but does remind me that it's part of being a well-rounded human being, part of the human experience.

Thanks for sharing your growth.

((((((((Saudade)))))))))

{{{{{{{{{{saudy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I had a relationship like that quite a few years ago. I can relate completely. The break-up came because he couldn't forgive me for something I did and flat refused to understand. I thought we had something wonderful. We even met face to face and it went well, but in the end... well... he wouldn't forgive me for a small indiscretion. Unlike you, it took me quite a while to get over it. I was separated from my husband at the time, so I guess you could say I put myself through two heartbreaks at once. That's when I decided that I'd never let myself care that much again... for ANYONE! I locked up my heart nice and tight! In so many ways, Saudy, you're a whole lot farther ahead of the game than I was.

One word of caution: Don't stuff any feelings of hurt or disappointment you may have. It will just come back to haunt you later.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Saudade}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Breaking up is never easy, or are the words 'breaking up is hard to do' ? Someone close to me recently broke off a 4 year relationship and she tried to stay friends but his ego got in the way of a previous long term relationship becoming a friendship. Healing and overcoming a pattern of self destruction as in your last sentence is very important and unfortunately can only be overcome through experience. So we have to hurt in order to heal. Relationships are so damn difficult and it is so easy to opt out or abandon ship but not necessarily the solution.
Hang in there - time heals all wounds.

Dear!
Thank you, Tomi. It feels good when we can really relate to someone's post. That's when the supporting feedback works. NEAT!

I hear you, I'm aware of the bottle up routine... I do have outlets for those feelings, though. I like to try and do things

You always sound like such a lovely person... it's hard to believe that you don't care for anyone that much.
my guess is that your heart is bigger than that...

Be well. Thank you.

Oh, I care a whole lot for many different people. I even still love my husband no matter how hard he and I both have tried to make me stop. LOL Yeah, the same guy I was split from when "that thing" took place. We're back together but he flat refuses to tell me he loves me. If I tell him I love him, what I get is "It's understandable!" So... I don't tell him very much, unless it slips out. It's tough loving someone when you have to keep a rein on it, ya know? But for me, it's better that way. When things go wrong, I don't fall apart.

There's only five people that I don't hold my love back from. Those are my youngest son and four of my grandkids. The other four I never see or communicate with so... It always blows me away when my grandkids show their affection for me, especially the two five yr olds, one a girl and the other a boy; cousins. They sit on my lap or next to me, the boy holds my hand all the time and with his other hand he either rubs my arm or pats my face ever so gently. My granddaughter is more active, but if she goes past me, she stops to hug and kiss me and tell me she loves me. Sometimes, she stops what she's doing, acts alarmed and says "It's been too long since I told my "Bela" I love her!!" She comes over and doses me really good with her baby love then goes back to what she was doing. LOL I can't put it into words how that makes me feel. It's the closest that I could come to Heaven on this earth, ya know? Real "romantic love" has been just beyond my reach except for the first eight or nine months that hubby and I were married. I was soooo "in love"!!

"It's better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all." There was a time I couldn't say that.

It's so wonderful; all different types of love! The desciption of grandchildren's love is... Lol That is something I may never experience - never wanted to have kids. It sounds so delicate, though.
Gentle. Soothing.

((((((SEPTEMBER))))) totally cool