I'm sorry.

How is it that I can go from having a perfectly good night, to waking up the day and feeling like absolute crap the next afternoon?

I actually went out last night. Got myself dressed up, make-up and everything, and went downtown with two of my good friends that I haven’t seen in SO long. We had a good time, drinks and dancing, and I was feeling pretty good. I even had some guy (that I didn’t know) come up to me and tell me how beautiful he thought I looked – and then he walked away. So it was clear he wasn’t just trying to “hook up” with me, he just wanted to complement me. That NEVER happens – to anyone really. What are the chances some stranger complements you with no strings attached? Honestly…

Anyways, I’m off track. My point was that I had a really good night last night. Good right? You would think….

But even after ALL that, I still managed to have the most horrible dream. I was with my “mom” and she was all loving and comforting. Good right? Wrong… again. It was good until I woke up, and realized, that that’s all she will ever be to me now… a dream.

And yes I know, same old story, but god damnit I HATE that story with more passion than I do for anything else. It haunts me, and teases me, dangling something in front of me that I will never experience again … that feeling of safety and love. I HATE YOU STUPID SAFETY AND LOVE! And I hate her for making me feel that way because before I met her, I was perfectly happy without it. And just when I got a taste, just when I realised that there was actually good out there to offer me … it was gone just as fast.

I’m so angry and I don’t know what to do. Mostly, I hate myself for being like this. HATE myself for being this person who needs all that stupid affection business. HATE that I’m the type of person who scared this wonderful woman away by mentioning my SI … because she was the person I most trusted in all the world… because I was STUPID enough to do so.

Screw this. Screw her. I’m too screwed up to be fixed now.

(((jacq))) dont beat yourself up hon, that isnt going to fix it...

its ok to be mad and frustrated and even to feel like giving up cause those things pass, but berating yourself sinks in deep and it takes a lot of work to undo...

i'm learning (no perfect yet) to say ... this isnt what i want... here's why... what do i want? how do i get it?

usually i dont even ask myself if what i want is even possible, usually i just presume that it is... its not til i gout about getting it that i realize it may not be that simple, or even possible...

i used to beat myself up, still will on occasion, but take it from me, it isnt what you need or want... sending love...

(((((((((nwtr)))))))))
Thank you for your response... although, I'm not so sure i can be as optimistic about this situation ... I know that its not possible with her anymore ... now I have to work on getting over it and moving on with my life. It would be a lot easier though, if i could at least get a break from myself when sleeping...

((((((((jacq))))))))))))))

Sit with me baby, I feel the same...I hate being dependent on stupid afection and love and hate when I feel abandoned or rejected....

You have us, not all is lost....I am having a bad day too..so we can hold each other and just get through....cos we will, it's only a bad day...plenty of good ones to outplay them.....

love you, cuddles, Jinny xxxxxxxx

Jinny is so right. It's a bad day. It will pass. It will be a new day tomorrow. Do your best to keep it all in the right perspective.

I've learned lately to give myself recovery time whenever I get overstimulated by something. Good or bad, fun or difficult the stress wilI inevitably trigger a 'post-whatever blues' period of time for me. Could be hours, could be days if I let it go on. Now I benefit from knowing about the pattern and respecting it accordingly.

Like you the post-time is often visited with dreams or mind-occupations about the most burning, troubling issue in my life. It comes to draw me into its web of dispair and sadness. When I'm least equiped with solutions or strategies. I've discovered that if I give myself time to de-compress or level from the inbalance then I can avoid the suffering. I don't let myself think about issues that cause me further sadness. I avoid trying to make sense of anything that comes into my head or any sorrow that comes over my heart.

I basically take a wellness day to recover when something happens to throw me off my balance. Perhaps its something that could help you too. Deny yourself permission to think about your situation with your mother or any other topic that will bring you down. Today is a recovery day. A day of pampering and pacing and affirmations. A day of doing what you know will lift you up and avoiding what you know will bring you down.

Love yourself. Love yourself through the sadness and be the wiser for having coped. It is what it is. Your issues won't go away and today is not the day to find the miracle. Acknowledge the pain and the anger but don't let yourself dwell in it. Don't deny what you are feeling, say it outload once if you have to but don't entertain it. Shout it out and name if it will help but don't let it visit. Entertain thoughts of self love. Do self-loving things. Give yourself a break to level out again. Leave your cares to the universe.

Whatever is good, true and honourable, think, dwell on these things that the love in you may minister to your needs and bring peace to your soul.

Take good care.....

((((((((((((((( jacq ))))))))))))))

Chocolatelover, what a wonderful post. I love how you call it recovery time. (I call it giving myself "room" around my emotions). I love that you embrace it and let it happen and don't judge yourself for it, and give your cares to the universe.

Wonderful post. Thank you!

((((((((Jinny))))))) - I will definitely sit with you ... I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so bad too

(((((((((((chocolatelover)))))))))) - I wish it were only a matter of perspective... but things have been all over the place lately, and it's taking a real tole on me to have to try and cope each day. Thank you for your response though ... I will have to try and make a more conscious effort to take care of myself and limit my thinking more ...

(((((((((Fuzzy))))))))))


I feel at such a loss right now. Like this big black cloud is hovering over me and slowly attacking bits and pieces of me at a time.

But you all don't need to hear details about that. in fact, i don't even deserve any more answers to this thread. Just ignore me ... it's probably better for the both of us, i don't deserve to hear anything good. I don't deserve to even be here. I'm sorry for wasting your time, i'll shut up now.

jaca10 I'm so sorry you're feelng bad at the moment. It is just so amazing how fast our moods can turn, isn't it?!

It isn't stupid for wanting affection, it's a need and it's perfectly natural and so strong of a cravng for some of us. It's so important. That doesn't make us bad or wrong or stupid. I think it makes us pretty darn smart for knowing what we need.

from my heart

((((((((((((ECHOES)))))))))))))
Thank you hun

(((((((((((((jacq))))))))))))))

holding you tight........

((((((((((((Jinny)))))))))

Why do people say they love you when they don't?

Why do people promise things that they can't keep?

And why am I still naive enough to believe it when people say these things?

(((((((((((Jacq)))))))))))

Some people are jerks.

I'm sorry you went from having such a goodnight to having such a bad night.

I think that some people gave some really good advice and unfortunately right now I'm fresh out.

You are loved. Even if I never meet you in person, you are.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
jacq10 said:
Why do people say they love you when they don't?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Because love means so many different things to different people. It's such a vague and undefined thing. I love my kids and I love ice cream but those are wildly different emotions. I'm sure whoever you're referring to sincerely meant something, it just might not have been what you (or even they) thought it meant.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
jacq10 said:Why do people promise things that they can't keep?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
When people make promises they usually want to keep their word. Unfortunately, things change and preserving that promise is no longer possible or even desired. How people deal with this flux in life is the corner stone of character.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
jacq10 said:And why am I still naive enough to believe it when people say these things?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Because that's hope and hope is necessary.

Good luck to you and be safe.

Cyran0



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(((jacq))) I'll sit with you too... but you simply must stop those thoughts!

((((((((((Christina))))))))) You are loved too my friend...

(((((((((Cyran0))))))))) You're right. In everything you said was right. And even when I was writing those things down last night, I could rationalize them ... but rationalizing something and feeling something are different things too, and unfortunately, my heart is getting in the way of my mind. I can't get past the hurt...

(((((Sky)))))... i know, my thinking is spiraling around many cognitive distortions... thank you for sitting with me though...

I can't do this anymore ... I need to leave here

((((jacq)))) ... i'm crushed and at the same time i support you... when i came back i considered that being here would re-arouse feelings i believed i had processed... that is what happened alright, but im still glad i came...

i think for me, sometimes its better to take a break and not process, sometimes we have to let settle what we've learned about ourselves and later, at another time in the future, we find that what we've torn loose and re-packed is still there, but in a better place... we keep repacking and repacking...

i will miss you...

(((((((((((((( jacq ))))))))))))))

(((((((((((nwtr)))))))))))

I guess I should have been more clear in my post .. i wasn't talking about leaving PC, but was talking about leaving NS where my family is. I meant I want to home. Family is triggering too many things and i can't deal with the atmosphere here anymore.

Although, now that i re-read it, i can't see how my post could have been mis-leading.... I'm sorry to all that i confused by that! Was not my intention...

((((((((Fuzzy)))))))

ah! whew!. glad that was a falsee alarm! (((jacq10)))

Sorry to scare you!!
(((((((((nowheretorun)))))))

did you kick some airline butt?

lol it was actually my dads fault... and I don't think it would go over to well if i kicked his butt!