Trying to recover from severe depression.

One of my sisters talked to me on the phone yesterday. She was pretty dissatisfied with how I've handled getting medical care, physical and psychiatric. She got argumentative. I told her I had no defense for not doing a better job. I should have gotten the anemia resolved before now. I was relieved when the conversation ended and I was off the phone. Then I felt bad about it all evening and today.

After years of us being distant, she had seemed so caring when my guy died and then when I was twice in the psych hospital. I was so pleased that she cared that much and was offering to help me anyway she could. I started confiding in her like I hadn't done in years. I even called her a few days ago when I lost electricity, on top of having depression and anxiety that had worsened for days. She encouraged me to go to the hotel. Her support made me feel less alone. Then, yesterday, I guess she ran out of good will toward me. She went back to being smug and judgemental. I wasn't expecting that. I'm hurt and sad. I feel like a fool for having thought she had changed.

Tomorrow I have a professional organizer coming by to help me with the chaos of my apt. He's expensive, but I can't seem to do much by myself.

It's no wonder you feel hurt and sad from how your sister changes how she is with you. I've done this with mine but its different, you know. God was I ever stupid a while ago to confide in her... anyways I see that it's hurtful when you confide, they want to help and then get more judgmental. I don't think people, even family you want to trust, if they haven't been in your shoes with the depression and grief and all you've been through, they just don't GET it. None of my family ever understood my depression. I guess the closest I had to some understanding was my mother because she took antidepressants. I hope you can sleep. I hope tomorrow that guy is helpful to make you feel better about your apartment.

Years ago this sister said to me, "I have lots of things I could get depressed about, but I don't let myself." Several times, she has said that I get depressed just because I "dwell on stuff" too much. She has said to me, "Use your coping skills." Recently, she said it sounded like the psych hospital was not teaching me "coping skills." That should have clued me that she was getting fed up with me and my issues. She, herself, has a master's degree in counseling. "Coping Skills" must have been a chapter in one of her text books.

Some of these digs she's given me were times when she had called me and caught me in the midst of having a tough time. It wasn't like I was a needy nuisance, pestering her for attention. One time she heard from our father that he noticed I sounded weepy during a phone conversation we'ld had. So she sent cops to my door, without even phoning me herself. Some kind of power trip she was on.

What kills me now is that, after keeping my guard up around her for years, I fall for some sweet talk, drop my guard, trust her and, then, wham. I hate that I gave her the opportunity to hurt me again.

Thanks for explaining more. My sister always thinks she can handle stuff.. i wasnt pestering her either. I don't even know what kind of work she did in the last few years but she makes a big deal about knowing what's best for everyone. She had a govt job. She has the "I know you better than you know yourself" attitude. Anyways, just wanted to say I get how family can't understand or be helpful sometimes. How they listen and talk behind my back, sorry rose that's me my family. I better go to bed and just wanted you to know someone is listening and cares as life has become so lonely. Me too but we keep taking steps forward. I'm going to be ok no worries. Good Night

Thanks, daffodils. It sure has not seemed like your family has been there for you much at all. You always deserved better. You still do.

I'm so sad this morning. I lost the one person who loved me. I will be alone for what remains of my life. There may be people around me. They won't be people who love me. I probably won't love them either. I had thought that maybe a dog would be enough for me. I don't want a dog. I want who I lost. I want the love that is gone from me. I won't change. I won't recover. I remember the bleakness of my life before I found him. At least then I had youth. I've lost that. If I gained any wisdom - it tells me that overcoming the loneliness of being without love takes more than I can come up with.

Every day lately I've felt tortured by grief and anxiety. I see no end to this. What is going to become of me? Faith in anything has deserted me. With these kind of thoughts, I don't even deserve to hope. I'm in h*e*l*l before I'm even dead. I'm sorry.

your sister has a master's degree in counseling? she should have called you before calling the police to check on you. and you have a right to feel how you feel. it took me many yrs to develop coping skills. i never thought i would be able to get out of my pit of despair but i worked really hard on finding my way out. i saw many therapists but none of them helped me. i finally found my own way out.i hope one day you will be able to do that too. it's hard not feeling anyone around you loves you but your s.o. did so keep that in your heart. sometimes it just takes a while to figure things out. the answer is within all of us. life is so short, you spent most of it caring for someone else, it's your time now to have some happiness. you really deserve it rose.

This thread has been closed at the OP's request.