Trying to recover from severe depression.

COVID continues as a risk for all of us. It is safest to minimize exposure to others.

I'm not aware of what kind of "retirement community" is set up so residents are not living alone.

Right now, where I live is where I'll be living.

Thanks, divine, for trying to think of options. Someplace to go and be around other people would benefit me. I have considered looking for a volunteer opportunity. I feel like I have to get less disorganized first.

Woke up at 7:30 a.m. By 10:30 a.m., I was what I describe as near hysterical. This is more from depression than from grief. I guess it's a highly anxious sort of depression. I got to feeling so tormented.

Now I'm reasonably calmed down. Over an hour ago, I took Vicodin (hydrocodone 10 mg) and Ritalin 20 mg. The tablets made quite a difference.

90 minutes ago, it was just horrid. This was the worst I've been, since the last time I went into the psych hospital.

I want to tell someone how I'm not improving, but getting worse. I think of writing a note to my PCP. I think of telling one of my sisters. They've already paid enough attention and keep offering support. It's not right to cause them frustration by saying I'm just getting worse. They have tried as best they know how.

Last time I was in the hospital, a counselor asked me: "What is it you want?" I took it as a sincere question. Yet, it's an unfair question. But I knew not to say that.

Where I'm at now is an outcome of years of living my life. No horrible, tragic trauma happened to me in May. No one did anything terrible to me. An elderly and terminally ill man came to the end of his life, as was fully expected to happen. Then I found myself going in and out of this awful state of mind that I can't really explain to anyone.

It's eased up, compared to what it was 2 hours ago. So now I don't have that strong drive to want to tell anyone, except here at PC. I ask myself what good would telling anyone do? It's pointless to just worry others. And even worse, people get to where they figure it's up to me to help myself. I sit around, doing nothing. Eventually that draws judgement. I judge myself. I'm not really trying.

Residents might live alone in their rooms but they might eat together in a dining room if they choose so and have organized activities and stuff like that. They have privacy of their apartments but also have other people around when they choose to socialize. I worked in one. Many people prefer that to living alone.

I thought maybe they do virtual support groups? Not sure.

Just trying to suggest things I know others are trying in tough times.

Oh, I see now. Actually, I worked in a nursing home that also had that kind of residential set up, in addition to the nursing home. Places like that are very expensive. I'm not quite to that stage of life. Even if I were, I wouldn't have the money for that. I wouldn't really be appropriate for that.

I'm grateful that I have an apartment that I'm secure in. My basic needs are met. My income is modest, but adequate for providing all that's necessary.

Lack of contact with other people is a big component of why I feel bad. I always was kind of socially phobic. In recent years, I didn't try to find and nurture friendships. My caregiving responsibilities pretty much filled my day, every day. I was frequently dealing with doctors and healthcare professionals, who came to the house. I was often taking my s.o. for doctors' appointments or for his cancer treatments. He was in and out of the hospital (5 times, just in 2020.) Before COVID, I would be in the hospital whenever he was there. I would sleep in his room. All that activity had me interacting a lot. It was meaningful interaction, where I was making sure things got done.

It was like a more-than- fulltime job. Then it just stopped. People I saw regularly were no longer part of my life.

This morning was awful. But I kind of pulled out of that, thanks probably to the meds I took. I should try to do something now.

It's been over 3 months since I lost my longtime love. I know that's not a long time. It is a long time to keep having such severe episodes of depression. I think social isolation is a major factor behind that. I think about flying to stay with one of my sisters for a few weeks. But I don't want to go in a bad frame of mind. Plus, I need to get organized here and stop neglecting everything. I have weeks of mail that I haven't even looked at. I know that's wrong of me to ignore what I need to take care of. I know I'm living in a bad state of my own creation. I wish I could find something to look forward to.

I like falling asleep. I hate waking up. This is not the first time in my life that I've been badly depressed. I think getting older makes it harder.

There IS no point to life, only the one we make ourselves. I know that doesnt come as a surprise to you.

You have freedom. You have enough money. You have good health. Its an embarrassment of riches.

Are you doing the Oprah thing where every night you write down 3 things were grateful for today?

Nobody can give you a purpose in life. Nobody can give anyone ELSE a purpose in life. I know you know this!

You are in a temporary transition period. Maybe you should reread Gail Sheehy's PASSAGES, see if it holds up. There are a lot of books and tv shows on how to design the second half of your life. Yes, opportunities may be put on hold because of covid, but as a nurse, more should be open to you.

Im probably sounding unsympathetic. I dont mean to. You are describing that you are living similar to my life, only i dont have a car or sisters or as many people to talk to, or as much energy or strength. I probably take more naps! Should i be feeling worse about myself? Betrand Russell said its okay to do nothing. I might be taking it to an extreme. I know some people say, oh plenty of time to rest when youre pushing up daisies, but what if thats harder work than we think?!

She later wrote an update to Passages: New Passages. And omg the author just passed away like two weeks ago...

UnaLuna - I'm sorry you lack some things that are nice to have, like a vehicle to easily get where you are going. Mine is over 18 years old and runs fine. Believe me, I do not take that for granted. Everytime I pass someone waiting in the broiling sun for a bus, or walking down the street carrying grocery bags, it almost takes my breath away, as I think that I don't have to do what they're doing. There were times in my life when I did. It's not so bad when you are young. It seems like every time I go out to run errands, I see people who are not young and are not even well, struggling to get through their day. I never feel entitled to have what I have. I just feel lucky.

When I was in the psych hospital back in June, one of my fellow patients was without a home to return to. I think she'ld been with a guy she couldn't go back to. They discharged her to the street. I felt like some agency should have been found to give her a voucher to a "welfare motel." I'ld known people to get those vouchers who were not more deserving than she was. She said she'ld never been on the street before. She was a young woman. I thought of what could happen to her. Life seems to remind me often of how really hard a lot of people have it. Maybe I'm just prone to notice that others struggle. I live in a city. I don't have to look far.

You are correct that we each must discover our purpose. Before my friend died I used to tell myself that anyone willing to be useful can always find something to do. The world is not going to run out of need anytime soon.

I hope you enjoy your next nap. Why not? No reason you shouldn't . . . unless it gets in the way of what you'ld like to have going on in your life. It sounds like you are at peace with how you are allocating your time. That's a good thing.

Went out. Got something to eat and bought some groceries. After eating, I broke down in my car. When I got over that, I felt like my arms were shaking. I felt terribly nervous. Home now. I don't think this is going to blow over anytime soon.

Started opening mail. Couldn't face doing this for weeks.

I still keep breaking down. But I don't let myself do more than choke back a silent sob or two. Then I stop.

In a few hours I'll probably fall asleep. Then I'll get a break till tomorrow morning.

I have to exist through these days.

Another day coming to a close. It wasn't hour after hour of horror like yesterday. I stayed calm mostly. I calmly considered my loss, and I calmly concluded that I'm in for a miserable rest of my life.

Before his death, I didn't believe this would happen. I remember telling my widowed sister that I expected to grieve as people normally do. I expected to feel relief at the freedom from caregiving, which had gotten so demanding around the clock. I looked forward to being able to pursue my many interests. How I could have been so wrong I'll never know.

I can act okay. I can present myself as somene who is coping competently. I've done that all my life. Behind the front I can be in serious trouble marked by desperate behavior that would worry anyone.

The relationship I was in was not the greatest. My s.o. had his issues. But I needed him. We were both pretty damaged. We needed each other. I still need him, but he's gone.

I guess, while he was alive and sick, it seemed all about him needing me. I vastly lost track of how much I needed him. That's really what kept us together for so long. I just couldn't do without him.

Before finding him, I had known severe loneliness. Everyone experiences loneliness, but I'ld been alone beyond what is part of most people's experience. Life was good to me on many fronts. There was a lot that came easy to me. But I didn't find a decent solution to being way too alone. I just kept getting further out in the wilderness of not having normal social ties. I could find other people, but not connect satisfactorily. My solutions to my problem just got me further and further out where I was increasingly alienated from the normal ties that bind. I criss-crossed the country on buses, lived in cheap hotels and delapidated rooming houses, changed jobs like others change socks, went to far places where I knew no one. I could observe human society, but couldn't find a way to be a normal participant in it . . . not for long anywhere I went. By age 30, I was researching suicide methods. I had decent parents, but they never seemed too concerned with my lifestyle, which now strikes me as pretty bizarre. They would tell people I was very independent and prone to doing things my own way. I was emotionally disturbed and living dangerously.

Then I met him. He wasn't any more normal than I was. He'ld spent the previous few years just as alienated from any semblance of normal connectedness as I had. We found warmth in each other's presence.

It was on again/off again. Somehow we lasted, mainly because I was unable to let go of him. Then he was unable to let go of me. Despite all kinds of turmoil in our relationship, we stayed more or less together. We formed a 2 person family. Everyone needs to belong to a family. In the end, he and I were enough of a family for each other.

I've lost him for good, and I'm back where I was at age 30. I didn't expect it was going to feel like this. I guess I lost sight of how important it was to be in that 2 person family. I still have relatives. But I'm not a member of their families. I can visit them . . . for awhile. That's not the same as belonging to a family.

A friend visited me today for a few hours. I was kind of glad when she left. She's another one who's been too alone for too long. And she's falling apart. I'm sorry for her. But she's starting to weary me. Like another friend who phoned me right after that visit. Friend #2 bent my ear for over half an hour relating the minutia of her life. Then I started to tell her about my recent struggles . . . but she had to go. Next time, I'm not even picking up the phone.

My little circle of acquaintences are pleased that I'm now more available to them, since I'm free of caregiving. I thought they'ld help sustain me through my grief. More wrong figuring on my part. They didn't find partners to form 2 person families with, but chose being alone. Their years of loveless living have left them as shells. My visitor today was obviously depressed. She's going to get more depressed, living as she does. Her visit sure didn't cheer me up.

I don't know what's going to happen to me. I was okay when I was in the 2 person family I had with my s.o. We had our ups and downs. Sometimes I was depressed, but not like this. We warmed each other. As long as he was there - no matter how sick - I was basically okay. The past few years were actually among the happier years of my life. Without him, I am not okay. I'm no more okay than I was before I met him. I have no hope of replacing him. My problem isn't about finding "meaning" in my life. My problem is the aloneness. If you have someone to share love and closeness with, all kinds of meaning tumbles out of life. With him gone from me, I'm not okay, and I see no way I'll be okay ever. The longing for what I've lost is too awful. I can't stop wanting what I can't get back. I'll never stop. I don't have enough of anything else to fall back on. Probably I didn't live life right. I never really knew how. All I knew was to hold on to him. Very little matters to me now, and that very little gets smaller every day.

Time now for the night pills that will let me escape until morning. Holiday weekend is over. At least I'm not crying right now.

A person doesn’t just get over losing a partner after being together for many years. What you have shared is part of mourning the loss. And no relationship is perfect either.

You don’t know right now if you might meet another person you may enjoy being with. It’s still too early to even entertain the thought right now.

Thank you, O.E. What you say is all true. I know you realize that I've had a heart-breaking loss and that I am in pain mourning my loss. I'm grateful that you put in effort trying to offer me some reassurance that the future may hold good things that I can't even imagine now. I don't know what else I expect anyone to tell me.

My state of mind is about more than my being in grief. Certainly, I am grieving. Grief is no small thing. I don't mean to understate the enormity of grief.

I have a whole other problem though. I'm in despair. Despair is not the same as sorrow. Despair is a spiritual problem. It is really evil. Despair makes it seem alright to not bother about anything. I see how I'm not taking care of anything. I'm just doing nothing so much of the time. I'm neglecting myself and the little responsibilities that we have to assume every day. Taking a break is one thing. Completely giving up is another. I see myself going more and more in the direction of just giving up. I have no faith that anything will get better, if I make an effort. I know that's wrong. I know that there is a price to pay for willful neglect. Yet, I get worse every week. I try to think of how I can get someone else to take care of things for me. Like hiring people to straighten up my apartment. Getting help is not wrong. But I have to make myself do some things.

I do a little bit. But it's not an honest effort. I say I'm too depressed to do much of anything. I am way overusing that excuse. Telling myself I better stop this is not doing any good. I feel like a lost soul who's beyond help.

When you spend too much time alone, your own mind can torture you. I talk to one of my sisters on the phone. I just exchange texts with my other sister. Both have offered to do anything they can for me. I don't want to be a parasite.

I don't think any doctor or any drug can do much for me. I'm glad I have something that does help me sleep - the Seroquel. I'm getting more than enough rest. When I'm awake I have no interest in my life. I just wish it were over. I'm not intending to harm myself physically. But I am harming myself mentally. I can't seem to stop. I want to tell someone how bad I've gotten and to have someone understand that I am destroying myself from the inside. I guess I want someone to stop me. I guess that's the last hope I have. But I think that's also a foolish hope.

I think that having more help with your apartment will help. Depression by itself can be so hard add a loss of a partner to that can most definitely bring about despair and fear. It’s hard for the mind to get through this challenge.

And Rose, you need to see a regular doctor to see if you are also dealing with a health issue that needs treating too.

Yes I do need treatment for anemia. I have a history of a bleeding ulcer. My provider suspects that is what causes recurring anemia.

This has been a bad day for me. I'm very nervous. I keep having jerky muscle movements. My arms and legs are shakey. It feels like bad anxiety. However, I read that Seroquel can cause something like this.

The low dose seroquel st 50 mg can cause restlessness. It could cause jerky movements. You've only been on it a short time. Lifetime use can cause lots of problems as I'm sure you've googled it. The more you worry about the consequences of a med and think of it the more anxious you'll be. It's not harmful IMHO for a while. I had it for I think 10 years. It's only my experience with the med tho. I think it will help your sleep and appetite for now.
I'm concerned, asking, did you follow up with the nurse practitioner? She can handle the meds if she knows all of them. Maybe make a list and tell her what you think is helpful or harmful.

Try to let the mess"brew" a bit as unaluna says, it's not going anywhere. Your wellbeing comes first before bags of clutter. Unless you have a dangerous rodent or pests in your apartment you should be safe.
I worry for my dad who does have mouse and or rat droppings in his cutlery
I'm.concerned that you aren't getting your physical well being looked after. Yes mind and body goes together. So start with your body, low iron is bad. Bleeding ulcers need attention. Stop presenting yourself to any doctor or nurse practitioner as being well enough. I mean, no makeup, dont dress up for the video appt. I know this from my docs. My psychiatrist always starts with "Well, you look good!" I just started saying " I might look good but it doesn't mean I'm feeling good.."

It's 43°F. Windchill makes it feel like 34°F. I have no power in my apt. no heat. i'm freezing. will probably go to a hotel.

One thing after another. too much.
I know people cope with a lot worse.

Oh lord that is cold! What's going on with the power out? No heat on yet here either so I open the oven door and blow heat with a fan in front of it to get warmer. Life really is one thing after another. Hugs Rose be safe tonight

No power? No heat? Like temporary?

Rose you have been quiet, are you ok?

I'm in the Southwest. We had terrible winds, with gusts up to 75 mph, for more than 24 or 36 hours nonstop. Thousands were without power. Mine is back now. So I'm leaving the hotel and going home.

I'm so glad you are ok and are going home. Thanks for letting us all know. I hope you rest well and hugs

Oh good. Glad it was temporary. I was so confused!