Trying to recover from severe depression.

You did a lot of work yesterday, i presume. IMO, nothing wrong with letting that "brew" for a while.

Plus, we are not young people with kids trying to keep them on a schedule with no outside influence during a pandemic.

We are retired old ladies dealing with being alone in hard and abnormal times.

Sometimes my week goes has more rest days than workdays. So shoot me.

I keep feeling so afraid. I can't see a way that I'm going to get better.

I was given phenergan for occasional nausea. I found that it also has a slight calming effect. So I've taken 50 mg of it to try and stop this awful thing that I've been going through.

This is horrible anxiety mixed up with depression and grief. I did go out and get a haircut. Driving back I did stop and visit a friend. The visit didn't help much. Then I got home and became worse and worse.

Ooh, phenergan. I would marry phenergan if i could. They gave it to me when i had bad gall bladder attacks. It stopped my nausea, and just RELAXED me. Almost better than sex. And a lot less work!

unaluna, do you remember what does you were getting? I've taken 50 mg. It doesn't do as much

It was a suppository. I had it coming out of both ends. It was the only thing that calmed my butt down, literally!

Wow, unaluna, It did you that much good. I read that it is used a lot to sedate patients before surgery. I hope your gallbladder problems got resolved. I know that can make a person feel horribly sick.

hi rose, i just read the whole thread and am worried for you. have you considered going back to the hospital? or might they have a social worker who could offer you some other options? i used to have to take the bus at all hours of the day and night, and watching all the passengers, talking to the people at the bus stops, would allay my feelings of loneliness. darn this covid as now that is a risky thing to do.

TerryL, thank you for your concern. I have been hospitalized twice since my s.o. died. Each time was a week. I think it is less than 2 weeks, since I got out the 2nd time. I would not feel better going back a 3rd time. It would serve no good purpose. I would be bored there. I don't believe I'm in danger of harming myself anytime soon. So there's no basis for me to be hospitalized again. Despite all that, I am grateful for you to think I need that level of care. I am deteriorating emotionally. It is frightening.

I'm truly afraid that I will not recover.

The last 12 hours of my life have been awful. No sleep yet. Just awake, full of fear and dread.

I am in a horrible state of mind.

I am sorry Rose, I haven’t been checking up on your threads and see that you are struggling. Have you tried any grief support, I’d call hospice where your SO was getting help and ask if there are offering grief support sessions. After my mom passed (she was in hospice only one day) they sent info on free weekly sessions for a year.

Today was nowhere's near as painful as yesterday. I am very greatful for that.

I was awake through the night until after 5 a.m. this morning. Finally, I slept on the couch for 5 hours, till 10:30 a.m. Then I had cereal and hot chocolate and slept more. When I woke up, it was like something heavy was lifted off me. I wasn't being crushed by grief.

That's how a severe attack of depression is for me. It's like a bad cold or the flu. I feel so lousy, and nothing can make it go away. It just has to run its course. Nothing I do will make it leave sooner, rather than later. It has to "run its course." People tell me to use "coping skills." I have never found that the least but helpful for an episode of severe depression.

Time passes. I endure the awful pain. The thing runs its course. Then I can feel surprisingly relieved. I never understand what happened inside me that led to me feeling relieved of the awful pain.

When I'm in all that pain, I tell myself that I've felt pain like that in past depressive episodes, which eventually passed. I try to hope it will pass again, but I don't really believe that.

Now I am hungry and looking forward to the meatball sandwich I am going out to buy. I want to clean the dishes and straighten up the messy kitchen tonight. Then maybe tomorrow will be a day I get more done . . . and feel reasonably okay.

Last evening was a horror show. Please, God, let me not descend into that tonight. I beg all that is holy to grant me some mercy.

I thank you, divine, Open Eyes, Terry, una luna - for being here with me. Feeling alone is part of the awfulness. You all, and others above, take away some of the aloneness.

I think that was what helped in the hospital. People were around me - staff and patients. And - God Bless them - they interacted with me, often quite generously. It made the horribleness bearable.

I must get my dinner. I think I'll get some beer too. I've not turned to alcohol as an analgesic, since my boyfriend died. I just have had the occasional wine spritzer with supper. When I was much younger, I did use alcohol for relief. It did help. I never became a big drinker. I just didn't have the stomach for heavy drinking. I threw up too easily. For years now, I drink only rather lightly.

But tonight I want whatever will spare me the pain of last night. Maybe a couple of beers and a good TV show will get me through the remaining hours, before sleep rescues me.

I wish you all a good evening and a peaceful night. Please visit me when you can. Your kindness now brings tears to my eyes.

Hugs, I don't know what to say other than you are in my thoughts, I hope tonight you sleep better!!

hi rose, I am so glad you are feeling better today. i wonder what made the difference? i am also very glad you were able to get some sleep. it sounds like you know what you need to feel better - positive human interaction. i was going to suggest a part-time job but with covid that isn't even a good idea.. no matter, main thing you are feeling better and eating! ((huugs))

I woke up about 30 min ago. This is becoming hard for me every morning. I don't like waking up and leaving the shelter from pain that sleep provides. I wake up, and it starts again - the sense of loss.

Wish I was still asleep. It's not even light yet.

How long will I have to be in this world? It's like a prison sentence.

I have to go to run an errand. It's so hard to make myself do anything. I've felt bad all morning, thinking that life without him is too painful. There's nothing to look forward to.

Seroquel helped me fall asleep last night.

Today I have to work on cleaning the kitchen. I'ld rather stay on the couch watching TV. I must not do that.

I will try now to go back in the kitchen and straighten up the mess. I didn't get far before.

Yesterday, I brought laundry to a "Wash & Fold" service. I did the dishes. I got a med at pharmacy and bought some groceries. I visited a friend to give her some fruit I had bought and to chat briefly. I talked a lot on the phone with my sister about my niece being quite sick.

Since waking up this morning at 8:30 a.m., I've had bad anxiety. It's not real specific. It is awful. I ate cereal.

I thank you all for reading my posts. I can imagine you've offered as much as you all could in terms of advice and encouragement. I'm sorry to still keep posting that I feel so distressed. I know I have to help myself. I'm on this couch way, way too much.

The anxiety in my head has me kind of shaking when I stand up. My arms jerk a bit. My hands tremble a bit when I go to do anything in the kitchen.

I feel I need more help than I have available. I'm not a danger to myself. I do not need to be admitted to a psych unit. However, I am not improving. I worry that I'm sliding deeper into a pit of mental distress that I'm never going to find my way up from.

I think about writing a letter to my PCP. (She is a physician's assistant. I have some degree of trust towards her.) There is a psychiatrist in that same clinic who has seen me several times over the past few years - just to prescribe Ritalin for me. Back in June I contacted him to tell him I was not coping well. He was very dismissive. So I don't have the nerve to try contacting him again. It's over 3 months, since my s.o. died. I am worse now than I was 3 months ago.

I blame a lot of it on myself because I don't put much effort into doing anything constructive. I know I should stop sitting around vegetating.

It's like I'm in a nightmare that I know I will never wake up from.

I don't tell my sisters how bad I feel. They would want to fly out. I do not want them traveling during this pandemic on my account. It would worry me sick. I feel like I need an understanding professional to talk with. There really isn't any. I had the video meeting by phone with a nurse practitioner that was just her reading questions off a monitor and typing my answers. It felt to me like talking to a zombie.

I know psych professionals don't like to reinforce "neediness," so they tend to act very aloof. I need someone to hear me that I'm in trouble that is getting worse. Even if they tell me it's up to me to make a better effort. I don't think I can improve, feeling as alone as I feel.

I've already wasted most of the day.

Visiting with my friend yesterday didn't help. She is struggling with her own issues. I don't think she is too well psychologically, herself. She really is not. She is not caring for herself enough, especially regards eating. It's no good for me to hope to draw support for me from someone who is so damaged herself. She means well. But I get more depressed listening to her. She is quite lonely. It would seem we both would do well to keep company with each other. Unfortunately, as I've posted before, it tends to result in me being drained by her. She likes the attention I give her . . . loves to tell me about her history and her family. Yesterday, she told me she had been awake all the previous night reading a novel. She then proceeded to try and recite to me the whole story line of that paperback. I was patient for a bit. Then I had to stop her. She relishes an attentive audience. I don't think anyone enjoys hearing another give a long, detailed summary of a novel or of a film. Kids tend to do that, but grow out of it.

I should work on straightening up my apartment. I should do it, even in just short bursts of activity.

I've just gotten worse and worse all day. I try to think of who could I visit or who could I talk to? This has hotten so bad. I can't even breathe through my nose from crying so much. I come here because I have nowhere else to go. I tried a crisis phone line. At the other end I got a volunteer, rather than a prof. counselor. It might have made no difference, if I did get a counselor.

This is the first time I've been so awful since my last discharge from that hospital. I should get up and do something constructive. But I don't. I sit and just keep reading and thinking.

When I was a kid, my father told me I would end up making myself crazy from too much time alone reading. He was so angry . . . so angry that I was not out in the kitchen or living room. He liked me being where he could see me and talk to me. But, for someone who seemed to miss my presence, he was so angry.

Now, after all these years . . . he seems to have been right. I stay alone, incessantly reading online . . . and going crazy. Maybe he really was worried for my welfare. That's not why I had believed.

Maybe he was feeling lonely then, the way that you are feeling lonely now.

My dad was depressed too.

That's what I always thought. My father was prone to depression. He never thought of himself that way. But my mother recognized it. He had severe changes of mood. He would go long intervals not talking to me or to my mother. He tended to withdraw. He needed a fair amount of attention and got resentful, if he didn't get as much as he expected. The atmosphere in our home was miserable at times. I couldn't wait to move out.

I think getting angry about you reading alone too much is an unusual reaction. as unaluna suggested, maybe he had his own issues? I believe the source of many of our issues come from our childhoods. pls let me know if i am out of place or if it is too personal but could something in your childhood be affecting you still? i did a life review of my own childhood and it shed light on so many things.

Yes, TerryL, I'm sure my childhood laid the foundation for how my life is today. I've reviewed it thoroughly repeatedly. I've gained insight by the ton. That doesn't fix much. I wish it did.

Sleepy now. To bed. This day, mercifully, is over.

Please keep posting if it helps in any way.

How safe are things in terms of covid? Would you consider a small side job to force you to get out of the house? My dad has a side job, two or three morning a week it’s literally 2 hours each maybe the most. He really doesn’t need to work at his age but it gets him out and about.

I don’t know your age but would you eventually consider living in a retirement community rather than alone? Or is it out of the question?