Depression Vent Room for Misfits

Like I said, I might as well try not to think about what is going wrong for me. It's no use even thinking about it unless I'm able to do something about it if you get me. Sure I can think of a ton of things of what could be wrong with my washing machine and riding mower but still thinking about the problem won't fix it. It's getting to that solution. That's what is the hardest. So I have stopped wanting to even care about it. I might sell that mower if I'm not able to do anything about it.

In a twisted sense, I'm glad this brother of mine will have to take his clothes to get them washed elsewhere if the machine isn't running right now. laughs. He'll have to suffer too like I have to since he doesn't care at all about my feelings.

Hi, @WindsThatBlow! Thank you for what you posted in the vent room. And I wanted you to know that I have a hard time opening up, too. Also welcome to these forums!

I'm all alone. I have no one now. I'm sad and feel like a failure. I can't do anything right. I'm failing in all areas of my life. Nothing is going right for me.

Dear @Deilla, I know you're hurting terribly. Maybe you're trying to do too much lately?, appointments, chores, etc.? And you expect too much from yourself? Whatever it is, you have a lot of talent, & from my point of view, are one of the best people on our planet. And the pandemic is just too much. But up ahead are better days. Meanwhile, we have these forums & friends here. Hugs & love to you, dear friend!!

Thank you! I do have the forums and my friends here. Maybe I am doing too much. I'm trying to clean my home, do routine stuff, make it to appointments and work on projects. I feel overwhelmed, stressed and depressed. It would be nice to take today off. I think I can do that. Thanks again!

I feel like I never fit in too. I am trying to accept those feelings, but it is hard. 🥲

You fit in with us!

Haven't been on in a long time.... I have never fit in ANYWHERE at any time. I make my way the best I can. I have been really struggling the last few days. Too much to say to explain everything in detail right now, but there is a lot of pain and sadness. It just seems that my life will never be able to be stable and happy. I don't expect luxury at all. I don't want to try medication, it makes me frustrated when people tell me that. I understand that it can help a lot of people, but despite that I am sad, there are VERY real reasons for it. I don't drink or do drugs either. I don't think medicating to deaden my senses just because I can't change my circumstances or the world around me would be healthy.

The world is just so HARD. It is too expensive just to survive, let alone be stable or get ahead. The political and environmental issues are terrifying. I feel like I could deal with a lot of that if I had a network, or partner, that I connected with and trusted, but despite being in a relationship right now, I am alone and can't afford to move. Don't get me wrong, there are "good" moments, but I don't feel understood, loved, or valued, and he has some dark issues of his own that he can't deal with that can make him toxic at times. My son left a year and a half ago to live with his dad. He was tired of having to do his homework, having chores, and no Xbox. Basically he was tired of boundaries. Well, he promptly started failing all of his classes, wouldn't go to school, and his dad would do nothing. I haven't seen him since he left and now he has dropped out of school at 16 and his dad did nothing. He "doesn't want to work full time" according to what my adult daughter tells me. She is married and lives on her own, but she maintains some contact with her brother and my ex. My son is lost, and no one is looking out for him. I try to reach out to tell him I love him and I am there for him if he needs, but I only get short responses. It brakes my heart.

I am just tired. Tired of always feeling the immensity of everything. I have two beautiful grandchildren whom I adore. But somehow it increases the feelings I have about the state of the world, and people on a spiritual level. I do not believe that I am blowing things our of proportion. I mean, we just have to watch the news to know that. I know I'm not blowing relationship issues out of proportion because, if anything, I am letting too much slide to keep the peace. I am tired of feeling like my future is totally unknown, tired of feeling like I can't make progress in my life no mater how hard I work, and despite looking for other jobs, there is nothing that would change my financial situation, and at 49, I feel like I can only do so much. I am tired of seeing good people hurt so much. The world just seemed to be on a high speed train to nowhere (maybe a cliff) and there is so much hatred, denial, shortsightedness, and apathy, meanwhile I feel like I am screaming at everyone, look out, there is a cliff!!!! ....but we're all absorbed into our phones, shows.... even I do it sometimes, to try and escape. Sometimes it feels like there are so few of us amongst so many zombies.

I am unsure if this is one of those posts that should be labeled as a trigger or not, nor do I know how to do that. I just want to say, if you are like me, and you feel everything, it is okay to be sad about it, and despite that I don't know you, I am sending hugs and hoping that someday we win. Someday we will "fit in". It will be a happy world then!

Dear @StrugglingMama, thank you for posting here. Please use this vent room
to express yourself & what you are dealing with whenever you need to. That's what it's for, especially for us who feel like misfits. So much of what you say I can feel with my heart, & I wish so much that all of us together here could change the way things are. But at least we have these forums & each other. We are not alone. I hope things end up turning out good for your son. Crossing fingers for you!!

I'm struggling tonight. I decided to quit vaping so I can breathe easier. My stress test came back normal, so my shortness of breath is not my heart. It could be a combination of weight and vaping. So I really want to give up the vaping and see if that helps. It's hard. I vape all the time. I will try the patch and nicorette gum. I'm anxious about this but I have my Klonopin. So that will help. I just took it so I'm waiting for it to kick in. Part of me wants to drink too. Just to help me relax. Maybe I can find some games that will get my mind off of it.

I understand what you mean and make an effort not to listen to the news and when I do, I see accusations (and people being made fun of ) being hurled from both sides of the political spectrum like there is a spiritual or political (another country or countries?) entity or entities trying to divide our country. I cannot fix it but try not to get involved in the divisive thoughts or contribute to the divisions. Like you, there are things in my own home that I need to overcome. Also, there are groups and organizations in our country that are helping the needy. There are also many in our country that are doing well. I try to think of something I can do everyday to help, not hurt others. I consider just trying to do my job well, cleaning my house and cooking food for others part of the solution. As far as I am concerned, small things count!

I understand how heartbreaking it is to have a child who is not doing well. I know it is hard, but try to just acknowledge the things that are breaking your heart but not dwell on what you cannot fix. Perhaps focus on your grandchildren? It sounds like you cared and tried but sometimes that is not enough. I have experienced this and with some things, you have to try to train your mind not to dwell on the things you do not have power over. Though I pray for my family and children daily. IMO, if we think too much about what went wrong in the past, it does effect our stability. Please do not try to focus on the things you have no control of and know that there are many things we cannot control. All we can control is our reaction to our environment and the people we are with and try to cultivate hope that there is some sort of action we can take for a better tomorrow. Try not to let your thoughts become mired in your son's choices. Though we need to be encouraging when presented with the opportunity, try to remember that he is responsible for his own decisions and actions.

I have my 3 month (virtual) pdoc appointment tomorrow. After that, as I understand it, they'll be going back to in-person appointments. It scares the bejeebers out of me to think about sitting in their crowded waiting room for 15 or 20 minutes with a bunch of other patients who may or may not have been vaccinated.

I've had my two Covid-19 shots. But there's at least a small percentage of people who've been vaccinated who still contract the illness. And at my age I imagine I could still get pretty sick even having been vaccinated. Still, I don't know as I have any choice. And then also, since I don't (can't really) drive anymore, in-person appointments mean my wife will be driving me down into the city which she's not particularly comfortable with either. It saddens me she has to do this because of me.

I do what needs to be done every day. And, outwardly, I think I still present a more-or-less competent demeanor. But mentally I feel desperately anxious, ill, confused, and fearful. And I don't know how to describe it or what I could do about it even if I could muster the clear-headedness to try. (Plus the fact is it wouldn't even be possible to get into it within the 10 minutes or so I get with my pdoc.) I just want to go hide somewhere until it's over. Hopefully it won't be a long wait...

I have felt like a bit of a failure myself. I'm just glad that I'm a little bit happier now. I've had to vary my interests and activities often since I do a lot solo most of the time.

I'm just angry today...

I’m overwhelmed with options. It’s a blessing, but it’s anxiety provoking. I’ll probably do nothing because I’m the only one who wants change and I am not a good leader, nor motivated by real need.

I've been doing inventory on myself, plus I've been listening hard to others here. I realize now that being a misfit is maybe actually not a bad thing; maybe even a blessing? When I was in high school, there was this one teacher, Mr. Ralph, who made a group of us misfits feel like a family. What a wonderful teacher he was. I will carry those precious memories in my heart until I can't think anymore.

Here I got the mower fixed and got it back home. it was in mower mode and then I couldn't start it back up. So I had to get it out of mower mode again to get it to start. Sadly, I ended up getting into an with mother and it just deteriorated into some name calling and blame and all. I'm used to it by now. I got it back into the shed. I was just angry and all I get is along the lines of 'it's your fault, your responsibility'. I just took her remarks very hard and just hated that thing all of a sudden in that yard, and I was just fuming all over the place. I don't know why. She hated it when I got upset and I couldn't blame her for wanting to fire back at me. I'm such a **** misfit in the world anyway. She kind of wishes I'd be taught a lesson or something and I don't feel like giving a ****. It doesn't seem like I was really made for this world, being a damn girl with icing on top. laughs. I can't seem to feel any genuine happiness and I don't feel I ever will unless I happened to make something big happen that's good maybe. Usually I force it because I don't feel much happiness. Am sorry to say. I kind of hate myself when I feel this way. I really do. I don't know why I bother caring because it'd be the same old vicious cycle. This world doesn't seem to be made for me. No, I'm not kidding when I say this. I don't really fit in the picture because the fact is, there is no picture for me to fit into. Does it matter at all if I exist?

The dysfunctional intimacy issue with my h has been like clockwork for nearly our whole marriage! I am embarrassed, mortified, horrified, ashamed. It’s not just me doing it! It can’t be just me because if he weren’t doing his part in the dysfunction, he would have simply acted how he needs to go get along with (and not trigger) me, or he would have left me! I found a paper he wrote from 15 years ago and it was THE SAME ISSUE!

Anyway, we are back to baseline and moving forward together. I am 100% sure we will be panicked and fighting again soon, as past performance is an indicator of future. Yuck, how I hate this and wish it would STOP!

Calm, breathe, think positive, remember that this is how it is and I will return base to base level again…………..

Part of me thinks my emotions **** with me so badly that I would barely make it in this world. I hate myself even being in this world. I'm just here in this world for sick cosmic bastardized joke. laughs. I'm just saying to hell with my feelings. Maybe God will straighten me out like I'm supposed to be for once.

I have a name for the decade I am in my life. 'f-ing forties'. It just seems to be a time of life when a woman like me especially becomes *****ier and feeling meaner than ever. It's rather terrible if you ask me.

Lmao who knows you’re in your 40s? Does it show?

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That’s dismal . You ok?

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Wait you live with your mom and you’re in your 40s? Or you were just helping her out?

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Well, don't forget, all of us are misfits here. And we are a family, at least virtually.