Depression Vent Room for Misfits

@Deilla

[B]Ok, ask anyone. I'm happy go lucky, always willing to help even at a moments notice. Yesterday neighbor's car repair completed early so sure I ran her over. My T is the only one I've trusted enough to talk to honestly. Recently needed a statement from him of my dx. My T doesn't lie. I suddenly panicked, the day before, thinking my T doesn't lie. He is going to tell her of a dx nobody but him knows and I've tried hard to keep secret. Of course I catastrophized that the whole world, every person I know, the government would all know I'm crazy.

My T sent me a copy of the statement he send. The dx was Major Depressive Disorder. Phew. He didn't tell. So at the next sesssion I thanked him. He said he gave the least applicable dx that would meet the criteria. My T doesn't lie. So he was saying I had that. He looked at me surprised. Yes. Of course I had to ask what it was. Didn't have a DSM5 handy!

But as I've been here somethings don't fit. But the worse do fit. Thought I just had panic attacks. Maybe a little PTSD but not like others but by definition. A little of this, a little of that. Think that means the term misfit is right.

Thanks. This is a great idea.

Well I definitely don't fit in anywhere, maybe I can here. I have no motivation to clean up. There's too much stuff and no where to put it . I wanted time to grieve my dad but instead my sister rushed to sale, and we are upset to not have time, things are not as they should be, and I'm exhausted trying to figure out what to do

Everyday,
Well almost everyday I go to sleep praying for a better Tomorrow. But morning panic and depression is a fact, so I have to plan things out. Don’t think you are lazy, is not a sickness I mean, what really happens to us is the loss of appetite for life. Depression does this to all of us. And is up to us to fight this like it was our own worst enemy, because it is, if makes up stories, it can keep you in fear, it can make you think or believe you have no self worth. When the truth is different.
My friends, I have been suffering from this disease since before my wife left with the kids... got worse when I was living alone.... when my dad died... when my country started to get worse... when my sister got diagnosed with leukemia and she being schizophrenic makes it worse, and then my dear mother, she is suffering Parkinson’s getting worse...
Now I have to take a list of the above and start thinking how to diminish the suffering, improve the way of life of my family and get them the best posible medical treatment. How can I do this if I am depressed! I cannot afford to be in bed thinking that I am waste of life and that I have no human value.

I decide to fight. And not to lay down and slowly die.

My blessings to you all, if I die tomorrow I hope this message helps or reached you at some level, if I continue living then I will do my best to keep fighting.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

Yesterday evening my spouse & I watched a free movie on YouTube (we've been doing this a lot lately.) The title was "All We Had". Here's a link to the movie just in case someone is interested in watching it:



It got me thinking both about the mom in this film as well as about my own life. The mom in the film didn't have a mental health diagnosis. Mental health (or lack thereof) wasn't a part of the storyline. And I don't really have one either except for probably whatever the various mental health professionals I've seen over the years wrote down on some form so they could get paid by my health insurer. But, although the mom's life in the film and my life were entirely different, I felt as though we did have one big thing in common. And that was that neither of us was very good at "life"... at "doing adult" so to speak. So this, then, made me wonder if mental illness of one sort or another is always at the bottom of not being good at life... at doing adult... or if some of us are simply just life-challenged... not mentally ill... just less than competent when it comes to living adult lives. I don't know. Maybe I never did have a mental illness. Maybe I was just bad at doing the life thing. The sad part was that both in the movie as well as in my real life, others suffered as a result.

I've met some new people recently and I don't understand. I have to really lower my expectations. One wants to talk but never finds time. I feel lonely and sad.

Cried several times today, but overall I'm doing better.

Yesterday, I was screaming into a pillow, and thinking about writing my goodbye letters to the team.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

Hope today is a better day for you...


I was "out-&-about", so to speak, with my spouse yesterday. My anxiety level was off the charts. The triggers are everywhere and unrelenting. And every time I know I'm going to be going out, I know it's what I'm going to be facing once again. There's simply no end to it... well... there is. But I obviously haven't arrived at that point yet.

I've been reading & working on solutions. And I just now realized I'm hungry. Take care everyone.

I was feeling overwhelmed by a new 3-month project. My first milestone is in 3 weeks. I had to be organized today and felt depressed because I wasn't. I was starting to have really dark depression. But I'm doing better now. I did some research and I think I am better prepared now for my first goal.

I was depressed for a while today, but I ended up saying the right things to myself & started feeling better.

I had a good cry last night. Deep down, I have sadness and worry about a family member because of what they have gone through and because I know their life is not easy. I was mostly there for them but also failed them at many critical junctions. Things have gotten better for them but I pray everyday that they will find a way to do more than just barely make it in this world. I pray that they can find peace and purpose--isn't that what so many of us who are depressed need?

I feel really lost and sad tonight. I am overwhelmed but I have no energy or motivation to take care of anything. I just want to sleep but sleep is never peaceful. I toss and turn and stress. When I wake I I wish I would never wake up. I don't want to face my life. It's filled with pain and doctor appointments. I am tired all the time. I am lonely I have people I talk to about relationships but it's never gonna go anywhere. Diabetes has ruined my life. I have terrible issues and can't lead a normal life. No one would ever want me.

Things are going to get better later on! Please hang in there, @Deilla! You are loved here!

I’m sorry

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I know I am struggling with a major depression. I don’t like my job and I don’t like my boyfriend’s lifestyle or living situation.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

It's a boring day today (for me.) It was so boring I spent a large chunk of it replying to threads in the Games forum and in so doing I passed 29,000 posts. Whoopie!

I'm dating someone and they don't feel comfortable enough messaging me during the day. They worry about disturbing me. I tried to explain that I want to hear from them. It didn't make a difference. So I feel really sad.

I'm feeling rather mad at life, and I have complained quite a bit lately. I just hate that damn riding mower. It's close to starting and won't start no matter what I do. I added fresh gasoline and used starter fluid and it still wouldn't start up well. Plus, now I'll have to get someone to repair the washing machine too because the light was blinking and it wasn't moving through the cycle and it wouldn't drain or spin. I'm fairly sure there are several problems with that thing. I won't trust it at all till someone can make it work right like it's supposed to. I never have trusted machines that might lock your clothes in. They're just crummy. Mother had to reset the damn washer just to get our clothes out. It's like life is reminding me that I can't have everything. It's like one joke of a life.

I just kind of hate life. It seems like some of us have such bad luck. Here my riding mower doesn't work. lucky I have a push mower that I trust so much better. I don't trust a lot of riding mowers at all. Now the washing machine needs fixing too and I will have to try to get it fixed asap. It seems like I have complained quite a bit in the past week or two with me seeing hardly any hope. I just got through yelling at mother telling her she just won't get her damn clothes washed unless she gets someone to fix it for her. I meant it too and she just turned on me. I couldn't blame her. I just feel like It seems like my sense of happiness and contentment just isn't meant to last. laughs. I have seen spring or summer as the bad luck season. laughs. Maybe I'll change my mind one of these days. I'm lucky to have anything work out for me at all. I just feel like giving in. I'm just recovering from the stress I experienced trying to get the clothes out of the washer. My mood is rather dark as of present.

I feel a deep sense of guilt for complaining and yelling. Now I feel like crap and I feel like I don't care to reach out to anyone because why would they want to hear any more bad news from me. I just feel like disappearing and like escaping at a time like this. I try to stay calm but it seems like life is hell bent on making me upset. So I'm now having to distract myself with a book or something. I don't know why I'm writing this. I feel like a complaining mess and I'm forcing myself to find some solution to the problem instead of aggravating it more. It makes me wish my damned mind would be reasonable for once.

Complain all you want here, @modestlychee6463, this is a vent room. Maybe your riding mower just needs spark plugs & won't cost very much. Anyway, good luck with everything!

Thanks for your support. That's probably it.

It’s been really rough these past few weeks. I’ve been acting very erratic and doing crazy things. To be clear, I’m not a harm to myself or others – but have caused myself a substantial amount of distress and hardship by acting out the way I have. I’m doing better these last few days, but it just seems it’s gets harder to deal with myself every day.
Also, any suggestions of how to overcome negative experiences trying to open up or converse with others in such a fashion as a forum? My past experience paints this dynamic very poorly, but I come back to the idea of it because I feel the benefits may outweigh the negative experiences and emotions I’ve had/have.