Depression Vent Room for Misfits

I was just thinking about this tonight. I'm aging and growing more disabled by the day. I've missed out on many dreams because of all of my traumas from the past. I tried, but my physical health really got in the way. And with my mental health worsening my physical health and vice versa, I knew that there were things I could no longer pursue. That saddened me and angered me. It's not fair.

I'm sorry you are struggling with this, too.

I've asked many of the same questions you do. Unfortunately, I still have no answers.

All we can do is comfort one another until there are answers. And relate to one another's pain. ((((safe hugs ))))

My family and their toxic friends are a trigger for my depression. I been feeling really depressed because of how bad I been feeling because of how down I been feeling because of how hurt I been feeling because of the rude comments that were made.

I feel bad. I feel like a bad cat mom, a bad friend, a bad sister and a bad daughter. Just overall like a bad person.

Is guilt part of depression, maybe it is, but why. Sometimes feel guilty, was I the best I could be, did I do everything I could, am I bad daughter, bad friend, good coworker. It is interesting to learn that depression can include psychosis symptoms.

Oh, Deilla, thats so sad. It's not true! You try so hard, & life is just really hard sometimes. I hope things lighten up for you soon. You're a good person! I'm wishing you a new energy that will let you feel your self worth & strengthen you. Hugs & love to you!

Deilla - you're not a bad person. You're a good person who has been hurt.

I'm so sorry you are struggling with all these feelings.

Thank you for sharing, zapatoes. I struggle with those things, too.

But the truth is, we're people who were hurt and are now struggling with the effects of that hurt. All of those internalized messages - whether they be from our abusive and/or neglectful parents in childhood or from societal messages that somehow exacerbate our conditions - those still hurt.

My T helped me and some of my parts yesterday in session (online). She helped us realize that we are not bad, but that bad things happened to us. There were alters who were "groomed" to do icky things when they were in their early teens, so my T helped them feel not as guilty. She also understood that other parts inside had experienced different kinds of trauma as well. She understands why we're depressed. She helps us to slowly find our way to enjoying life - one itty bitty piece at a time.

I'm all alone tonight. It's late and I'm sad. I always get sad around this time. My therapist hasn't responded to me. And when she does respond, she never addresses my issues. I don't know what I will do. I'm all alone. I've called my mom twice today. She doesn't understand that I need support. Maybe I'm afraid to ask. I'm afraid I'll be let down. I have my cats. I guess it's time to go to bed and cuddle with them. That helps. It makes me feel less lonely.

It's 2am here in the UK. I went to bed early because I'd had enough of the day and just wanted to sleep. Now I'm wide awake, stressing about the days ahead and wishing I could go to sleep and never wake up.

I've spoken to T online this week, but it's not enough. I can't phone anyone at night 'cos it's not private. My H doesn't understand how bad things are. I tried to tell him a while back that I was having really dark thoughts. His response: 'if that's how you feel, just do it.'
Why would you say that to someone you supposedly love?

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Dear @East17, thank you for posting here. I can feel & relate with so much of what you've said. This kind of pain is hard to explain to someone else. I'm hoping that something wonderful will happen for you soon, & you will see that light at the end of the tunnel. Take care, ok?

Guns can go shove it up their own barrels and squeeze to the point that they never operate ever again in any lifetime! War sucks! Violence sucks! Hate sucks! Murder sucks! Killing sucks! Harming sucks!

I'm going to bed early because I'm dreadfully lonely. I tried to play a game to pass the time. It didn't help. I tried texting some people. No one's really interested in talking. I just wish I could talk to someone who cares. No one cares. No one has time for me. I'm all alone. It hurts. All I can do is sleep.

I'm so sorry that no one is responding to your texts! That's sad. It could be that the people you know are super busy or perhaps have certain times when they respond to texts from those outside of their homes. I don't mean to minimize your pain or make excuses for them, but it's a possibility. Still, it's heartbreaking when we lack friends who do respond at least within 24 hours. I've had some family and friends ignore me completely, whereas other would get around to it in like a month or so. I understand the ones who work the front lines and overtime in hospitals (I know a few, so for that, I don't judge at all), but there are others who do have time and choose not to engage with me often. I try to respect the wishes of others when knowing that not everyone fits within certain circles, but it hurts the most when family does this or when friendships change.

Perhaps there are new friends you can try making, or new local support groups through Meet-in or Meet-up (if you're in the U.S.). Sometimes they offer local gatherings (though be careful with this during any surges in this pandemic), and other times they offer support via phone calls, chats, texts, etc.

Rest is good when you're not sure what to do with your emotions, but depression is not good. There are ways to fight all of these feelings, but it hurts to fight. I totally get that.

I don't know what you go through in terms of your mental struggles, but I'm thinking of you and hoping that someone texts or calls you and that you can enjoy time with others soon.

((hugs)) @Deilla, I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. It hurts when you are in so much mental distress and no one sees it.

Yes sometimes sleep is the only way to block it all out. But remember you're not alone with this. We all care here.

Kind thoughts
E x

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Thank you! I woke up in the middle of the night and noticed that those family members finally responded. It was just too late though. One invited me over for something I was never told about. I'm not sure I want to go. My mom never told me about it. My brother doesn't talk to me. So I don't feel welcome even though my sister said I could go. I am disgusted with my brother. I don't care to see him. I know I should forgive and move on, but this is hard. I just want to stay home and conserve my energy for Thanksgiving. If my brother cared, he would come to visit me.

Sleep did help reset me. I feel better at the moment. I will try to get some more sleep. My pets are sleeping with me, which is really nice.

I am sad because I was broken as a child and now I cannot relate or connect to anyone. I am alone and I prefer it that way, but my biology betrays me. It craves social connections as I reject them, consciously creating a internal contradiction and making me tedious. I wish I wasn't me.

I'm depressed this morning and can't shower. I washed up the other day so I just freshened up today. I feel bad for not showering but I really can't handle it. I just want to stay home today. But it's Thanksgiving and it will be nice to see my mom. Today I don't feel very happy. I'm very tired and I'm very depressed. Maybe later will be better.

Today is a difficult day. I have no one to talk to. I tried to talk. I guess it's just not in the cards. I had 100 chores to complete but only had the energy to do 3 of them. I'm tired. I can't do anymore. I've been working all day. I've had no time to relax. It has me really depressed today.

I'm not looking forward to the zoom meeting later today. My own fault for saying I'd fit in with everyone else. But meeting at 4pm causes me a lot of unnecessary stress at home, so next time I'll say no to late afternoons.

The crazy thing is that it's voluntary, I'm not even getting paid for all the ***** I'm putting up with. It was supposed to be something to help other people and also something for me, to keep myself occupied while I'm at home all day.

Because of this meeting and needing to be mentally alert, I purposely didn't take all the stuff I usually take to knock me out, so consequently haven't slept well. The day hasn't even started yet and I'm already wishing it was over.

I don't see an end to this situation. Not until one of us isn't here anymore. The way things are going, that's likely to be me.

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Feeling some sadness right now.

I'm just so lonely lost hopeless and broken.
I'm tired of being forced to live.

The guilt of how everyone will feel keeps me here.

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Am I a failure? I feel sad and ashamed because I rescheduled my PT appointment. I couldn't take a shower today. And I'm supposed to find a mailbox and mail something. I can't cope with these things. I'm afraid. I couldn't pick up my meds. So I had them shipped to me. Simple things are so scary for me. I'm a worthless human being.

I'm upset that more people were hurt from the hands of firearm owners or from negligent parents who provided firearms to their children. I'm upset at the shooting incident in Michigan. I think they are trying the 15 year-old suspect as an adult, and one of the charges includes terrorism, in addition to murder charges, etc.

Given all the hate going on with many groups against other groups, it makes me both angry and scared that I'd be a target one day. They already had a local shooting where I live, which involved a suspect targeting minorities, which included three fatalities. It was at a mall that I shopped at when I first moved here. I just can't believe how close to home these shootings are.

My best friend was murdered when she was 15 or 16 years old. She was shot in the chest by some man who followed her home. I will never forget the information that her family (her half-sister) shared with me and my family. They never include the non-family friends in the notification requirements before publishing a news article, but thankfully I heard from her family. Still, I find myself going back to that news article every year to read how my best friend was killed. It is there forever.

Unless you have ever been a victim of vicarious trauma and had a deceased loved one's name put in the news - even for just a small few articles that don't even make national news, you will never know what that feels like. It is a painful artifact. It is a painful reminder about grief, loss, and danger.

And even then, as I am aware, I can't imagine the depths of pain that murder victim families must feel when their deceased love one makes national news. It's painful on such deeper levels, I suppose. What's even more painful is either the suspect getting away or the suspect not receiving just deserts for their crimes.

I'm venting because I'm angry and scared for my well-being, my daughter's well-being, my family's well-being, my friends' well-being, and society in general.

Maybe I should throw my laptop in the freaking trash. It won't restart, or reboot, or automatically repair. Maybe it's just hopeless. I don't know. I tried thinking of shortcuts but I doubt it would work anyway. I just hate it.