[ExoticChaos]

I have been having a horrible night. I decided to sit down and just let the words flow. It definitely came out different than I had expected. But I didn't change it because that is how I was feeling at the time. Might be a bit morbid for some, but it's my way of saying this depression is NOT going to get the better of me. Let me know what you think if you'd like.

One night in the darkest hour before morn
I decide to let go of this life forlorn.
The pain in my heart I can no longer endure
I'll leave it all behind, my spirit will be pure.

The loss of loves gone on before
I will meet again at heaven's door.
With shaky hands I grasp the devils
Pour them into my palm all disheveled.

I stare at them in quiet contempt
I'm scared of what I'm about to attempt.
I raise my palm up to my mouth with a sob
My lips part slowly, time to finish the job.

I tilt back my head, preparing to swallow,
Thinking will it hurt, this thing that will follow.
And in that instant I see something shocking
An image in my head that silently came knocking.

Two perfect angels, a sister and brother.
Who've lost a father, and need a mother.
I throw the pills across the room in hate
I cannot go through with this, I debate.

I may have heartache and I may have tears
But losing both parents will affect them for years.
Two little angels, hearts full of love
This depression I must be free of.

I scramble to pick up the evidence of evil
I cannot let them see me in such an upheavel.
I throw them out the window fast
While my sanity is here standing steadfast.

I crawl between the angels who are lying in my bed.
Lay down beside them to rest my head.
I stare at their sweet sleeping faces
Holding them close in my embraces.

I must fight for them, they deserve so much more
Than finding their mother dead on the floor.
I am a MOTHER! Can't you see?
Depression I want you to hear my plea.

Leave us at once, you will not win
I will fight you, fight you, until I can live again.

~Deanna


My <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.timelesscaptures.com/tulip> Blog </A> about depression.

[Peanut61]

(((((((((((((((((((((Exotic))))))))))))))))))))))...

I want to thank you as one whose own Mom committed suicide. The devastation it does to kids...well, you never even get close to getting over it, and, often, it defines your whole life, so, again, THANK YOU for throwing those pills away, (in your poem and in your mind/heart).

Respectfully, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>
<div class="foot">(Edited by Peanut61 on 08/13/04 00:50 AM.)</div>

[ExoticChaos]

Thank you for your post peanut. I'm so sorry that you had to endure the heartache of losing your mother that way. I think about suicide at times. But in reality I could never do it. I know I am stronger than that. The poem was just an affirmation to myself that I have so much to live for. Doing something like that is not an option. It was just something I felt at the time, and being a writer, I normally get it down on paper before I lose the moment. Thanks for taking the time to read it, and thanks for your kind words. This board truly is an extended family who really cares.

Deanna

My <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.timelesscaptures.com/tulip> Blog </A> about depression.

I grew up knowing that both of my parents struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts; I was always afraid of coming home and finding them dead. Though as they abused all of us children I later wished that I would come home and find them dead, they are still alive.
I am the first in my family to really get serious about overcoming our history of mental illness--it's a difficult journey, but you too can take the leap and provide a safe haven for your children, and in turn you will also feel safe.
Blessings,
THanks for sharing your poem. It speaks to me in many ways.
Love,
Jon

[(JD)]

Good read chaos... kinda wish the post was in creative corner so more would read it...

[Wants2Fly]

That is so elegant. Beautifully written. And heart-breaking.

Thank you for sharing your heart with us.