[Peanut61]

We haven't heard from you in a while. Check in, OK?

Fondly, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

[hamstergirl]

I'm here. I wasn't going to reply, but having galloped to someone's defense, I may as well reply here.

I was wanting to make plans to move from Ottawa to Toronto, so I could be closer to my mother and brother and to Doug. But then I thought of the high rents and my father towering over me, screaming at me. That ended it right there.

My mental health nurse now knows about Montreal. She wants to know if I ever sued them. She wants me to contact a lawyer at Legal Aid to write the hospital and find out the truth about what happened to me. So what if it turns out that it was their fault? What do I do? Sue them? It's a welfare recipient against a world class hospital, guess who'd lose that one. I'd lose even those their actions will cause me a lifetime of physical and mental anguish.

I cried in church today, sickened that I must spend the rest of my life in Ottawa, hiding from my father's rage and deprived of a friend's support. I may have to wait until my father dies before I move back. Doug could be dead by then.

I just want to pull away from the rest of humanity. I feel more alone with people than I do without them. So what if Doug says isolation is terrible, I grew up thinking it was the most wonderful thing in the world, thanks to my father.

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.

[Peanut61]

Just wanted you to know that we were concerned and that we care. Thanks for the reply.

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

[wisewoman]

Your father won't live forever and you CAN set boundaries. I am sorry you are afraid of him still and I understand that having a disability makes it harder to separate and feel like his issues are his alone. However, it would be a surprise if he was physically abusive to you. Verbal and emotional yes. Do you have the resources to say STOP. You may not swpeak to me that way or act that way around me. No you should know that I do not practice what i preach. I have severed connections with my now elderly parents but a few years ago I drove all day to see them for an hour and drove home the same noight. I saw a cople of frail, pittiful excuses for humanity who delighted in torturing us. Me especially I think. So, no, I have not done what I am suggesting but I wonder if being closer to supports is worth you finding the skills to tell him to fluff off? Just a thought. By the way, I a sorry for your pain and wish that you had a good pain management specialist to help you.

[hamstergirl]

No, thank you Peanut. It's nice to know someone cares.

My first priority in talking to a lawyer is to find some answers. It was the nurse who suggested the lawyer and not me. It seems only prudent to watch out for my interests. Montreal is notorious for not releasing medical records, they may become even more tight lipped if they realize potential malpractice is involved.

Because of one operation, I was completely robbed of my ability to crawl by nerve damage, which drastically affected my quality of life. I could not do a lot of things after that, because it was too painful to pick me up.

I cannot wash my feet, put on socks or cut my toenails without massive pain. I must wear socks and fleece slippers constantly to protect my feet from even being brushed against.

They cannot put me in a plaster cast for any future leg surgery. They must put me in skeletal traction: a metal pin through a bone to immobilize the limb, which for me is the greater ordeal.

I broke my leg in the hospital as a direct result of the nerve damage. I could not tell my leg was tangled in the blanket when the nurses lifted me.

I have been left with a permanent phobia of hospitals. This has affected my ability to act in all medical decisions. I have lived with aches and pains and a dislocated hip for years because I was too terrified to see a doctor, fearing that what happened at the age of 12 would happen again. I might not be on morphine now had I acted sooner and not been afraid. In my line of business, when there is a medical decision, it is crucial that I act without fear or sentiment, as these can get in the way of making a decision.

That one operation robbed me of the ability to act without fear and there may be other consequences that I do not know about.

They will say I'm greedy for money. Caring for someone with a disability is expensive and anyway, in my current condition, I am unlikely to go jetting off to the Riviera. Any money will be gone in a few short years. I want those people to know what one mistake did to a 12 year old kid and to make sure that my suffering isn't in vain and that it doesn't happen again. They took something precious from me, but most precious of all, I trusted these people to make me better and they made me worse. I have had a very hard time trusting doctors ever since.

Whether I sue them or not will depend on what happens in the days ahead and what happens with the lawyer. I hesistate to do this because these people were like family to me, but I may never get any peace unless I resolve this.

Oh and my parents have been very tight lipped about Montreal. I would rather have gotten answers from them. If I do this, I will wish I had stayed silent, because all sorts of relatives may suddenly come crawling out of the woodwork, relatives who for years didn't know I existed, relatives who won't give a &^%$ about the fact that this lawsuit will screw up my financial status and I will have to live off that money for life, relying on it for everything from rent to wheelchairs to meds. There will be no trips to the Riviera. The drugs alone can cost thousands per year.

And before you start blessing my good fortune, this is the kind of good fortune I would rather not have. I will likely want to trade that money in to duck the next trip into traction.

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.

[Wants2Fly]

Wow, HamsterGirl. This is such a complex situation. Are you sure than you can sue after all this time? In the US, there are statutes of limitations on some things, but of course, we have seen the rash of RC child molestation cases, so I guess it's pretty long.

On morphine. No wonder you are depressed! This is a major, major downer. I am an old-time hippie drug user, stayed away from H bec. I at least had sense enough to know this could wreck me. I had it once during surgery, and for my system, it is a very powerful medication. I know you have to take it for the pain, this is not a game of altered state of consciousness for you. But still, it has to be affecting your state of mind, no matter how controlled the dosage may be.

Well, I can't get into the family thing. Families can be very complicated. When I was in college, I used to think with every vacation that I would return to a perfect sitcom family welcome, but it never went like that, and finally I "got it" that it would never be the way I wanted it to be.

And I moved to Spain for about a year to get as far away from my mom as I could. In those days, there were no phones, so no calling me up with long, sad tales of her problems.

No wonder I am such a whiner. Did I ever have any example of how to be a happy, well-balanced person? Of course, poor old mom probably suffers from depression, too, even though her stiff-upper-lip stoic philosophy will not allow her to ever admit it.

I am so glad that you are still here, still posting, still offering comfort and accepting what little we have to offer you.

I hope this is a good day for you, Shelley.

[lost_lonely]

(((((((((Hamstergirl))))))))))) I'm glad you came back.

[hamstergirl]

My father once said he wished he could hit me. Osteoporosis has saved me from that.

I have told my father about his yelling, before I left home. He wouldn't listen and just told me that I should stay with my family because everyone else would abandon me like everyone else in my life had. He hasn't changed in 11 years. His family is terrified of him, even his wife. It is interesting to note that once I left, everyone else soon followed.

To this day, my sister can not sit in a car when there is yelling going on. That was his favorite place to yell, in the car or in the van.

I do not have the skills required to tell this man to fluff off and it may take years to obtain them. I must keep myself safe because even yelling, this man can intimidate me and he knows it. I have no real reason to want to go home, just so I can put up with more yelling over a condition that I neither asked for and that I can not cure.

These people have no understanding of mental illness whatsoever, no compassion for it, hence I can not explain my reasons for doing things. (My parents want me to get more help and I don't want to spend my life living with nurses.) They have very little faith in my abilities and are convinced that I am one breath away from a nursing home. Granted that I desperately need help, but I am doing the best that I can.

The ironic part about their lack of compassion is that my mother has depression, as does a brother, sister and uncle. So I am no worse off than the rest of them are and I am not the family disgrace that they paint me. I'd like to know what my mother tells her shrink about me. Probably that I am the sole cause of the family woes because I did not do this, this and this when I was seven years old, or because I moved away. I am so sick of taking the blame for everything in that family.

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.

[hamstergirl]

I hope you're wrong about a statute of limitations. My parents never talked about what happened down there, because it was a "private family matter." (Facts about my disability were even kept secret from other family members like the filthy secret of what my disease was called. It's cerebral palsy, not syphillis.) So 10 years passed without the matter being discussed and I've only just started talking with my shrink about it now, ten years after that. A deep culture of shame surrounding my disability was perpetrated in that house and they wonder why I am not a cheery, outgoing disabled rights activist.

That requires believing you deserve the dignity of rights and the only thing that was encouraged in that house was shame and fear. Disabled rights activists also stand up to emotional abuse at the hands of family members. What, do they think we'd avoid that subject out of gratitude for all they've done for us? Like not dumping us on the doorstep of an institution when they could have. Decency tells you not to abandon your child and being grateful does not include covering up emotional abuse. Even though I feel like I'm betraying them for even talking about this.

What right do I have to complain about abuse when these people didn't abandon me in a nursing home for good?

In any case, I am now compelled to seek answers on my own, because as far as my parents are concerned, Montreal is their own private shame. It was my body that was sabotaged, not theirs. They don't have to live with nerve damage for the rest of their lives. I had a right to know of any malpractise in case I wanted to sue the people involved, rather than my parents just hoping that it would all "go away." That's what they are hoping for by staying quiet.

If my parents had any visions of my becoming a ballerina at the Bolshoi, I would suggest they get rid of them now if they haven't already. I am physically disabled and will probably never meet their lofty expectations. They are nearing retirement and I am nearing middle age. GET OVER IT! The shame, the anger, the resentment, the secrecy, just let it die and get on with your lives!

I wouldn't call what you offer me little comfort. It's just I have big problems that can not be easily fixed. You are offering me far more comfort than my parents would or ever could.

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.

[hamstergirl]

Thanks lost.

Being able to help you out made coming back worth it. I would do it for anyone else on here.

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.

[lost_lonely]

HUGE HUGS FOR (((((((((((((((((HAMSTERGIRL))))))))))))

You have been so helpful in aiding me through this nightmare, I don't even know what to say. You're a good person hamstergirl, despite what your family or anyone else may say to you.

Take good care of yourself. Your caring attitude is such an asset for this site, and your understanding of what I went through touches my heart.

[wisewoman]

I Hope that you are feeling well and peaceful. You have a great understanding of what is up in your life and with your family. Wish I could help you feel better with getting the care you need. By the way, someone asked if you were tactile defensive? Sounds like a possibility where one's brain tells us something is painful when others don't experience it that way. It's about sensory integration in the brain I believe. Take care.