I keep going back to bed.

I'm having a hard time staying out of bed . . . a very hard time.

Staying in bed a lot is common among depressives. This has happened to me frequently over the years . . . but not like this . . . not to this extent.

I get up to eat when I'm hungry. I make a meal, but I don't clean up the kitchen afterwards. When I run out of clean dishes, I wash them. When the stove is covered with dirty pots and skillets from a few meals, I clean it off and scrub the cookware.

Except to go to the grocery store to buy food, I don't leave my apartment. I watch TV a lot. I cruise the Net. I read magazines.

I think of talking to my healthcare provider, but I say, "What's the use?"

I'm sore with aches and pains. I get short of breath when I exert myself the least bit. I feel very deconditioned by inactivity.

I'm afraid I'm going downhill and can't stop.

Oddly, I don't feel sad.

My apartment's a mess.

Hi Rose76, I really feel for you in your situation, friend. It's very difficult. One positive, I guess you could say, is that you don't feel a great sadness but nevertheless, depression can obviously be a very tiring and exhausting, isolating condition, I know. 😔🙏

Are you looking for tips about dishes building up? Because, for me, having a nice clean kitchen actually makes me feel a bit better inside myself Rose76, maybe you too.

What I do for my dishes is, I wash my pot, pan or wok, and utensils, straight after the food is on the plate ready to eat - and you can wash dry and put away some of them as you're cooking too. If you use a chopping board, give it a clean straight after you've finished using it. Give the kitchen surfaces a wipe down as you go. Then after I've finished eating I wash/dry/put away the ones I was just eating off and wipe the stove etc., which has by then cooled down. All done. My approach means there's not a big Mt Everest of dishes waiting for you after you've enjoyed your meal.

I just make sure I do it so it doesn't trouble me later, which it will if I don't. I mean, I totally understand if you can't manage it Rose76. Depression effects people quite deeply and in differing ways, but I just thought I'd share that with you in the hopes it may help.

I'll leave it there, and I hope things change for you eventually Rose76. You can get through this great challenge you're facing little by little by little. I do believe that.

Sending prayers of inner peace.🙏🙏🙏

mote - Thank you. I did make progress on the kitchen today. Having things nice and clean and tidy does make me feel much, much better. I will re-read your routine and keep reminding myself that it is so much easier to do frequent small cleanings than letting it become an overwhelming mess. You are so right.

It sounds like you have cultivated some good habits. I think half of my depression is the product of bad habits. I have no daily routine that I follow. I eat at all different times from one day to the next. I follow no schedule and make no plan for my day.

When depressed, I don't pick up after myself. Then the disorder around me makes me way more depressed. If I get the place straightened up, I know the depression will greatly lift. So today I left the TV off and made some progress on clearing up the disorder.

I've become addicted to being on the Internet. Too often I take what I mean to be a short break. But once I start online, I stay on way, way too long.

The isolation is mainly from COVID. I'm very afraid of catching it. My plan has been to relax my avoidance of people after Easter. Since before Christmas, I drastically cut off my contact with others. I can't continue this. The mental effect is too damaging. I stopped visiting others and told others not to visit me. I will get another booster shot when it's available. I will start going out to eat. I will start meeting a friend for lunch. Over the last 4 months, I got way too accustomed to being alone. Now the thought of socializing seems burdensome. But this is not healthy.

Monday I had lunch out for the first time in ages. It felt great. But I find it hard to talk myself into leaving the house. I know I'm safe at home. I never had agoraphobia. But lately I feel like someone who has that. I don't even want to go out and fill my bird feeders because I don't want to bump into neighbors.

I appreciate your encouragement. I think I shouldn't need that, but any feedback does help me. I hope now that I build on that. If I can just keep inching along, making progress, I could get well again. The way I've been lately has been really unwell. It's like I've been sliding down a slippery hill. Just sliding faster and further down. The aloneness makes it scarey. I just want to call out to anyone.

My family live far from me. I'm the one who moved far away. If they knew how bad I've been doing, they would worry and want to fly out here. That would make me feel awful. My plan is to go visit them in a month or two. First I must pull myself together. So I don't confide in them how depressed I've been, which leaves me feeling alone with this awful weight bearing down on me.

Today (Wed) has been better than was Tues. At least that's something. If I can just keep going up again tomorrow and the next day. Not watching TV today helped. I spent more time getting things done.

Aaw, fantastic Rose76, I'm super happy for you. You did it! You wanted to do it and you did. Fantastic.😊👍

And I'm real glad you're getting out and about as well. That's better than me - the recluse! But, yeah, we all have our little victories in life one way or the other. I think it was mainly ants that made me want to keep everything clean in the kitchen (and elsewheres) and just having a standard that I felt comfortable with. My dad was always clean and tidy, so maybe it left an impression on me somewhere along the line, I don't know. Also being on my own makes things easier to maintain, and finally it's something to do. Of course, if I don't feel like doing any of it, I don't have to, there's no one to answer to except myself. Anyway, I'm not good at analysing it too deeply.

Rose76, Im glad you're feeling good within yourself. I was very happy to read your reply. And I want to, yes, encourage you to just keep going up the hill of inner happiness again - further and further away from the inner gloom.🙂🙏

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rose76 My apartment's a mess.

I tend to be a postponer when I feel down like in winter but when I finally do a little cleaning organizing, I feel better about myself.

The good news is you are doing the dishes and washing the pots if not right away. I started trying to do the lunch dishes after lunch and it is only a few dishes. I push myself a little and feel better knowing I did them.

@CANDC

My dentist's office called to say I missed my appointment. I was mixed up on the time. It's crazy. I did this a week ago. I also missed a doctor's appointment a few days ago by getting there late. Everything is written on the calendar, but I misread it. It's crazy. Disorder in my mind, as well as in my house.

If I straighten my environment, my mind will be less confused. I'm taking a nap now. It all tires me so.

Thanks for the encouragement, both of you.v

@Rose76

Yup, I've done that same exact thing, misreading an appointment date or remembering it wrong. But I hate having to tell them why I missed the appointment because it sounds like something a 5 year old would say - "I forgot" ha.

Yes, you'll come right soon. Have a nice nap. 👍

It's almost 5 p.m. I'm still in bed. Went to bed about 2 a.m. So that's almost 15 hours. No one needs that much rest. I had breakfast in bed. Them mostly I've been looking at videos and reading.

I don't want to beat this to death. It's hard to advise someone who just wallows in a problem. I do realize that.

It's still kind of nice out. Maybe if I went somewhere. I feel too tired and sore to tackle any housework. Moving around would alleviate some of that.

Yes, going out in the sun would be nice. It's a good idea. And just keep chipping away in whatever areas you'd like to change Rose76. I mean it's a struggle yes, it's real, so now I tell myself; I don't see anyone at the door trying to help me. And no ones leaning over my shoulder giving me a hard time about anything, so why should I give myself a hard time for nothing, as well? No, take your time, open the windows and let some fresh air in. Go for a walk in the sun and listen to the birds chirping in the trees. Then come back and have a little tidy up, or what have you. Little by little we can restore a bit of inner peace in our lives. It's a lonely journey, yes, but that can be a future goal to aim towards(?) Anyway, you'll be okay Rose76. It'll be fine.🌞

more - Thank you. I went out to pick up a prescription and a few other items. I felt so much better once I was out. Didn't even want to come home, but I had something important to do at home that I'm working on.

Yes, I may have to accept that "chipping away" may be the best I can do. Tonight I'm going to write a note to myself that includes a modest to-do list for tomorrow and why it would be good to get those things done. Maybe even include something to do for fun. Waking up with no game plan for the day is not working for me at all.

I gotta climb out of this apathy. It just gets deeper every day that I capitulate to it. My life could be so much nicer. Thanks for encouraging me. I hope you are gaining on your goals as well. You sound like someone who may have been where I'm at sometime in your past.

Today was a bad day of me doing n o t h I n g. I was wanting to post about it, but I waited . I didn't want to come on here and just whine. If I don't try to get better, I don't deserve any sympathy. Maybe I shouldn't look for sympathy. I have found that encouragement from others does help me. All day I thought about making an appointment with my healthcare provider. I didn't because I figured that would just be me whining to a professional. I did that to death years ago, when I was plagued with depression.

I'm here now to say I think I have a slight plan. The main thing upsetting me is my cluttered house. (It's just an apartment, but it's ground floor with a front and back door, and not real small. So it feels house-like to me.) In the past, I hired a professional organizer when I felt overwhelmed. That turned out to be one of the most worthwhile things I ever spent money on. The first time was back in 2020, after my boyfriend died. I had been staying at his apartment to care for him during the last few years of his illness. Then I closed up his place, turned in the keys and came back to my own place. I brought a ton of stuff from his place to mine. Plus, my place was dirty from renovations the landlord did and lack of attention on other fronts. I was plunked down in what looked like a disaster. Also I was deep in grief and alone. I ended up in a psych unit for a week. Twice. Hiring some energetic young ladies to clean was a good start. They made the bathroom and kitchen clean, but tons of stuff was still in piles. I was sleeping on part of the bed after I moved stuff over. Still depressed, I called the "organizer."

That worked out way beyond my hopes. It was a guy, which came in handy for some heavy lifting and minor repairs. He referred me to another guy who did junk hauling. For a modest price ($70,) that guy took away a bunch of stuff. A crushing weight was off my shoulders . . . and out of my house. The depression resolved nicely. I had the organizer guy back to help me go through mountains of paperwork. All together I had him for three two-day sessions, 3 hours each day ($150/day.) I'm on a small income, but that was the best-spent money I ever spent. I was so glad I hadn't used that money for therapy, which would have changed nothing in my life. So I think I might do that again. A 2-day assault on the chaos would probably get me over the hump.

Just writing this down here is making me feel a bit better - like I may actually have a plan. For days I've been thinking, "I need help." It felt like I needed more pain medication and psychotherapy. What I now think I really need is some concrete, hands on, physical assistance. The "mental" help that I do need is some coaching in how to wrangle this chaos that has spread like a cancer over these three rooms that I inhabit.

There are underlying psychological tendencies that get me into this kind of quagmire. I have a slight hoarding tendency, though I can ruthlessly divest myself of "stuff," when the accumulation becomes oppressive. I get readily distracted and compulsively go off on time consuming tangents when I'm going through clutter. My attention gets consumed by nit-picking concern with too many details. I'll find a pile of old magazines and think I better sit down and read them before I throw them out. The presence of the professional organizer kept me under a kind of discipline, so I was able to move along.

Okay. Maybe I see a path forward. I can't stay like this. It's gotten too awful.