I can’t stop seeking for validation after a traumatic break up and I became a shell o

My bf broke up with me back in September last year and since the event, my mental health has been in shambles. I didn’t expect that I would cope by talking to and hooking up with random men I would meet online. I developed a bit of hypersexuality and since I was dumped via text while I was begging and crying on the phone, I felt like I wasn’t good enough because I wasn’t given any courtesy to be dumped respectfully and that I was discarded like garbage. To this day, I carry the belief that I am only good for sex and that my feelings and thoughts don’t matter because that's what the world has shown me my whole life. The breakup gave me abandonment issues and I feel like no matter what I do, I will never be good enough for anyone to stay or for them to choose me to be in their lives. I ended up being terrified of serious relationships, yet I crave companionship and validation.

I would put barriers in my head to prevent myself from catching feelings, but I ended up developing some for one of the guys I met up with, and of course, I wanted him to like me back, not because I wanted a relationship, but because I just wanted to be validated and to feel like I’m good enough. For a brief time, I felt so good about myself, but when he ended things, I was back in that same headspace with my ex that I ended up speaking to more men and continued to hook up and even go on dates. But the thing is, no matter how pretty they find me or no matter how kind and chill I was for them, I felt so hollow and ****** inside because it’s just never enough and my body is the only important thing to them. Sometimes, I don't even want sex but I feel like it's what I should do for myself. Recently, I’m in an exclusive fwb situation with someone and I felt good and safe around him because he was clingy and sweet to me but recently, his energy shifted and while he still talks to me often, he’s not as clingy lately and I’m anxious that its all on me and that I will be abandoned once again.

Whenever someone’s energy shifts or their effort dwindles, despite not begging for their attention, I end up blaming myself for it that perhaps there’s something about me that made them this way or that I’m not enough. I over analyze everything that led to their actions. I take their rejection or shift very personally that something is wrong with me. No matter how draining the cycle is, I can’t seem to escape it. I just want to feel like I matter and that I’m good enough. It has gotten so bad that I promised myself that if I experience more abandonment before the year ends, I will take my own life because I can’t stand to be myself again. It has become so overwhelming at one point that I ended up relapsing on self-harm and drugs again after a long time. I have a support system, have hobbies, and I go to therapy (had to stop psychiatric treatment due to financial issues though) but I can’t escape the toll of being somebody that is never enough.

Horny people wanting to DM, please don’t and cause further harm. Thank you all.

I am sorry you are suffering. I’d say people who break up via text are selfish and it’s nothing to do with who you are. They take the easy way out. They aren’t worth your time.

It’s recommended to take time off after a break up and don’t date or be intimate with anyone for year. Keep yourself busy with other things. It’s not easy but it’s a good strategy. It gives you time to reflect but also allows you to appreciate your own worth and your life apart of being someone’s girlfriend. Have you tried it? If not a year, maybe a few months to start?

This site is pretty safe and I don’t think you should worry about horny DMs. I think people correspond with likeminded friends in PMs. Now on occasion you might get strange PMs. I know I do but extremely rare and I just ignore them. But they aren’t of a horny nature. Lol

You can also report inappropriate messages to moderators. They take care of those very quickly. But it’s not a common occurrence, at least in my experience.

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The breakup gave me abandonment issues

From what you write, your abandonment issues seem to pre-date this recent breakup. In your own words, this is the pattern you resort to, as you explain that you did the same with your ex ("I was back in that same headspace with my ex that I ended up speaking to more men and continued to hook up and even go on dates.")

This is the heart of the problem. You are depending on someone else, i.e. these men, to make you feel good enough. No one can do that for you.

And you are correct, it is *never* going to feel enough because you do not value yourself. This dependence on external validation will never be enough. Not until *you* value yourself & not until you choose to give of yourself (physically, emotionally) to men who deserve you, *not* men who use you - as is the case presently.

Do you feel you matter? Do you feel you are good enough? This is where the problem starts. Work on yourself - depending on other people to feel any sense of worth is what you need to work on first, before getting into any relationship.

Hi darjeeling, glad you found these forums.
Rive is right, through the desire of validation by others we give them all the power, the power to lift us up and the power to squash us.
It’s best we don’t give others this power and reclaim it for ourselves.
We also have the power to squash ourselves though, and the road to finding love for ourselves can take time and patience, and all the gentle and wonderful things that now you seek from others, you could begin to provide for yourself.
You could ask yourself “what do I want from these men?” And then you can give that to yourself, it takes time and persistence and I hope your heart will open up and that your mind quiets down.
Be gentle with yourself, if your mind tells you that you are no good, follow up with an “I am good”, you don’t have to believe it at first but the negative needs a counter, if left uncontested then the negative narratives win.

These are things you’ve probably discussed in therapy so I apologize if it’s repetitive.
We are here to support you through your journey