[rei from evangelion]

I’m 14, and I genuinely have no redeeming qualities. I comfort my friends constantly and make sure they’re okay, checking in on them just to make sure—but sometimes they ignore me or just don’t even bother to do the same. I’m a pretty empathetic person, but I’m overly sensitive and get hurt way too easily and that’s annoying to others. And I’m super paranoid about people leaving me to the point where I’m constantly seeking validation that they WONT leave, and that’s probably disgusting to them. Not to mention that I can get aggressive on accident and that’s not good either. I talk too much, I fish for compliments sometimes when I’m feeling insecure, I try so hard to be a saint but I’m a disgusting, horrible person who deserves nothing. I cause everyone in my life nothing but stress and pain and I honestly shouldn’t have the right to be around anyone. Which is why it hurts to have good ppl around. I’m hideous and chubby, and I feel dirty no matter what I do. I have a horrible, mangled face with a large nose and horrendous features, so no one will ever desire me when I’m older. I’ve always worked hard to be an artist and animator when I grow up, but ALL of my friends are better than me at art, which was pretty much the only thing I had left and now that’s gone too. I’m nice but not nice enough to call a nice person, I’m not smart, I’m not funny—people joke abt me being annoying, I’m not interesting, I’m not pretty, I’m a disappointment and a waste of space, taking the place of someone who actually deserved a life, unlike me. I’ve looked around and seen the amount of ppl unhappy with where they ended up, wishing their dreams could be a reality, and I’ve NEVER had good luck. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to achieve anything that I’ve dreamed of. The innocent little kid who used to want to be an artist will be disappointed soon, just like the world when it realized I was born.

[Blueberrybook]

Are you in therapy right now? If not, could it be a possibility to bring up with your parents? It sounds like you have a lot of issues going on like self-esteem, possible depression, undervaluing your positives. Are you on any medication for depression? It might be worth getting a psychiatric evaluation if your depression is bad enough.

Things probably do seem pretty bleak for you, and I'm sorry about that. The teen years are such a difficult time to go through. I would not relive my teens for anything! My 20s, yes, my teens and high school, absolutely not!

Things can get better. It makes my heart ache to hear you are only 14 and you already feel you have failed at everything when in truth, your life has barely even begun.

If you can't reach out to your parents, is there an adult in your life you could reach out to...another relative, a teacher, a school counselor?

[SquarePegGuy]

Welcome to this site, @rei from evangelion.

As I read your post, I forgot that it's in the "Mental Health Support > Depression" forum. So I started to think, "this is an amazing, angsty, stream of conscious!" In which case your desire to be an artist has been achieved!

@Blueberrybook is right about how difficult the teen years are. But I think it's important to stop saying disparaging things to/about yourself.

I hope you'll pop in to visit your school's social worker just to say "hi." If you feel comfortable with him or her, ask, "My friend said she feels that she's a disgusting, horrible person who deserves nothing. What should I do?"

BTW, I started my diary when I was 13. I wrote similar things about myself. I remember an assignment in grade 8 English class; I was probably 14, too. Each of us was supposed to write about why we would be a good friend or not be a good friend. I chose "not" and mentioned many of my annoying mannerisms. The teacher thought it was so well written that she read it out loud to the class!