I failed again

I haven't been around for a while. I had a little outburst on here, for which I've made my peace with the person involved. I regret my behaviour and I apologise if I upset or offended anybody else. There is no excuse.
I started my medication back in May after a little trip to the hospital. I think I'd been taking it for 8/10weeks (1000mg depakote and 10mg Olanzapine). The impulsive/delusional stuff tapered off to nothing. The psych at my review said I seemed calmer. The weight gain was bothering me but I stuck with it. Then over ten days I started to feel like a zombie. I just couldn't do anything or think straight. I felt shut down and I could feel the depression coming. My next review with my psychiatrist isn't until October. I was told to reduce the mood stabiliser by 250mg but I panicked and stopped taking my tablets on Wednesday I think, I don't remember, my minds totally muddled. I don't want to go manic again. That was almost pretty final last time around. But the depression is far worse. I'm not sleeping again. I was told not to look back over the past 18 months or so because of the damage it will cause, but I just can't stop myself.
I feel like I've failed again. I did this last year when I started to feel shut down.
Sorry for the long post.
Toodles.

I'm sorry you are hurting. I agree about not looking back. You are far to raw and it will do no good. I hope you begin to feel better soon.

You stopped taking them on Wednesday? Why not go back on them at the reduced dose as advised and hopefully avoid a horrible trip down memory lane.

If there are side effects you cant manage while on meds then the dose might need adjusted or new meds altogether.

But stopping cold turkey isn't really going to help matters.

Im glad your back and I hope your feeling better soon

I think this is what I need to do. There was supposed to be a question in my original post, but I'm not really with it. Is it normal for this combination to drag me right down like this with no "normal" period in between? I've gone straight from manic to this within a few weeks. I'm anxious again. I think that's what's stopping me sleeping. Will it be the mood stabiliser that's done this? Hence the 250mg reduction. Tank you.

I'm happy you're back, toodles. Was worried about you. Hugs.

I agree with christina about not stopping your med cold turkey and staying with the reduced dose, or maybe call your doctor and explain how it's making you feel?

It's really hard in the beginning to adjust to this stuff, the diagnosis, the meds and just trying to wrap your head around it all. I agree don't look back right now and go all judgy on your self.
Cristina has a good idea. It might not be a bad idea to call the Pdoc for guidance, don't worry about them being judgy either because they've heard it before and know the med thing is hard to adjust to.

I'm deeply, deeply grateful for your comments. I'm pretty isolated right now. I guess we all feel this way at times.
I flushed everything. I went all defiant and thought I could do it alone. I'm sane enough to know now this wasn't sensible. It's a marathon not a sprint. I was told by my psych via my GP to reduce the Depakote by 250mg but I new it'd be like another 6-8 weeks before I felt a change. By then I'd have bee in the hole again. We all know what that journey is like. There were other things bothering me too. I was just left to get I with it. Nothing was ever really explained to me. I was told to go to a support group but I was manic and I didn't really want to discuss imy behaviour with strangers.
Thank you again.

I got no advice for you, just wanted to say I care about you, ...

I hope you feel better soon. I'm sorry you are having to go through this :-(

Thank you again.
I need to be up in less than 3 hours but I don't think I will sleep tonight. It's becoming an issue again. It's in the early hours like these when I have brief moments of clarity that I can see how bad everything actually is and how I have to do it all alone. I lost a baby, my partner was given this diagnosis and attempted suicide all within 10 months. I just haven't got the first idea how to try and come to terms with any of it.

I'm so sorry to hear that Toodles. You sure have a lot of pain to deal with now (((((((hug))))))))))

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I've got to stop going over the past. Easier said than done though. Grrrr.

It seems you have a lot to get through. I can suggest Melotonin for sleep. I take 10mgs when nothing else is working.

Tanks for that little tip. I have my Olanzapine to take again, I think it is that which helps me sleep. But I'll definitely give that a try if I can buy it in the UK.

I'm so glad you are back and posting. Look at all of the support you have here. Lots of good advice.

I second the melatonin. My Pdoc also recommended bennadryl once but it can make some people buzz so you don't want to try it for the first time at bedtime. Just an idea though.

Do you have a therapist?

Thank you. You've been my biggest supporter . I've been taking my depakote and zyprexa again and it's helped massively. I'm sleeping and I feel a lot calmer again. I don't feel any of the zombie/depressive side effects I did before. Today was a good day. I don't know if I'm maybe hypo, I've only ever really experienced euphoria/hyper. I went gambling today, and won. I just felt like doing it. It's not something I normally do. I set myself a £60 limit but ended up winning £120. I then spent my winnings on a nice bar of RayBans I'm hoping this nice mood continues.