[dexter]

...And guess who isn't sleeping.

I slept a few hours on and off but it has been very aggravating. I wake every few hours with my stomach in knots. Sleep is getting more and more interrupted and I don't know how I am going to keep functioning.

My next appointment is a week from next Friday because my T had a few days off this week. I'm not sure if I need to speak with him or not. I suppose taking my own advice that means I need to speak with him . I've never spoken with him "in crisis" before... when I started with him was after my hospital stay and after my IOP when I was stabilized. Mostly though I really want to be able to take care of things tomorrow and I'm afraid if I call him I will procrastinate with the rest of the stuff. I can do the other stuff first in the morning and then call him or call someone afterwards. I don't need to be hospitalized but I need to take some kind of action. Really I need to take action on getting things back under control, which I have been working very hard at all week, and I need to follow through. I really think if I let this slip I will be overwhelmed.

As I said I don't need to go to the hospital but I have been considering it if I get worse... today I was deciding if it came to that if I should drive myself or let someone take me again... go to the local hospital or set something up through my T... options, considerations, etc.

I really wish I had someone nearby who I trusted and was available to come over... not at 5 or 6 am but someone who would say they could stop by after work and then would follow through and actually show up. I wish I could get some sleep. We need off buttons on the back of our heads, or in a hidden location like Data had on Star Trek.

And now of course I've added the additional stress of having to find an appropriate Beatle's title every time I post. I'm a Monk without a Sharona.

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--http://www.idexter.com

[partlycloudy]

Dexter, sorry you started the day before it officially began! Do you do any journaling at all? Or rate your emotions on a scale at all on a regular basis? There have been so many times when I haven't felt like I've made any headway (now THERE'S an expression!) yet, when I look at what I've charted, I have actually covered vast territories in my recovery. It's like being able to see the forest when you're in the trees.

If you have an arrangement with your T to call when you're in crisis, then this is when you would use that. Mine has scolded me a few times when I have shown up for an appointment, then told her what a mess I'd been since the last time we met. It really is what they are there for.

I too have no one to call to come over and help when I'm in dire need. Of course, though, that's what we're here for too. I have crummy coping skills and have fallen into a bottle when I've been doing badly. Which makes it worse, which makes me feel guilty, which drives me deeper into depression.

Let me know how your day progresses. I usually check the boards as often as I can during the day.

((((dexter)))))
pc


"Plays well with others"

[wisewoman]

Sorry you are having such a tuff time Dex, I am thinking about you. Wish I could help you get the ooomph to take a few steps and do what needs to happen. (whatever that may be). Hope your day improves.

"I'm a Monk without a Sharona." You could sell T-shirts and make a fortune!!! ....just gotta work your way around copyright issues.

Lack of sleep makes depression SO much worse. Yes, please call your T. If the idea of hospitalization is even entering your mind....you know it's time to talk to your T. Helper people, like you, need to take the advice they would give others, right? Take care of Dex today! :-)

Emmy

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((dex))))))))))))))

[gloria]

Dex, maybe you are sick. I am like a stomach infection or something like that, this doesn't necesarity has to do with your stress and stuff. It could but, maybe you trully are sick.
Have you eaten again?

gab

It's almost noon sleepyhead. We await word on your sleep update and your phone call status. Don't think we'll let you off the hook that easily. :-)

Emmy and others have their eyes on you!!

[dexter]

Did about three hours of sleep after my last post. Still feel drained but I was up early enough to feel I hadn't "wasted away the day" which would have made it harder for me to make the calls I had to.

The important call I made early and spent most of the morning filling out the forms that were required on the internet. I'm waiting for a call back so I am going to try to eat and clean my house so I don't tie up the phone (I don't have call-waiting)

I never made any sort of crisis arrangement with my T... the subject has never come up! Early on I did talk to him when I was still having suicidal ideation but I wasn't in danger of going further than thinking about it back then, not since, and even the SI was gone for a long time.

Fairly late last night I did eat again... I had a craving and opened a can of Dinty Moore beef stew. I haven't been shopping so I am out of bread to soak up the gravy . Again I was fine eating but nauseaus again afterward.

I took my Wellbutrin while I was up at 6:00 so if that has been contributing at all to the sleep problem tonight should be better for taking it so much earlier. I have a ritual so that I don't accidently forget I've taken the Wellbutrin and thereby double dose when I take the remainder of my meds (usually after I'm up and showered)... I put the Wellbutrin bottles on their side or upside down so that when I go to my pill area it reminds me I've already taken them that day. Problem is I'm supposed to turn them right side up again at that point so that they are "reset" for the next day, and I've been forgetting... i.e. if they are upside down the next day I don't know it if is because I took them early in the morning or because I forgot to turn them right-side up again from the previous day.

So each morning I have to do something different with the bottles as a reminder. I've been putting them in different places, on top of things... soon I'm going to have to hide them in my shoes in the morning as the reminder

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--http://www.idexter.com

Helper people, like you, need to take the advice they would give others, right?

Emmy,

You wouldn't be feeding us something that you yourself wouldn't be doing, right????

<font color=purple> --zh </font color=purple>

[partlycloudy]

My pill reminder system: I start out with the bottles on the counter. As I take the med I put the bottle in the cupboard, until they're all put away.

Then I take the bottles out before I go to bed.

Sometimes my cat tries to hide the bottles on me, but I have no real little people to worry about getting into anything.

I don't know why but I resist using those plastic pill boxes with the time or days of the week on them. Like that would make me geriatric or something?

Take care
pc

"Plays well with others"

Dexter,

There are a million systems for remembering to take pills. I've tried several thousand and finally found what works for me.

Label maker and little containers (14 of em). The seven a.m. containers have a blue lid and a label with the day of the week and A.M. on it. The P.M. containers have a clear lid and same deal with labels except P.M.

This system has been working for over two and a half years (think over ten years of different medications and different cognitive difficulties from those medications) and that alone is a miracle!

The reason it has worked is that these little containers (think super mini tupperware) are clear and I can physically see whether or not the morning or evening dose of any particular day has been taken.

My mind currently will remember to take the pills around 8 p.m............by the time I actually get up and put the pills down my throat it often is 11 p.m. Now I rarely miss doses and I can't remember the last time I took a double dose because of not being able to recall whether or not I took my pills already.

But that's me...........let's find something that works for you.

How about two woven baskets or plastic baskets? The size of a 4" square or a 4" diameter circle might fit your prescription bottles.

Attach sign to one saying "TAKE ME!" and another sign for the other saying "GOOD FOR ME I TOOK MY PILLS TODAY!".

If you were to use that system then by evening you would know that you've taken your pills and could put the bottles back into the "TAKE ME" basket for the morning.

How about colours? Having different colours on the morning and evening doses I take helps me to remember each dose.

I've tried charts taped to the cupboard to check off when I took what, I've used the week at a time containers from the drug stores, I've had the little alarm thingy to remind me............etc...............etc.

It comes down to finding out how to outsmart YOU!! And that is going to take a little figuring out.

As a fellow bupropion taker I remember with dread how it felt to double dose by mistake (back then I was at the 450 mg/day mark.........225 morning and night) and how jittery and ill I would feel. Sleep was lost when I mistakenly double dosed. You've got my understanding about how to remember if/when you've taken this med.

The different place idea is good..............for me tho it would assure that my pills would be hidden from me within a day! lol I like to add to my challenges sometimes and what could be more fun than spending several hours searching for medications that need to be taken at a specific time of day?!

<font color=purple> --zh </font color=purple>
<div class="foot">(Edited by zenhussy on 08/26/04 01:53 PM.)</div>

Dearest Zen - Bite me! :-)

Dearest Dex!! Thank you for keeping us updated! Let us know about that phone call, K? I so appreciate your wonderful posts, and worry about you when you aren't doing well. I know we don't know each other well, but I do care. Your big heart is hard not to notice. Hugs to you. emmy

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Dave}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Forget I posted to you elsewhere, ok? Getting self-involved here... again.

I say, get yourself one of those plastic pill thingme's and the heck with being "geriatric!" LOL It doesn't really have anything to do with it. If you get one, I'll get one! LOL I don't like being afraid to take a med that I feel I need and not remembering whether I've taken it yet that day or not. I usually go without and feel like crap regardless. Make it easy on yourself! Do whatever it takes! Use whatever crutches you need right now and drop them later when you don't need them anymore.

If you had someone that would follow up and come by and check in with you after work, what would you need from them? What would you're expectations be? Please let me know, ok?

Love ya, guy! Take care of YOU!




<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

[SeptemberMorn]

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun, and i say it's all right

Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter little darling, it feels like years since it's been here. Here comes the sun, here comes the sun and i say it's all right

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces little darling, it seems like years since it's been here. Here comes the sun, here comes the sun and i say it's all right

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...

Little darling, i feel that ice is slowly melting little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear here comes the sun, here comes the sun, and i say it's all right
It's all right





<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

[lenjan]

Re ways to remember taking meds.....this is the only thing that's worked for me: I leave the morning ones in the bathroom (next to the jar of multivitamins). 1st thing in the morning, brush teeth, etc, take vitamin, take morning meds.

I leave the night meds on top of the TV, as I'm usually in that room at night, reading if I'm not watching TV. I leave the remotes on top of the TV too. If I go to pick up a remote, which I do to catch the 10:00 news, at least -- I see my meds, and take them.

I guarantee that if I tried to leave them all in one place I would get so confused I wouldn't know which end is up! :-)

I tried one of those little plastic pill holder thingys that says "morning/noon/evening/bed" or something, but I can never remember where I left it and half the time I don't think to look at it anyway.

Good luck finding a way that works for you, and on feeling better!

Candy

There used to be a real me, but I had it surgically removed. -- Peter Sellers

Dearest Em----------chomp!

<font color=purple> --zh </font color=purple>

Oh jeeze!! I would surely lose my fourteen little containers if they didn't have a home: a cool metal lunch box.

All those hip ones nowdays that they have at every retro store with Superman or Rosie the Riveter on em...............mine has a picture of Shiva and Hanuman and other Hindu deities on it.

I take the two containers out for each day to put in my purse or put by the water jug to remember to take them.

Every night the empty containers go back into the lunch box and the next day's containers come out.

Once a week I fill up the little containers and then have a lunch pail full of my meds to take........................the rx bottles and whatnot are kept in another lunch box. So people just think I collect lunch pails when they see them on my bookshelf entering my room.

When traveling I put the original bottles in the box and stack the empty containers and lids in there too so that I can dole out my meds once I reach my destination...........otherwise if I take my pills straight from the rx bottles I'm guaranteed to mess up a dose. The airport security was perplexed by my box o' drugs last time I flew but when asked as soon as I said it was a lunch box with my rx meds they zipped it through the x-ray and on I went to the gate. I guess a metal box in the center of a carry one with lots of little containers in it looks strange.

Or maybe it was me that was looking strange as I did have the flu after all................dunno

How great it is that we all have so many ways of making this work for each of us. Hopefully Dex will be inspired by an idea offered up and create a system that works for him............I can only hope!!

<font color=purple> --zh </font color=purple>

[dexter]

HAHA!!!!

I have one of those "seven day" pill boxes, worked very well but then I got too lazy to fill it up each week. I tried different days of the week "fill time" but couldn't get anything I could stick with. I think there are still some pills in it

And I HAVE little woven baskets on my dresser! (Their plastic with a "woven" look) will all my meds. I use them mostly though to separate the pills I take everyday from the pills I take only when needed... more to keep them organized than to remember.

And the problem with all the other things is the same I have with my original post... I'll move them all into the "taken" spot but never can get myself to "reset" them constently in the evening or whenever.

I normally don't forget which groups to take, and I have a morning group and an evening group, and I have no problem with that... its just when I "break ritual" and take the Wellbutrin before the morning group, I worry about taking them again when I take my morning group regularly.

I should clarify that I don't have a problem with this. Sometimes I have trouble staying on schedule when I don't feel well, but not forgetfullness. And I've NEVER had a problem with the Wellbutrin in the morning, I'm just worried that someday I MIGHT have a problem and that's why I started flipping the bottles. I have to say though when I wash my hair in the morning, on the repeat (lather, rinse, repeat) I VERY OFTEN lose track, I am sure that some days I shampoo three times. I am sure that is just because it is so routine and automatic that I am on autopilot. But it is discouraging to think that I can't count up to two . Recently I've given in to only doing it once. I'm saving money on shampoo.

I do do something to separate my morning pills and night pills though, just to make the bottles easier to find without having to read the labels... the bottles are all "child proof" but you can flip the cap and screw it on upside down (it has threads on both sides) so that you can skip the childproofing if you want to/need to. When the cap is flipped it is VERY noticable, the bottle looks completely different. So I've flipped the caps on all my morning meds, so when the bottles get all jumbled I can grab the right ones easily. This worked fine until my doc gave me a new subscription for something to take once morning and once night... poop. I just struggle to remember that one each day

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--http://www.idexter.com

[dexter]

>>If you had someone that would follow up and come by and check in with you after work, what would you need from them? What would you're expectations be?

That is a great question and I think a question that everyone might consider.

I'm not working, so mostly I'm home all day, so the timing is flexible. I'm not looking for every day... once every two weeks would be nice, once a week would probably be sublime... just for maybe two hours in the afternoon. Everyday and I think I'd get sick of them . And it would be nice if it was different people so that I wouldn't have to worry about overburdoning one person, even if they got together to work that out.

Mostly I would want light conversation. I'd want to laugh a bit. And when I can get someone here... like when my friends visited from Pgh last week or when I visit my other friend at work (I did twice this week) I usually find myself laughing at least a bit. That has to be healthy. I know it can be scary dealing with someone with an illness but when I need to be I honestly don't think I let the situation become awkward. I was helping Kevin with some software a few weeks ago and we spent a lot of the day together, and the next day he said he had a lot of fun that day and would like to visit more. He's the one who took me to the hospital so if anyone would be shell-shocked it would be him, and he clearly isn't. He's got a lot of irons in the fire though right now that are occupying his weekends and evenings. I don't mind that. I mind the people who say they are coming to visit and then don't show up. Kevin tells me when he has an appointment or just can't make it and to be honest that makes me feel more comfortable with him, because I know he is not coming over out of guilt. He has been a great friend and I always remember that when I am complaining about no one being around.

Once in a while I would like someone to be able to talk to and just sit with for awhile. What I have to say, is someone who would give me a hug when I need it or just want it. That's tough because for some people that is a violation of their personal space. I know several people who are "huggers" but they are nowhere around. Kevin is definitely not a "touchy-feely" guy.

Even to have someone with some casual contact once in a while would be a big help. Someone who puts their hand on your shoulder when hey say hello, or doesn't get all spastic if your elbows touch when you pass each other. I've got no one around like that... I know I've whined about this before, but I have no human contact at all for many months at a time and I think I am really suffering for it. I feel like I am in a bubble.

Back the last few months when I was feeling better and getting out, it would have been nice to have someone available to take advantage of it. I mentioned making it to a few movies... I went to all of those alone. Which isn't a problem, I like going out by myself, but not ALL the time.

Maybe someone for a slice of pizza once in a while. I don't know. Just some contact. I do really want someone trusting enough and that I trust enough that I could cry on their shoulder when needed... that's what I really really wanted last night... but I am a long way from that.

And I don't trust many people any more. I find a lot of time that I am uncomfortable hugging people, even close friends who I used to hug regularly. Probably for about 5 years this has been going on. Now it is moot.

That has been why my going out on the weekends has been such a huge deal for me. Number one, I just feel very comfortable there for some reason. Even when I am self conscious and doing my "Marlin Perkins" thing . I don't know if I mentioned this before... I'm the kind of guy who can not pee in a public rest room. I always take a stall and still I can't do it. Even when I have to go really badly sometimes it just won't budge. Even if the bathroom is empty! (I feel as if someone will walk in after I start). In this place I go on the weekends I was worried about that, but I discovered that I can go with no problem at all there. Not a second thought. Even if I'm not in a stall! That's one worthy of at least a month's worth of Freudian Psychotherapy I think .

But I often get so sad there because while I am observing I see all around me what I want. People come in, spot friends, get a big hug, sit together, see others, everyone hugs and their faces light up when they see each other. I just can't seem to be able to break in to that. I am hoping if I go often enough I may be able to break the ice. But for now I just observe. The last time there, there were two people standing in front of a bar, just kissing each other all night. Not "sexy" kissing, not French kissing, just sort of gently and affectionately, and moreover just holding one another, standing there in the middle of the room, all night long. I just felt so incredibly jealous, to both have someone like that and to feel so free without a care. These past two days I have been worried that I won't make it there this Saturday and that upsets me... or that I may force myself to go there and it may not be a good place for me this time. I'd love to have someone I trust to go with. I have several friends who would be perfectly OK going with me but again, none of them around.

I don't know... how long have I been babbling now? I haven't been able to eat all day today. I did clean my bedroom and make my bed... I haven't made the bed in a few days, and I definitely feel better when it is made... and the room was a mess because to find those photos that I posted last night I had to dig through three big boxes of pictures and I left them strewn all over the floor. They are back in the boxes now. Trying to eat should probably be a priority now... and shopping... I'd probably eat a little better if I had more choices close by.

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--http://www.idexter.com

[wisewoman]

That darned med thing huh? I have accidently taken a double does of wellbutrin at night twice. It's in the pre-poured pill box and I take it out and put it on the bed side table for morning but one of my vits resemble it so oops, no ill effects though. It is important to have people with whom you can be close. It is also a lot of work to maintain relationships when you are depressed and overwhelmed. I have been avoiding a friend and I just realized it's because I have been angry with her for neglecting me. Duh, she's going through a divorce, who is neglecting who? Good topic. I love when the connections with people are real and deep. Hope things are moving in a positive direction for you with the forclosure.

[dexter]

I'm worried because I am taking the maximum dosage allowed. I'm safe from the dangerous side effects but I worry that one double-dose might cause some damage.

If I ever truly wasn't sure I would skip it to be safe. I haven't had a day when I've had to do that (i.e. I've never been unsure of whether I took it or not, in spite of my messed up system.

Anyway I just logged in tonight to let everyone know I made some pirogues, I had some really really fresh sour cream, and I made some brussel sprouts along with it as well.

Hopefully there is enough time to digest it all before I make another attempt at bed.

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--http://www.idexter.com

everything you wrote was great up 'til the mention of brussel sprouts............however as they are good for you and you made a dang good sounding dinner I'll let it pass.............this time

Dexter you've had a heck of a time lately.........I admire how you're handling this latest one-two combo from life.

You've inspired me to zap some things in the micro and eat............which is good 'nuff for now.

Sending you dreamy sleep.

<font color=purple> --zh </font color=purple>

[Wants2Fly]

Hi Grand Poohbah --

I'm a recovering addict -- so just having all those pill bottles lined up in the bathroom has a certain kind of dysfunctional comfort to it.

Forget my pills -- hah! Only rarely. I have to remember not to take em twice and not to prescribe up'ed dosages.

I know exactly that feeling of being alone in a room of people having a good time with each other that you describe.

This disease is hell.

Please keep sharing with us. It's a start, and weunderstand and love and care about you here.

[SeptemberMorn]

You MADE pirogues?? Hot damn! I've been looking for some in the frozen section of a couple of supermarkets and haven't found any!! I want some pirogues!!! With sour cream and onions, please!

::: drool!!! ::: Gosh dang it!! Having a fit here!!





<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

[gloria]

What are pirogues?

gab