Existential Funk

I wonder if I'm really depressed. I mean, I lack energy, my interest in things has declined, I've lost motivation, I'm perpetually gloomy, and I'm certainly not happy. But am I depressed or am I just having trouble ascribing meaning to my own life? Is there a difference?

I'm an agnostic, which means I have no idea if there's a god, a point to the big picture, or any objective point to existence. I firmly and adamantly believe that I can't know. But I exist regardless so like any good existentialist I have tried to give my own meaning to my life.

I tried kids but then I project my existential crisis onto them. They have the same problem, after all. I tried to make art the point of being but I can't create art 24 hours a day and besides, that attaches my own significance to the approval of my work by others and I just don't like other people enough to put my fate in their hands. I tried living for the moment but the second you get bored you're screwed.

So after religion, philosophy, psychology, art, career, family, drugs, technology, consumerism, routine, what's left? Why do I feel so empty? Why can't I enjoy the existence I have? Why do I not feel comfort in the fact that at least a few people would care if I were killed by a falling piece of a space satellite today? Why do I want nothing more than to sleep and subsequently avoid my own conscious existence?

Why can't I just pick something to care deeply about and care about it already?!!

I worry that at the end of my life I'll look back and realize that I never figured out how to enjoy any of it.

I wish I could find a new obsession. A new thing to devote myself to and anticipate. A new thing to engage with child like wonder.

But who has the time?

My body feels so heavy, my head is always swimming, and aside from a cold spot between my shoulder blades, I don't seem to care about much. At least, not with any enthusiasm.

So maybe I'm depressed or maybe I'm being obliterated by the absurdity of the human condition.

Or maybe I just need a nap.

Cyran0

I don't know that one gets a whole lot of physical symptoms for existential stuff? When I get to questioning I get kind of nervvy and start hunting high and low for answers, etc. and sort of more interested/anxious (I prefer to think I'm "excited" about something rather than "anxious" :-) and involved in wanting answers and to ease my unease.

Why don't you play it both ways and experiment? Changing how you think of things, looking at it from a different perspective could change how you think of things? I'm looking for a paradigm shift or change in perspective myself at the moment and am sort of enjoying imagining how those two might differ?

i say go for the nap Cy... : )

sorry if you're suffering.. it is a heavy and complex deal we've been handed.. do a little part?

you're doing alright from what i see... but i dont feel what you do....

there is meaning to this imo... just pick a place and do something i reckon...

like you have done... are still doing imo...

take care friend..

I actually read this on the main page a few days ago, and I thought this might apply to you, or at least something you could identify with. Maybe it will help, if it doesn't, here's a hug:

((((((((((((((Cyran0))))))))))))))))

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2008/wha...al-depression/

Wisdom is much to be desired! yet it can lead to great frustration! The more people know the more they feel responsible for that knowledge,and ultimately,the more they realize the extent of their ignorance. Having great wisdom did not guarantee Solomon would live wisely...in fact, it's the wisest and most brilliant may face the most aching realization that something is missing. "Vanity...all is vanity! and a chasing after the wind" Solomon observed that God "has put eternity in our hearts" nothing short of the promise of eternity can give true meaning to the "existential funk" or to the changes and transitions of this life.

hi cyrano.
you don't have to guess--you're depressed. and you don't need god or art or eros to help you--those things are just noise in the void to keep you from facing yourself (which in my case tends to be a good idea).
you are doing the right thing right here--engaging in dialog with other concerned persons. it's not gonna be easy, if it were then there wouldn't be any dead depressives.
good luck to you pal. feel free to PM me.
pi

This frog of little brain has no answers but can empathize with your feelings. I could be like the “old wise one” and say “this too shall pass”…….crap.

I understand that desire to find something, anything to be passionate about. We feel we have been through everything and there is nothing left. You know that is just the depression talking but it doesn’t help. The feelings are still there.

Perhaps with all the stress and pressures in your life right now you cannot see through the fog of reality. Maybe your answer is to quit trying so hard to find “it” and instead allow your heart to open to what is already there.

When we get to the point where only emptiness resides nothing but darkness is on the other side.

So . . . .

Close you eyes. Let yourself soar among the clouds. Find a rainbow and follow it to the pot of gold on the other side. Your treasure is there waiting for you.

((((((((((( Cyran0 ))))))))))))

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
kebsfroggy said:
This frog of little brain has no answers but can empathize with your feelings. I could be like the “old wise one” and say “this too shall pass”…….crap.

I understand that desire to find something, anything to be passionate about. We feel we have been through everything and there is nothing left. You know that is just the depression talking but it doesn’t help. The feelings are still there.

Perhaps with all the stress and pressures in your life right now you cannot see through the fog of reality. Maybe your answer is to quit trying so hard to find “it” and instead allow your heart to open to what is already there.

When we get to the point where only emptiness resides nothing but darkness is on the other side.

So . . . .

Close you eyes. Let yourself soar among the clouds. Find a rainbow and follow it to the pot of gold on the other side. Your treasure is there waiting for you.



</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
.

Christina86, thanks for pointing out that article, I hadn't seen it before.

And thanks all of you. It seems, in this moment, that I'm having a chicken or the egg problem. Am I depressed because of my existential crisis or am I having an existential crisis because I'm depressed?

I was thinking last night that it's really too bad that I know that one day our sun will die and wipe out all life in our galaxy. If that weren't inevitable I would have an easier time finding comfort in posterity. My body of work, my children and grandchildren, would all continue and keep some essence of who I am alive. But since everything will be wiped out, well, there's no eternity in the physical world and I'm incapable of the faith Altonwoods wisely suggested. So the question of personal meaning comes back.

For me it seems the existentialists have a point and the secret must lie in the waking moments we have in this life. But if you're depressed, well, that brings pi's statement about facing yourself problematic.

Kebs suggestion strikes me as realistic and wise but it's hard for a cynic to get there.

But maybe my preoccupations serve as just that much more noise in the void and it's the depression that's plaguing me. A sort of philosophical game to jerk myself off with while crippled by feelings of pointless, causeless sadness.

Or maybe I need another nap.

Cyran0

For what it's worth, the Sun's expansion will only wipe out the planets in our solar system, and from what I understand, only up to Jupiter. Our galaxy is safe from our tiny, far-from-center Sun. As I mentioned before, I actually find some comfort in this sort of thing, because while it does mean that our good work will be removed from posterity in 5000 million years, it also means that our bad deeds will be. Neutral. If you think about it, there's even a good chance that the components of your art are created out of the sundered worlds and stars of other galaxies. I dunno, I find it comforting, but your mileage may vary.

If I followed my own advice, I'd be living my precious few decades to the utmost - oftentimes our own intelligence and capacity for selfindulgent introspection is our downfall in terms of happiness. You can wear yourself out with chicken and egg problems, or even those that have multiple causality problems, or you can, upon occasion, try to remember how nice it is to watch a good movie and have an IBC Root Beer.

Hang in there. We cynics have a vital role too.

try not to worry about the death of our star, the collapse of the universe and other cosmological tragedies. these events, should they happen as theorized, are more than a couple of billion years from now in occurence. we will be stardust by then so it shouldn't ruin your lunch today.
by the way, matter cannot be created or destroyed and I will personally *****-slap sir isaac newton if he is wrong about this...
cheerup kidoo! try to think of a good joke and take a vacation from brooding.
pi

Whooops, meant solar system and not galaxy but eh, you all got the idea.

And magically, as though a veil were lifted, I'm in a better mood today and suddenly art is my religion again. Woo-hoo!

It's actually a little unsettling how different the world looks today than it did yesterday. It really makes me aware of how hard it is to trust myself when depressed. Nothing mattered, my thinking clearly changed, and I could see where suicide could be a real possibility.

But hey, not today! Today I'm finishing up a rewrite for a local director. Good times.

Cyran0

So did you do anything, or was it better for "no reason"? I'm glad for it either way.

No reason. I just woke up and it was a different world.

I'm still dealing with lots of anxiety but that's always there. I think that's part of why I don't recognize when I'm spiraling into a low period.

But anyway, thank you (and everyone) for your kind words and support.

Cyran0

It's actually easy to ignore minor ups and downs amidst the background hum of our own individual issues. Even the peaks start to normalize, and as you say, they don't start to become noticeable until you've hit a point where it's often far too late.

I'm totally intrigued by the way my brain decides to have good days and bad, paying no heed to the weather, or event in my life. Glad to know it happens to others too, in a way. One less neurosis to worry about

wow! Very powerful and full of energy and extremely intense. As they say" you took the words right out of my mouth". smilie

wow! Very powerful and full of energy and extremely intense. As they say" you took the words right out of my mouth". smilie p.s. I love the title.

Thank you Cyran0 for starting this string (terminology??). I can really relate to your thoughts and it encouraged me to join PC. I have always been leary of these types of websites, but this one seems to be okay.

The great thing about this place, slip, is that you can always not read something. Life could learn a lesson or two from that.

(you were very close - this is a "thread" )

Slip, Smilie, welcome to PC!

One of the best things about this site is that I can write something like the original post for this thread while I'm depressed and then go back to it when I'm feeling better (like now) and learn a bit about myself.

The next best thing about the site is seeing people like yourself get something out of my low periods. It means a lot to hear that people connect with how I was feeling.

Cyran0