Why???????????????

Why do things have to be the way they are? Why does life have to be this way? I am so tired of living feeling like I want to die and knowing that the people I care about want to die. It sucks. I was at work the other night, and all everyone around me is talking about is their weekend plans, and I realized I didn't have any. Suddenly, the thought just hit me, out of the blue. I don't have anyone. EVERYONE in my life has left me, they're all gone. My supposed, so-called boyfriend hasn't called in over two months. He could at least had the decency to call me and tell me that he wasn't want me anymore. I feel so worthless, hated and alone right now. I know this sounds odd because of the attack last month, but all I want right now is for someone to hold me, to WANT to hold me, and never let go. But who am I kidding? Who the hell would want to hold me? The only physical contact I've had since May was from a rapist, and as awful and nightmarish as it was, it was still physical contact. Pretty sad, isn't it? I don't care, let him come find me. I just don't care anymore. It's the most pathetic thing in the world when the only person who can bear to touch you is a rapist. I am so damn sick of this. Twenty years old and I've acomplished nothing, don't have anything to show for it. I don't want to be a failure anymore, I don't want to cry for hours every night anymore I'm so ugly and repulsive no one can stand to be near me or even hear my disgusting voice on the phone. I hate it, I hate it, I absolutely hate it! I can't handle this burden called life, it's crushing me. I'm too lonely and depressed. All I want to do is feel better again. What the hell is the matter with me?
By the way, I'm sorry to bring this site down. I try to contribute, and I try to be a good person here. I just want to help other people who are hurting. But I guess I'm not doing a very good job, since I can't even help myself.

((((((LOST)))))))

You're only 20 y.o...
You have plenty of time to learn how to feel good about yourself, girl!! :-)

You're a good writer. And you're not disgusting. And it's ok to let it out here. I'm sure you will also share when you're feeling good.

Be well and, well, we're not in 3D but still, we're never so alone on this here site.

Be well.

I admire your honesty. Truely do! I have been married for almost 28 years and have to say that all the years from 2 years old of rapist, molesters etc. have shown more attention then...... Oh my talk about hurt sad!!!!!!! It is so hard. I'm sorry supposed to be ok with this but so hard. You are not alone. You will be ok we will be ok. Our hope is not within this world but beyond any imagination.
You can delete this but it is truth.
morissa

LL -- You are dealing with a lot right now. I understand that seeking out a therapist can seem like it's not going to help, but the only thing that really doesn't help us is to not do anything. It feeds into our poor self-image and lack of self-respect.

I also know that you must be tired of hearing people say that you have your whole life ahead of you -- because it seems as if more decades of a life that sucks is too much to bear.

Please know that we care about you, Adrienne, and take steps to get counseling. Please.

<font color="purple">((((((((Lost_Lonely))))))))</font>

Lost lonely,
I know the place that you are in right now....because I have been there too. I know that is is lonely and frightening and the last thing you want to do is talk to a therapist about these scary feelings that you do not even want to deal with. But you have to.... it is one of the few ways that this is going to get easier. It sucks and it hurts like hell...but after awhile the talking makes it hurt a little less.
Please take care of yourself sweetie...even though it is probably really hard to do right now.

Stay strong and I am here,
Jessica

((((((((((((Lost_Lonely)))))))))))))...

Thanks for your compliments, I appreciate them. I do try to share when I'm feeling good, it helps to share the good things as well as the bad. (((((((((((saudade)))))))))))

Thank you for the comments. I only wish I were so honest in real life and with myself, as I tend to blind myself with happy little fantasies and illusions of the way I wish things were when I'm in the midst of a severe breakdown. You were pretty brave too, putting this out there. I admire YOUR courage. ((((((((((((mlyn))))))))

Thanks for listening. It always helps to know that the people here truly care. It's hard for me because my social skills are so awful. I try so hard to hold onto the few friendships that I have but because I just don't how to ACT like a friend, I literally watch them all fall apart before my eyes. It hurts more than you can imagine, as I care about some people I have befriended here so deeply I would be devastated if they didn't want to know me anymore. Thank you so much for your support. (((((((((((((Wants2Fly)))))))))))))

((((((((((((shakes)))))))))))) Thanks. Your response means a lot to me.

((((((((((Peanut))))))))))) Thank you for the hugs. I really needed them.

I know just what you mean about that holding onto friendships so dearly, until they fall apart.

Hope today is a better day.

((((((((((((Wants2Fly)))))))))))))))) Thanks, I'll pray for us both.