[Lexicon78]

Lately I have been so depressed. I don't care about anything and it takes all the strength I have to just get out of bed. My mom died last month and yesterday was the first time since the funeral that I went to her grave. That was the worst thing I could've done because it just made me worse. I cried all night long. I'm really trying to stay out of the hospital right now. Unfortunately, I probably need it, even though I was just in there two months ago when they diagnosed my mom as having terminal cancer. They gave her 1-2 years a couple months ago...she lived not even 2 months.

I had so much to tell her when she died. I have so many questions...like did I make her happy...did I make her proud...was I good enough for her...and so many more questions.

This is the hardest thing I've had to face...well, maybe not...since I've been sexually abused and tortured in my past, but this feels so much worse.

I loved her so much and I can't stand this pain. Why did this have to happen to her? She was only 48. I'm in a lot of therapy and hope it's helping. As long as I stay on the net I'm not thinking that I'm gonna go crazy. I either have to be on the net or on the phone with someone. Otherwise I panic.

I'm so alone...without my mom is hell.

[LMo]

Hey Lexicon -- I am so sorry about your mom. My mom also died from cancer. You said you were in therapy -- have you also considered grief counseling or a grief support group? You are understandably in a lot of pain and need some support. The net and the phone are great, but having some professional guidance through the grief process has helped a lot of people.

My mom died when I was 15 and I'm 35 now. I still have VERY realistic dreams where she comes back and talks to me about stuff. I don't really believe in afterlife or heaven or anything like that, but these dreams are SO realistic that I just have to wonder about how it could happen -- doesn't seem like just another dream. It's seriously comforting and I wake up with a weird kind of peace. So, give it some time -- hopefully your mom will come back to you in your dreams as well.

[saudade]

[[[[[[[[[[LEXICON]]]]]]]]]]]

I'm really sorry about your loss. It's so hard for you right now and all I can say, really, is that I can relate to it; the questions that will go unanswered.

Would it sound too stupid if I told you how I believe in the spiritual life and that, if there is a bright side to this moment about your mom, it's that her pain is over...

And although yours isn't over yet, you can find the strength to reinvent yourself.

All moms are lovingly proud of their offspring, I guess.

Be well.

[Maya]

I am feeling so bad for you - my mom died of cancer on May 30. She lived only 2 weeks following her diagnosis - and one week after surgery. Her last two weeks were pure hell what with the hospital tests and the surgery. I was with her the last two days of her life - I had to be the one to tell her the doctors could not get all the cancer out - the docs would not tell her! At least I was able to be there with her - holding her hand, feeding her and holding her cup and straw so she could drink. She was not allowed anything by mouth until the day before she died. It was so sad. I know the grief you are feeling - there is nothing like it. I still miss her very much - but I know she is free now - I released her ashes into the ocean where she felt most at ease (she was a paranoid Schizophrenic). She was there with me at sunrise as I released her. She gave me a sunrise identical to one she had painted 10 years before. There is life after death - I don't know what it looks like but I have faith that she is with me now more than she was able to be during her "life". Take care of yourself - cry and grieve. And, if your community has a grief counseling service try that. We have a place called the Life Center in Tampa that provides free grief counseling if you can't afford the $25 fee. My heart goes out to you in your loss.

[Wants2Fly]

I am sorry for your loss. I hope you will give yourself time to heal and know that it takes as long as it takes. There is no "right" amount of time to grieve.

[shakes]

(((((Lexicon)))))
I can relate to the pain of losing a parent. I am sorry that I do not have any advice for you...often I do not know what to tell myself, but just know that you are in my thoughts.

Jessica

[SeptemberMorn]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
yesterday was the first time since the funeral that I went to her grave. That was the worst thing I could've done

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

{{{{{{{{{{Lexi}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I don't agree with your statement. Having been through the same loss, the best thing you can do is let your emotions out. Cry all you want, grieve all you need to. There is no set time to "get over it."

Grief counseling would be a good idea.

Hang in there. It gets easier, slowly but surely.

[(JD)]

So sorry for your loss... I also disagree that going to her gravesite was the worst thing you could have done... no, it was probably what you wanted and needed to do... we all grieve sooner or later, you seem to be having a big dose of it and we all grieve and feel for you.

My dad died within 5 weeks of his dx... and they gave him 6 mo.

You could try and talk with your mom.. well I guess you do, don't you... tell her those things, ask her those questions... and then, before you go to sleep at night, remind yourself of how you'd like to see or talk with her... often they will come to us in our dreams and it's very comforting... try and rest and do this... my dad visited me often right after his death... he didn't do anything but show up - totally out of the blue in the dream and not connected to the dream at all -- and asked me "how're ya doing? I"m fine" he say.

Take care of yourself... you won't be so fragile in a little while, so just try and do it day by day.

[Leslie]

(((((((((((((((lexicon))))))))))))))))

I am so sorry for your loss. I wanted you to know I am thinking of you and understand how hard a loss can be. Many here can help you and I know that they care alot.

Take care,
Leslie

[lenjan]

Today is my dad's birthday. He would have been 76. He died five years ago and I still miss him terribly, but the acute grief DOES get better. You never get over it, but eventually you get used to it. Today to celebrate his birthday, I took a vacation day and went and did things he used to enjoy or that we would have done together. That sort of thing both honors the one you lost and gives you a break. Try to be extra nice to yourself for a while.

Candy