it's amazing how it works

... and in particular it is amazing the way you KNOW what is going to happen and yet you can't help.
I am mildly depressed today (don't worry for me K.).
I was under pressure at work. At the point that I feel like I am just living to work. A grim perspective, that makes me imagine my desperate death, miserable for having not lived.
Anyway, yesterday I was numb and unmotivated. I still considered me lucky. And today anguish came, the old familiar anguish.
I knew it was going to happen, I have seen this pattern so many times. Yet I couldn't help. No way.
Thanks to chemicals, it is mild. It used to be quite worse.
But when I feel it is coming, it is too late.

Amazing...

((((((((Stefano)))))))) know how you feel....but letting it out is a good thing yeah? and knowing there's others here who go thru the same thing helps too? well, it does me so i hope it does you too.

hope you get to feeling better soon...hoping there's lotsa sunshine round the corner for you. *hugs*

Wishing you strength (((((((((( stefano )))))))))))

((((((((((( stefano )))))))))))

May peace find you.

(((((((((((((((((((stefano)))))))))))))))))))))))))

BB

ya just gotta keep on hanging in there Stefano.. listening..

Your thoughts echo my own, man. I especially like "A grim perspective, that makes me imagine my desperate death, miserable for having not lived."

I look back on the few times I've "lived" with great fondness. I was hiking a year or so ago, while on my one-week vacation from work, and I thought to myself, "Imagine how I have to work 51 weeks a year just to live 1." Quite a negative thought indeed, but the fact is I was grateful to be living that one. Nothing like the realization that something is extremely rare to throw it's value and preciousness into sharp relief.

I hope you find something soon to add to the "lived" list; even the prospect of looking forward to such a thing is a warm feeling I wouldn't mind having more often.

Good luck!

when you talked about familiar anguish it reminded me of a poem i once wrote:

"Sadness, My Muse"

Oh Anguish, oh Sadness,
Come to me and be my muse
Life has been so lonesome here
Without your thoughtful words
I felt your smile upon my life
But quick it went away
And the numbness that consumed me then
Would haunt me day by day.

Every 'morn I wake with thoughts
And your presence I can feel
But as fleeting as they've always been,
I hid them in my fear.
I feel the need to bleed for you
How constant its become
But the blood will bring me further down
Till the emptiness has won.

And oh, how happy things I see
Can bring me to your thoughs,
For its the acts of kindness, good and true,
That show how fleeting are my wants.
By day I see the good around
And maybe just for me
But when at night I go alone
You are all I see.

I'm sorry, Sadness, for how I covet
The happiness - your foe,
But I know that life is not for me
So please! Fill me with your woe.
And emptiness my door it taps
With its sermons so entrancing
But I know someday you'll come again
And again we will go dancing.

Sadness, you're the only one for me
By now I know its true.
I know I strayed away so long,
But now we'll start anew.
Again, I'll say it one more time
You're the only one for me
For only in your warm embrace,
I'll create your poetry.

(c)Julie Bowdren, November 12, 2005

To know the pattern makes it a bit less scary and overwhelming do you think so? I think it is a step forward when you have to deal with this illness. You can't get rid of it but at least you know there is up and down to it. Some days will be better then others.

Please keep hope in your heart.