[jmb221]

Hi. I'm new to the forums but not new to depression. I'm having a really bad day and needed to "talk" to someone other than my family and friends so thought I'd try this. In a nutshell, I'm just so sad today and I can't stop crying or wondering when life is going to get better. I'm on a leave of absence from work (a job that most definately ended up not being the dream job I thought it would be), am by myself a lot and often just don't have the ability or desire to look for a new job, be around people, etc. My family, esp. my Mom, is so worried about me and trying to tell her to not worry is like talking to a brick wall. She doesn't seem to recogonize that constantly asking me if I'm OK, is there anything she can do, etc. etc. DOES NOT HELP!!! I just feel guilty that I'm doing this to her. As a side note, my father was clinicly depressed for several years and while what I'm going through is different than what he had, there are enough similarities that it brings back a lot of memories for all of us. I just feel horrible and want to stop feeling sad and guilty and disappointed and everything else that goes with depression (I'm not suicidal). On top of it all, my sister's baby shower is this Sat, and I'm "MCing" it and am terrified I won't be able to put on the happy face I need to for the day. I just don't know what to do. I want to stop feeling OK one day (or half day, or hour...) and then completly sad the next. Why in the world God lets people go through this is far beyond me. I just want to feel better. Is that too much to ask???

[RozG]

Hi there and welcome to pc.

It's good you've joined here where you can let things out without feeling guilty.

You don't say if you're seeing a therapist or taking any meds for your
depression? Or what kind of support you're getting?

And I know this may seem a silly question but...do you know the root cause of your depression? Some people do and others don't?

And I know I'm asking a lot of questions here but it's not to be nosey...it's just so we alll can know better how to help and support you.

And again...a very warm welcome to pc.

[jmb221]

I guess that info would have been helpful ;-) Yes, I'm in therapy (my session today probably was what set off a lot of this), plus I'm taking some medication, although we're still trying to find the right dosage (not the first time I've been through that routine before either).

The root cause...where to begin? In short, the depression was set off when the new job I took turned out to be anything but the dream job I thought it would be. I was put on a project outside my skillset, outside my knowledge base with a difficult client and difficult boss (although all the senior folks thought the boss was great). When, after a year of truly trying to improve, do good work, meet expectations etc., I got a poor review (the frst time in my life), I asked to be moved to another project that I thought would be more suited to my background and skills. I was told no because there was a business need for where I was. Two months later, I broke down crying in front of clients at our most high-profile event and couldn't stop crying. I was (and still am a little) mortified. That's when I knew I couldn't do the job and improve my health at the same time and am now on paid leave . My boss was not exactly supportive, but there was nothing he could do about it. His last words to me were "Good Luck." He never said, "I hope you fell better," or even attempted to be empathetic. He never was in all the time I worked for him, so why I thought he would then I don't know.

Underneath all this is just general self-esteem issues that have never been resolved despite past therapy. Add to this having to look for a new job and desparetly wanting my sister's shower to go well, and life's just stressful.

Aren't you glad you asked for more info." ;-)

[RozG]

Yes I am coz it sounds to me like you bottle things up til the bottle can't hold no more and flows over.

How long have you been in therapy? What kind of therapy is it and do you find it useful after the initial hurt it dredges up a bit dies down?


And I bet you wish you'd just ignored my post coz I ask too many questions?

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((( jmb )))))))))))))

[Christina86]

((((((((((((jmb221)))))))))))))))) Welcome to PC

Wow, seems like you've got a lot going on that isn't helping you very much right now. Lots of stress isn't good for making a person feel better about themselves or life very much.

I'm glad you're on paid leave from work, because being in a job under stress because the job really isn't suited for you has got to suck! Sorry your boss isn't more supportive either, but frequently people don't know what to do to help us (or what *not* to do) because not very many people really understand being depressed.

What happened during your session that you think made things worse for you right now? Did they say something? I'm glad you're in the process of finding out med levels too... although I know it's a long process to find correct dosages and drugs.

Nothing in life seems really easy does it? (rhetorical question)

Please keep posting here and talking things out. Send me a PM anytime if you need someone to talk to more privately.

Take care of YOU. You're important. Hope the baby shower goes well too.