Evanescense song triggered a memory for me...

On my lunch break today I heard this song. I love this song, heard it a million times. But today...it just brought stuff back.

I have a really strange mind...I have a really good memory but the strangest things will trigger a memory. Like a smell, or a song, will remind me of a very distinct memory from like YEARS ago. I'm weird.

Anyway...here's the song:



"My Immortal"

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus:]
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus]

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

[Chorus]

----

I just remembered...that this song was playing, that day, 4 years ago....and it just brought back everything.

Four years ago, almost exactly - it would have been late April or early May - my husband (then, just my live-in boyfriend) and I were not doing so well. We had been dating for nearly 4 years. We lived together, and worked at the same office, but rarely said two words to each other. He hadn't touched me in months. He was working two jobs, and he would volunteer for extra shifts just to stay away from me. I also worked 2 or maybe 3 jobs...one full-time and then various part-time jobs to pay off my mountain of debt from college.

One night I was complaining that we never did stuff together anymore. He said, fine, let's go to a movie. We were getting ready to go. He was going to sneak in some candy. He asked me if I wanted Red Vines or Twizzlers. I snapped back saying "I don't care just pick something we're late". He got upset. I said fine, Twizzlers. But he just wouldn't let it go. It turned into a huge fight about why he can't make even the simplest decision on his own and ended up being a fight about why in the hell we were still together if he never wanted to get married and we fought over the stupidest things.

I grabbed my gym bag. Packed a few things. And left. Told him I was going to the gym. I'm eternally trying to lose weight...this was one of those times.

I just drove, and drove, and drove. Drove in circles. There is a belt-loop interstate where I used to live that you can literally drive around in circles for miles, and never change lanes. I did that. Then I got to the point where it's up near the mountain, and there is this huge steep drop-off into a ravine. I wanted to drive my car off that cliff. I just wanted it all to be over.

I swerved. But I didn't give it enough gas. I hit the guardrail, destroyed my bumper, but I didn't go over.

And this song was on the radio. I'm not kidding you.

I was balling. Luckily there wasn't much traffic so nobody saw me and reported it. The car was still running. I just turned it around and kept driving.

I ended up spending that night at a motel. Not just any motel. But the one we went to...uhm...the first time we, y'know. Why on earth I went to that motel I have no idea. It's about 30 miles from where we lived (closer to where my parents live...when we first met I still lived at home...)

The next morning, I knew he was at work, so I got some boxes and went to start packing up my stuff. I was really going to leave him.

I even had my mail forwarded to a PO box. Started shopping for apartments, and looking for a job.

I honestly don't remember everything but I did end up staying with him the rest of the summer. I think because I was broke and couldn't find another job and we still worked together. But we were not "together"...we just lived under the same roof.

That August was our 4 year anniversary of our first date. My sister got married. To a guy she met 3 months earlier. That made it so that ALL four of my siblings had MET and MARRIED their spouses in less time than I knew him. Two of them already had kids. And one thing is, he kept telling me that he didn't want kids, that he didn't want to be a father. But he came to my sister's wedding with me...and we were the babysitters while the adults were in the ceremony (religious thing, we weren't allowed in). He was so cute with those kids. He's a kid himself. They just loved him, he had so much fun. I saw him with them and my heart just ached. Why wouldn't he want to be a father. Why didn't he want me.

It's like that line in When Harry Met Sally - when her ex gets married - and she says "all those years I thought, he never wanted to get married...but the truth is, he didn't want to marry ME". That's how I felt.

I saw my sister get married and I was so insanely jealous. Her husband is the nicest man in the world. He's a football coach at the high school, looks freakin hot!, has a great family, loves kids...he's perfect. He was so obviously in love with her everyone just knew it. I was happy for my sister but at the same time mad at myself. Here I was, dating a guy for 4 years, who never wanted to be with me. But I was too chicken to just get up and leave him.

I had just topped the 200 pound mark. My sister had to special-order my bridesmaid dress because they didn't make it in plus sizes. I looked like a freakin cow in those wedding photos. I took up more space than 3 of her skinny size-zero friends.

About a month later...

September 12, 2004. My latest actual suicide attempt. And this one was serious. I wasn't just trying to get attention or whatever the heck they tell me I was doing. I really wanted to die. The day before, I spent $200 bucks on dinner at a fancy restaurant, by myself, because I figured I'd never have to pay it back.

I took an entire box of Unisom - extra strength - chased it down with an entire bottle of 100 proof Vodka - AND sat in the garage with the car running. I was in there for over 4 hours before my boyfriend came home from work. But for some crazy reason...I was fine. He said the gas tank was empty. And our garage had an attic vent to cool it off. That probably saved me. I don't know. I never went to a doctor, I slept for about 12 hours straight and then just went back to normal. Went thru the motions. Continued to 'fake it' like nothing was wrong.

All this happened before I ever did anything to hurt him. I loved him, or at least I thought I did, but he never showed it back. There are soooo many times that I told myself to just leave him and move on but I never did.

It's like I'm so afraid of being alone that I'd rather be with him than be alone. Because I keep thinking, no one else would want me.

Two months later - November 2004 - was when I got pregnant. And long story short...I'm now married with a 2-1/2 year old daughter.

You want to know the craziest thing? This song - the Evanescense song - was also on the radio....in March 2006 when I was falling off the deep end with postpartum depression, and I drove myself to the UNI psych hospital. Yes. The same song. On the radio.

Freaky coincidence.

But you know the sad part? Part of me wishes that my car would have gone off that cliff. Part of me still wishes that the pills and the car running in the garage thing would have worked. Because that would mean it would all be over. And my daughter would never have existed. She wouldn't have to grow up with a crazy incompetent mother. I couldn't ruin her life. And no one else would be hurt by my actions, just me. But now I have her. And I love her, but in some ways I just feel like I don't deserve her. Someone else could do a better job. I'm a horrible mother.

This was all FOUR F*ING YEARS AGO!!! Why the hell couldn't I get help for this back then. Why the hell am I still with him. Why couldn't I get the guts up to leave him....in 2001...in 2003...in 2004. Why do I still pretend I love him. Maybe it's me...I'm just in denial....maybe I don't love HIM...not the other way around. I just don't know anymore.

<font color="#000088"> </font> <font color="#000088"> </font> wow !!!!!!razzleberry....man, you poor child. i have the same problem as far as songs, smells, places, and memories. I can still see my little dog's brown eyes when I had to have him put down. You haven't wasted your life because I needed to read your post on this very day. I know that I am not alone in the way I feel and it was such a strong message. Thanks for putting the words to that song in your post. I love it too, but have a hard time understanding some of the words. I'm glad you are still here in spite of your tries at not existing. There is no telling how many people whose life you saved by your story. Anyone who can write as well as you is not incompetent. ok? xxxooooPJ56

((((((((((((( Razzleberry ))))))))))))))

((((((((Razzleberry))))))))))))

Be good to yourself.

Wow, that same song gives me bad memories everytime I hear it too. That whole time period was really bad for me. Also any sad song that was on around late 2002 especially all the way until late 2005. One song (You have probably heard it is: TATU- all the things she said, is the worst for me. That song was on during late 2002-early 2003, and that was absolutely the worst and most depressing part of my life so far. Im a guy, but everytime I hear that song I stop thinking about whatever Im thinking about and automatically get depressed when I remember how bad I felt.

(((((((Razz)))))))

Don't give up Razz. I have faith in you.

You know, sometimes remembering stuff that far back reminds of how far we've come, or at the very least allows us to reinterpret it with the a more objective mind. I'm sorry that happened - I have a couple of songs like that too. I'd love for all the bad memories to be associated with Raffi songs or something, I don't ever even WANT to listen to them, but it's always a song I like.

*hug*

Wow I was just reading thru some of my old posts and I read this again, and seriously....why on earth am I married to him???!!

Then again, if I really did leave him so many years ago, my daughter would not exist. Maybe all this happened for a reason - so she could be born. She is an amazing little girl and I hope I can be a good mother to her.

(((((((((((((((((((Razzleberry)))))))))))))))))))))

You are a wonderful mum by the sounds of it. You have come all this way ..... please be strong and don't look back, gentle hugs if that's ok. Post natal depression is awful, i suffered twice ...I'd be glad to talk to you anytime.

sincerely, Jinnyann xoxoxoxoxoxoxo i still have guilt from post natal depression, just thought i'd let you know.