[nowheretorun]

i will be leaving my mothers soon. the darkness here is overbearing. hate to walk away and leave her this way but she is now only dragging me down to her level of depression. smiling is hard. i have no hope that her and i will ever work out our issues. this whole experience wouldnt have been going on so long if not for her handicap. i just cant take the darkness much longer. thanks for listening everyone.

(((((((((((((ntr))))))))))))))

you have been such a good son. You have your own life too, some people would never have done half of what you have. Good luck in whatever you decide to do, God be with you. I know it must be so hard not to feel guilty, but concentrate on all the good things you've achieved with her and know you have one your best.

Best wishes, Jinny xoxoxoxo

[Justgiving]

I understand because I have been where you are. It's not easy.

There is just so much you can do.

[nowheretorun]

ty for the support you've given me jinnyann with the uplifting poems and strong bright outlook that kept me going thru some of this, best wishes to you always

justgiving i am so sorry for you to have been in that place... it would be so much easier if she didnt have anger mixed in with her depression, ty for listening and best hopes for you also

[Lenny]

I always enjoy your posts nowheretorun and have pondered for some time your choice of a user name...you are wise and know that there are always choices.

You seem to be a man of many contrasts,,one who has felt things deeply and has been given the gifts of compassion vs cynicism for your trials...

I don't know your present situation and even if I did I wouldn't be able to completely empathize because the bonds of Mother and Son are made of feelings that only belong to them...

But like they say on the airplane...give yourself the oxygen first for only when you are breathing freely can you hope to save another...

Take care of you and the path to helping Mom will become clearer...

IMHO

Lenny

[nowheretorun]

thank you for your kind and caring words Lenny, i do find in them all the things you've said about me, compassion, wisdom....

its a long hard haul and we carry a heavy load sometimes and if we stumble there is no other choice than rise again....

dealing with all my many contrasts has been challenging but the grace of many has led me to my beliefs that only love will heal the emotional pain...

i pray and hope for you and all that the darkness never overwhelms you

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( nowheretorun )))))))))))))))

[nowheretorun]

((((((((fuzzybear)))))))) you matter so much hon

[pachyderm]

A very long time ago I more or less abandoned my mother. It was a matter of survival for me. I felt guilty but now I think it was for the best. It had to be done. There was no way at the time when I could have done anything better...

[nightbird]

Dear Nowheretorun,

It may be your time to make use of your experiences that brought you to this place in time, and create a home for yourself that reflects your personal values and style, that welcomes love. Is that what you are telling us?
How wonderful!

You deserve to be happy, NTR.
I can't tell myself enough how important this is to instill into our consciousness.

I once told my soon to be adult-child after leaving her father, that 'you WILL see me happy someday... and see that no matter what happens to us in this life, we can overcome it and create a better life. We won't be afraid to be happy.'

This little story means so much to me because I got to show those who cared for me and I loved very much - a total renewal in body and mind, and a meaningful, happier life for 10 years ... (until this crash - a setback I plan to overcome when I can move this boulder out of my way or learn how to climb over it, lol).

We help those who love us feel better when we improve our situations...
even the best hold-outs gain something.
Sometimes we have to leave what is toxic for what is life-affirming.

To Life, NTR!!!!!

the best always,
nightbird

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[puckyjan56]

I agree with everyone here and "good luck" your Mom will be ok........pj56...xxoo

[Fuzzybear]

[gimmeice]

(((((((((((((( nowheretorun )))))))))))))))))
You are such a caring, kind person and you deserve to be happy.

[DOWNINNATICK]

[nowheretorun]

aw pachy, i am sad to hear that you you also experienced some of the grief i am feeling, how you stated it is very succinct and truthful, it is a matter of survival for me also, its hard to say a final goodbye tho, i seem incapable of that one, so the cycle continues.. thanks for your kind words...

nightbird you've said exactly what i would want to say about this all, yes i do want to build a house of love and growth for myself, ty.. it matters so much that others can identify with me about this, you are right, i do want to affect my environment in a positive way and i can do that best by homing myself someplace positive for me, thanks again for your kind gracious words and blessings to you always, may you overcome the boulder in your life with the peace and dignity that surrounds you.. your story tells of overcoming and surviving and reaching brighter places in our lives, thank you for the inspiring words...

thank you pj56, its my deep belief that in the end we are all ok, me, you, everyone... its a struggle to get there sometimes, but we all deserve good happy lives dont we?

thank you gimmeice for all the good you do here for us at PC, the kind words and hugs do really matter so much, peace always be with you hon... may all your dreams come true

aw, DOWNINNATICK, it is a little upsetting as you can tell, i hope i didnt upset you too much, thank you for the hug and heart, thank you for caring.. i hope you are well tonight..

Nowheretorun

Sometimes walking away from the darkness is the hardest thing.
I have read your many posts here and know you have been a good
son. You have tryed your hardest to care for your mom..
Some kids never try. I think imo you gave it your all.

Know that on this earth you matter. Your peace and well being are very important.

I know you would never walk away unless it was too much,

you are a good person. Of course you know I am going to say you matter.
muffy

[nowheretorun]

aw (((muffy)))) you know you matter too, ty, i have tried again.. she is good for 6 month cycles, or maybe that is all i am good for with her, i dont know, i just know that 6 months on and 6 months off is whats worked for me best... shes mom, i can never totally give up

you are right again muffy, everyone on this earth matters, everyone is important, ty

[kebsfroggy]

We can only give so much of ourselves then to leave is the only option is for survival. With all the love and caring you have given your will always feel the guilt of “I should have done more”. However, now may be the time to turn and walk out the door. Your feelings for your mother will always remain but they will no longer rule your life as they do now.

No one should have to take verbal abuse from another, especially from another family member. The realization that she will not change has to hurt because she never reacts to the kindness you have shown her. You have given so much and received so little in exchange.

So my friend, open the door. Feel the warmth of the sun’s rays upon your skin. Take a deep breath of fresh air into your lungs. Open your eyes to the beauty and wonders around you. You have every right to feel good about yourself.

Take that first step on your journey towards the light. You have every right to live again.

(((((Nowhere)))))

[beth16]

((nowheretorun)) thinking of you... -beth

[jacq10]

(((((((((((nowheretorun)))))))))))
As hard as it is, we must take care of ourselves first. I am sorry to hear about your situation with your mother... but you need to do this for you. We need to do everything we can to keep that sunshine in our hearts and truth in our smiles. Don't lose hope yet, just take a little time away, some time to heal.
Much love

[nowheretorun]

((((Kebs))))))) (((Beth))))((Jacq)))))

thanks for being here you all, you matter so much, its so good to have friends in life, good friends who care and send good thoughts and hopes when needed, and even when not needed is good too isnt it? i hope you each had a great day, and if not good, then good enough.. i know we all struggle some days and if i have to struggle, you are the people i'd want around me to help me get thru... sending all my good wishes, hopes, prayers and huggy people to you, hope you smile...