[jmb221]

Hi all. My depression got so bad that I needed to take disability from work. I'm very, very fortunate in my health benefits that I can do this. It's one of the few good things about the job and it was most definately needed. So why do I feel like I'm taking advantage of my company? I mean, I feel like I should be working, even though the job greatly contributed to the depression and I literally couldn't function anymore at work (to the point where I completely lost it in front of clients). I wouldn't think twice about it if I broke an arm or had cancer or something, and I wouldn't begrudge anyone else who took disability due to depression. It's a physical, debilitating disease! Yet I feel like I should be in the office doing my job. Forget the fact that I'm not just sitting around doing nothing. I've been in therapy (sometimes twice a week), adjusting to new meds, and actively looking for a new job, which I have to say is one of the most tiring experiences I've ever had. Yet it just doesn't sit right to me. I feel like I'm holding myself to a different standard than I hold everyone else and I don't know why.

Has anyone felt this way? Anyone have a clue why I feel this way? Yes, I've talked about it in therapy, but I'm still stumped and I don't know what to do to stop doing this to myself. Anyone have a clue?

JMB

[alevin]

yes, i think I do,,,,

i still often dismiss myself as "not really being ill", and that it is a failure on my part not to have done this or that etc etc, and on and on,and on...!

also we live life forwards and think it backwards! , this IS true, but can make our looking back to "who we are now" ,sometimes far too critically,
Causality can seem like a clinical and cold state of affairs, but to see
ourselves in context of all that has been circumstantial, including the organism of brain and body as well , that takes us to these dark places, can soften this hard look at who we are,, we are so stuborn at giving ourselves a break!

i dunno if this might help you,,,,,,,

i have and will be thinking the same way as you still, but am slowly learning to be less hard on myself.....

i could maybe continue sometime else in more depth personally, but it is 2am here in Edinburgh,scotland, but wish you feeling better for now, jmb221,,

take care

alevin

[gimmeice]

(((((((((((( jmb221 )))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I hold myself to a much higher standard then what I hold others, I have been working with my T on not being so hard on myself. What I do is ask myself if I am being reasonable in my expectations of myself and then I remind myself that I am only human and not perfect. It seems to help me a little bit but it still doesn't take it away. I hope you find something that works well for you.

[BalishBun]

My anxiety got so bad i almost needed to take a sick leave basically. It would have been without pay, but I was very close to taking it regardless.