First post, but boy do I suck!

I've been following this forum for a while, but this is my first post. I'm just having a horrible month (or, more realistically...life). I have depression, which I know, and I also have recurrent pancreatitis, which, once it's gone and I have to pick up the pieces of my life, makes the depression worse. I just got over pancreatitis again about 2 months ago, and on my first day back at work, I found out I'm losing my job. I have until July 31 to find something or I'm out the door. No income, no medical insurance (without COBRA -- $300 a month), no 10 year anniversary at my job (in October), no nothing.

On top of that, I had to move back in with my mother about 3 years ago because of the pancreatitis and constant lack of money. I'm not sure what diagnosis she officially has, but there are no boundaries, she's constantly telling me how I'm taking advantage of her (even tho' I pay over half of the household expenses even on disability), and how I'm always antagonistic and disapproving. I know that you're only hearing my side, but she isn't in reality. These things aren't true, and they are just fanning the fuel of my depression. She thinks of no one but herself and how things affect her (like my possibly losing my job and whether or not I'll still be able to pay rent).

I had thought I would move out this summer, but now I'm faced with no job..... I'm trying not to be too big a burden on my friends, since I can see that some of them just don't really know how to react. I have been a cutter in the past, but I even tried that the other night with no relief. I can't sleep, I don't eat, I have no interest in anything. I have barely made it to work this week (late every day) and on Tuesday I went out and sat in my car for an hour and a half because I just couldn't function.

I have had several interviews, but now I haven't heard back from them. Also, I know that I'll get pancreatitis again (this past one was, like, number 12 in 14 years), so I know that this whole scenario will just repeat iself. I really think I just can't go on. I see the July 31 deadline like some big steel curtain closing down on my life. I don't enjoy anything any more and I can't seem to distract myself with anything either. Sleep would be a huge relief, but even when it comes, I am having all kinds of disturbing dreams.

Thanks for listening to me whine. I know there are so many people in the world dealing with way worse than me, and that makes me feel even more like the loser that I know I am.

((((((((((( kittymom )))))))))))
Welcome to PC and it's nice to meet you.
I don't think that you suck, you are just having a really hard time right now. I hope you find another job soon, I am sure that would help you a lot. Good luck job hunting.

Kittymom...i know from friends that pancretitis is very painful and can make you feel very sick. bless your heart about that and losing your job. your Mom is maybe feeling sorry for herself and you are the target. anyway, you don't suck and wel-come to a wonderful group here at PC. Everyone is always there to support and welcome. .....puckyjan56.........xxoo

Hi Kittymom. It's good to have you join us here; I recently joined, myself, and have found it to be very helpful in dark times.

First, you don't suck; you're in a difficult situation, and your response is no different than that of any other person who feels emotions. Don't beat yourself up for feeling down. That's a nasty vicious circle that I've been caught up in before.

Second, don't apolgize for posting because other people may be facing 'tougher' situations. Your feelings matter, your pain matters, especially here. This isn't the whose-got-the-worst-life Olympics, after all This is where you can come and express yourself freely, openly, and without fear of judgment.

Finally, if you're having problems with cutting, you should try posting on the self injury forum. I've had problems with that habit, myself, and there are a lot of people there who can relate to your struggles with SI.

Please take care of yourself, keep reaching out here, and we'll keep listening. We all care about you and what you're facing! Private message me if you want to talk a little more personally. Welcome!!

(((((((((Kittymom)))))))) [cyber hugs don't compare to real hugs, but they're the best we can do!]

Take care,



J

Hi Kittymom and welcome to PC. I can relate to some of the things you're going through (although not exactly), please don't feel bad that there are people worse off than you. I know it's easy to say and I feel that way too, but at the end of the day you are not happy and believing you do not have a 'right' to feel the way you do puts you in a vicious circle, everyone has feelings and different things affect people in different ways.
It's hard being ill, especially when it's 'on and off'. I think that's the one of the main reasons for my depression so I can sympathise with you. I've learnt to try and concentrate more on when I am (better/healthy?) and try and do more enjoyable things at those times.

I know it's hard, but the best thing to do is to try and do more things, even if it's just walks? If it's not too far maybe you can walk to work or cycle? I'm glad you've found PC, I've found it extremely helpful and supportive and I hope you do too.

I hope you do well with your interviews, Molly

Kittymom, first of all welcome! When I read posts like yours I just wish I could do or say something that might make a difference in your situation. So, for what it's worth here goes...Could you get a place of your own on your disability? If it were me I think that I'd be mostly concerned with finding a place where I could maybe eliminate as much of the stress and conflict from my life as possible and go from there. You may have had a tough go of it so far, but it can get better! The hardest thing is to believe that...

I will join the others in welcoming you to PC and the depression forum.

I'm kebsfroggy, the frog of little brain. You will understand the little brain part the longer you are here.

You are going through a terrible time, I can deduce that from your post. I wish I better understood your situation.

Those of us here in our little group often talk of feeling as though we are walking around with a large bull's eye plastered on our back. I think you are feeling that way about now.

Please keep in touch with us. And no you do not suck. . . .
that is reserved for those who have been here awhile.

Don't be so hard of yourself. ((( kittymom )))

Thank you all so much! This definitely seems like a nice and caring group. Unfortunately, my mood is getting darker and darker, so I may end up in the hospital (which I really see as just making things worse, or postponing the inevitable, depending on how you look at it).

I really appreciate the support and kind words from people who understand! It seems like a lot of the people in my life right now just don't want to know what's really going on.

(((((((kittymom))))))))

It really hurts not to be understood by those in your life. My dad has never understood me and now he's all I have as for family... I had to pretend I have allergies no more than 20 minutes ago so that he wouldn't yell at me for crying about today being the third anniversary of my mom's passing.

We're here for you and we'll try our best to understand.

Please stay safe, and do what you need to to keep yourself that way.



J