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Old Nov 18, 2004, 05:49 PM
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OK. So, this is what kind of nutjob I am, OK?

I started my first day of partial hospitalization today. I was inpatient for 3 days in February, then did partial 4 more days.

That was February. This is November. I walk in the door. 5 people, therapists and the secretary and the nurse and whatnot, are clustered around the secretary's desk. All 5 of them look at me and go, "HI! I remember you!!"

LOL I must have been crazier back then than I even felt, to stand out that much!

The best part of today was the free breakfast and lunch ;-). Therapy-wise, it was pretty damn useless. It seems that I'm one of the saner people in the group, not to mention one of the only reasonably educated ones (apparently lots of high school dropouts have psych problems), so that made it interesting trying to figure out how to interact with people as well. And of course, we have a rainbow of differing diagnoses: There's a couple EXTREMELY bipolar, a couple depressed and anxious like me, and at least one schizo. Never know what's coming at any given minute!

The one thing groups like this always remind me of is that I could NEVER be a therapist. Ever. I think they earn the hard way every penny they make!

Anyway, that's that, and I'm in for a week. Wish me luck. OMG, what a day

Candy
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  #2  
Old Nov 18, 2004, 05:56 PM
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You are NOT a nut job Candy!

It isn't unusual for psych wards with long term staff to remember patients from within a year to a couple years down the line. I think it shows that they are attentive and aware of the patients. Kinda seems good to me.

Free food always good! OMG, what a day

Don't knock the therapy part of it based on day one dear. Give it a go. You've summarized the group and that sounds like a challenging bunch to work with. I'm willing to bet you can and will learn a lot during this week.

Try to be open to it sweetie.

Luck in droves for ya!! (((Candy)))
So glad you are in this care. Please continue reaching out and expressing yourself as it most likely will help.
  #3  
Old Nov 19, 2004, 11:23 AM
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Hi (((((((Candy))))))),

I hope you have a better day today!!!

I can empathize with you.

I have been hospitalized twice but never as a partial hospitalization but I have entered an outpatient program at a hospital, which is probably similar. It's where you go during the day for intensive group therapy, visit with a therapist, and a psychiatrist. Then you get to go home.

I know what you mean by "a rainbow of differing diagnoses." I experienced the same thing. I wish that they would have had different sessions for different dx.

What type of therapy are you getting? I received Cognitive Behavior Therapy.

Candy, it gets better. Just hang in there!

droopy

P.S. Thanks for all the wonderful posts you have sent my way. Being new here, it means a lot to me!!!
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  #4  
Old Nov 19, 2004, 11:34 AM
Taipans Taipans is offline
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Saying "Hello I remember you" is alot better then all of them running for cover... =)

Good Luck with your session!
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Old Nov 19, 2004, 11:51 AM
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I did the partial thing about two years ago. I absolutely HATED IT!!!!!! My P-doc thought it would be a good idea after my in-patient hospitalization, because he did not feel I was quite ready to return to my real life, but I wasn't suicidal any more either, so staying as an inpatient wasn't an option either.
Around here, you have to go almost an hour away for inpatient, and 3 hours away for partial. When I went to partial, they put me up in a hospitality house, so at least I didn't have to drive back and forth every day.

The problem with partial...I was fresh out of the hospital, not totally stable, and they plop me into a strange town, with strange people, and not enough strength emotionally to reach out. It was horrible at night, and I usually found myself wandering around the mall, feeling horrible. The doctor there, was not my "Doctor Hottie", He actually reminded me of the man that molested me as a child. I just was not for me I guess, and I got out of it as soon as I could trick them into saying I was healthy enough to face the real world. Yes I have learned how to trick them into believing that I am stable!
The next time I was asked about partial, I told the doctor of my experiance, and he has never brought it up again.
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Old Nov 19, 2004, 12:50 PM
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Candybear,
I hope that the therapy is going well for you. I can understand that it can be weird to be in group therapy and not have anyone that you can relate to. I think that it can be harder to talk in that kind of setting. Just give it time and a open mind. You never know what you might get out of it.
O by the way...you are not a nut job!!

Jessica
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Old Nov 19, 2004, 06:15 PM
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Oh goody, Day 2.

Day 2 was a f'in disaster from start to finish. I walk in about 8:15, things start at 9 but they give you a voucher to go eat breakfast first. Free food always works well for me. OMG, what a day

I come back from breakfast to discover that my pdoc has ordered some bloodwork and a urinalysis. I was TOLD that he would check my desipramine levels, because that med seems to have been problematic for me lately. As I'm walking down to the lab, I'm reading the work order. He's also testing me for cocaine, alcohol, and I forget what else, which offended the hell out of me -- never done street drugs, and I'm not ALL that interested in dying, so being on a benzo for anxiety, I don't drink. Then there was a "complete metabolic panel," a thyroid test, and something else, I forget what.

Heeeeey, thanks for clueing me in, doc! Worst part is, my insurance company probably won't pay for any of it. I had a physical when I was inpatient, which took all of 10 minutes, and they charged almost $300!

So anyway, then the first group of the day begins. I am on every therapist's radar screen because I keep putting "10" on a 1-10 scale for "urge to harm self." I am in this place to begin with because -- well, never mind because, it might trigger somebody. Let's say I had progressed to some particularly scary self-injurious behavior. I still want to do it. They can't deal with that.

The members of this group are all 50+. One guy is ****80*****. I am 39. The therapists are 50+, and the secretary and student intern are at a minimum 15 years younger than me. I have zero peer support.

After check-in group, we get a lecture on "the disease process," and why we all have illnesses instead of just weak characters. The illiterate guy has PTSD, and brings it up. Soooo, we start talking about PTSD. In detail. Guess what? I have PTSD. Off Candy goes to Trigger-Land. Then I get so anxious I can barely breathe. Guess what? Left the f'in Klonopin at home. Ooops! Lot of good it does me there!

So I'm off in flashback land, anxious as hell, and we're going on and on about all this.

Lunch rolls around. Lunch is fine, no problems. When we come back, since there are 12 of us, they split us up into two groups. One does "goal group," where you write down a few goals you are hoping to accomplish before tomorrow, and then in the morning you have to write how successful you were at accomplishing them and sign the sheet. Everyone has to read their goals out loud so the therapist can write them down and people can comment on them if they like.

The illiterate guy can't write, but he can sure talk. He likes to cook. He REALLY likes to cook. So we have a recipe hour. He's a Vietnam vet, so we talk about Vietnam experiences for a while. The really manic-phase bipolar guy, who has to comment on everything everybody says, at great length, starts going on about a craft fair out at the state fair grounds this weekend.

This is a 90-minute group. Out of 6 people, I am the last to go. We get to me at ..... minute 87.

So THEN I'm pissed off about the waste of time. Oh, the 80-year-old joined a senior center, so he had to tell everyone he met today at least 3 times that he joined a senior center.

Then the groups switch, and my group goes to "process group," a cutesy name for "group therapy." Everybody has to bring up an issue to bat around. Since the same therapist has run our group both days, she starts off asking about the stuff we brought up yesterday. I fill her in on that. Anything else, she says? Yes, I say, I'm having a really crappy day. What I didn't get to say is, it's pouring outside, freezing, this is costing my insurance company $650 a day and it's f'ing wasting my time, I want to cut, and I'm nearly suicidal from all the triggers today.

I didn't get any farther than "I'm having a crappy day." So we talked about being triggered by the PTSD lecture, and how the only way to get rid of PTSD is to talk about it, and oh BTW, I talked to your therapist today, what a wonderful guy, and then says "I hope you don't mind my bringing this up" and before I can even ask what it is I might mind, she spills it. In front of the whole f'ing group. It is something that I do NOT want particularly publicized.

Sigh.

Worst part? Gotta go back tomorrow.

I'm going to go take a nap now. It's the least harmful thing I can think of to do. Thanks for letting me vent.

Candy
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Old Nov 20, 2004, 08:02 AM
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OMG, what a day You made me laugh, Taipans, but you certainly have a point! OMG, what a day

Candy
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  #9  
Old Nov 20, 2004, 08:05 AM
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Droopy, it sounds like we went/are going through much the same thing.

CBT does NOT work on me and is most of the reason I switched Ts. My old T didn't seem to know anything else, and insisted on using it straight from the stupid book ("Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy") even after it was painfully clear I was getting nothing out of it. I don't really know what to call what they're doing with us in this stupid program, besides stupid.

As for the posts -- I'm just passing it on. A few people here were very kind to me when I was new (Ozzie, paging Ozzie, Ozzie to the front of the line, please OMG, what a day ).

Time to go jump in the shower and face day 3. Sigh.

Candy
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Old Nov 20, 2004, 10:01 AM
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oh Candy, may this experience be brief and may you get some tidbit of good from it. Peace to your heart.
  #11  
Old Nov 20, 2004, 04:51 PM
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OK. Day 3 begins with some lyrics from a song by my favorite completely unknown singer/songwriter, Matt Nathanson. This is the beginning of a summation of Day 3.
==
I'm ready to embrace this, I am
I'm ready for repair
I've got so many layers left by amateur painters who covered
over what was there
I stuffed myself sick on your memory
and the beautiful mess that we'd made
But I'm so tired
of being inspired only when things
slip away

They told me time would strip it all free and leave me bone
dry
They told me time would strip it all free but I'm no better than
when I left here the first time

I'm ready to erase this, I am
I'm ready to begin
Spent myself trying to change all of the beauty we'd made
just to want it all back again
And with the clouds moving in, this hardly looks like the same
moon
And with the leaves all gone the trees that once stood strong
now look pinched and cruel

They told me time would strip it all free and leave me bone
dry
They told me time would strip it all free but I'm no better than
when I left here the first time
========
This is what I get out of this experience so far, having been through it once before.

Fortunately, it was gray and cold today, so I wasn't too pissed off about having to spend 7 hours in a psych hospital, in therapy. The "weekend crew" (aka, the ones who aren't good enough to be A-team) was in, so pretty much all new faces save 1.

As for the loonies, there were only 5 of us, group is usually 12-13. The horribly talkative manic guy wasn't there, just the really oh-god-feed-the-S.O.B.-some-lithium-PLEASE guy, so that helped. The illiterate guy who likes recipe hour in place of therapy wasn't there either. We actually got some things accomplished -- imagine that!

And that's actually the bad part. Therapist I hadn't seen before had "process group" (everybody else calls it group therapy) today. The f'ing bee-otch made me CRY. Not just a little tear rolling down my cheek, but big huge wracking sobs. IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY.

GOD I hate that.

Last time I was in, one of the therapists who is in during the week was on vacation, so they brought a guy over from inpatient for 90 minutes a day to run process group. S.O.B. made me cry every single day. How do they do it?!

They make us fill out these "check-in" sheets in the morning to rate our symptoms. I think they should make us fill them out at the end instead. If I have enough coffee in me by the time I get there, I'm not feeling too bad. By the time the day is over, I'm nearly suicidal and ready to slice off body parts with sharp objects. It just sucks.

So, no real weirdos today except for manic boy, who used his time in group therapy to talk about feeling homicidal, and nothing funny to comment on -- I'm wrung out. I'm going to go take an extra Risperdal to calm down because I am f'ing SICK of nurses stopping me on my way to the bathroom or something and saying "What are you doing to stay safe?" I have to swear to them I won't cut between 3:30 p.m. and 8 a.m. After they whip me up into a frenzy by the end of the day, they have to know what they're asking!

What can I say -- it all sucks. I'm going shopping. A little retail therapy, a little atypical antipsychotic -- life can indeed be good. OMG, what a day

Candy
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Old Nov 22, 2004, 06:01 PM
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Day 4 in Nutjob-Land:

I had the worst day yesterday (you can read about it on the SI board if you like, I don't want to repeat it!). I finally went to bed around 8:30 just because it was the only escape I could think of that wasn't harmful. I missed the whole second half of the Packers game because of it! So you KNOW I had to be in bad shape. OMG, what a day

This morning I walked into one of the classrooms in the hospital, filled out my little symptom rating sheet, went and ate breakfast, came back, and put my head down for a few minutes, because I just really still felt like crap and didn't want to be there and just wanted to concentrate on feeling like crap. The other girl who spent half of Saturday's session crying came in, asked if I was OK, and said she'd thought about it all weekend too.

In fact, everybody who was there Saturday who came in said how bad they had felt for both of us. So I wasn't just overreacting.

Somewhere in there, the secretary for my regular pdoc called, returning a message I'd left her. I was supposed to have an appointment with him today, but my case manager told me she'd canceled it because the insurance wouldn't pay for two services at once. Laura thought that sounded funny, so SHE called the insurance company, and they said sure, no problem. The only thing is that I couldn't see two of the same flavor of personnel on the same day, like two psychiatrists. She didn't know I was working with somebody in-house, so as it turned out, I did have to cancel the appointment with my regular guy, who takes much more of an interest in me than Inpatient Boy and whom I am dearly missing.

Inpatient Boy showed up about 2:30, said my labwork was all fine, sorry you had a lousy weekend, what are you doing for Thanksgiving (I lied -- I'm actually doing nothing), and oh by the way, I'm upping two of your meds. Of course. At a $30 copay a pop. Argh. Just because THEY make $150 an hour, I guess they think the rest of us do. Hell, for 15 minutes a day with me (if that), he bills $150! Wouldn't you love a job where you made TEN BUCKS A MINUTE?!?! I certainly would!

Other than that, nothing unusual. The Manic Twins were there, being their usual a-holish selves. The same therapist who allowed Recipe Hour to happen the other day again used almost the entire damn time chatting about this and that, and almost nothing involving actual therapy. Although the guy who liked to share the recipes got discharged today.

OH! I discovered at breakfast that I knew one guy's wife! Small world. I'm going to have to email her -- "Hi, I'm in the nuthouse with your husband!" LOL I had a temp job in her office for about 6 months while I was looking for fulltime work. Too funny.

No hints yet as to when I get the hell outta there. I am actually more depressed all day there than I am at home, so maybe for $650 a day I should have just laid around here and felt bad for free. I think my insurance runs out a week from today, but I bet I'm outta there Friday. We'll see.

I'm sure there will be more fun tomorrow.

Candy
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Old Nov 23, 2004, 05:51 PM
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Day 5 in Nutjob-Land: OMG you guys, I am so f'ing pissed I can't see straight. This was the worst day yet in terms of uselessness.

Last time I went through this program: 1) I got a HELL of a lot more out of it and 2) my pdoc saw me daily. Of course, I was just coming out of inpatient, but still.

This time: I am getting a BIG FAT HONKIN ZERO out of it, and my pdoc finds 5 minutes for me every other day.

I am sick of the same people monopolizing every conversation and group. They always get to me last, and I'm the one who always ends up with 30 seconds to talk, because everybody else took so f'ing long and no limits were set -- even a gentle "we need to move along now." Nobody gives a damn about the larger issues that brought me there, they're all fixated on the fight I had with my boss. It CONTRIBUTED to my current state. It is not the CAUSE of my current state. But they're all treating it like it is. I am f'ing sick and tired of talking about my f'ing boss! It was a month ago! I don't give a damn anymore!

What a horrible waste of time and money.

&lt;/rant&gt;

Now, with the venting over, I can move on to the shouldn't-be-amusing-but-kinda-is stuff ;-).

The ruder, cruder and more obnoxious of The Manic Twins was at his rudest and crudest this morning. He would make obnoxious comments at inappropriate times, get up and go smoke whenever he felt like and stay out as long as he liked, and spent his time in check-in group talking about being homicidal. Everybody, including all the Ts, hate the guy's guts and can't figure out what he's doing there if he isn't willing to do any work.

There's a child/adolescent unit in this hospital. They're usually wrapping up lunch around the time we get there. Obnoxious Boy got in a fight with one of the teens! He was promptly escorted out of the cafeteria by security, and later out of the facility by police. I assume that's the last we'll see of him, which is a tremendous relief. But it certainly brought some excitement to the day!

The other thing kind of makes me feel sorry for the guy, but you gotta wonder how he functions. We were watching a video in one group this morning when a new addition joined the group. Stopped the video, introduced everybody, went back to video. Not 5 minutes into it, he made a beeline for the bathroom.

I swear to god, this guy puked his guts out for 2 or 3 hours. I am not kidding. All the way through the video and break, all the way through the art therapy group (which is actually the only thing I've enjoyed so far) and break, and he was still going at it when we left for lunch.

Really evil case of the flu that he should have stayed home with? Nope. Nerves, according to the Ts. He can't handle large groups (there are like 8 of us now).

Can you imagine not being able to function around more than one person at a time? How the hell does this guy survive in the world? He owns his own business!! He MUST have employees. Good grief.

Anyway, that was the end of him. In the middle of group therapy (another one where I got 2 minutes to talk about bullsh*t because they think that's all I'm there for), another new addition arrived. We finished group and then the T asked him to introduce himself. Turns out he thought his wife was trying to kill him, etc. This now makes TWO paranoid schizos in the group. I'm beginning to think I'm normal.

Yesterday my pdoc upped one of my meds and is thinking about upping a second. I just want my regular support team back. I want my own pdoc (Inpatient Boy looks after my pdoc's inpatients because my pdoc doesn't do inpatient). I want my own T. I want people who give a damn about me, and know how to properly structure available time. In other words, I want OUT.

Can you guess what my rating on "anger and irritability" will be tomorrow morning? ;-) I had a pretty bad case of road rage on the way home too. Didn't do more than toss a couple dozen F-bombs, but still.

I found a piece of glass I hadn't seen before behind the door, and I'm dying to go use it.

ARGH.

Candy
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Old Nov 24, 2004, 06:51 PM
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Day 6 in Nutjob-Land:

As Frasier Crane would say ... oh dear God.

We got even MORE bipolars today. UNMEDICATED bipolars. Or BADLY medicated bipolars. I have never known one, so I had no idea how challenging a diagnosis it is -- both for the person suffering it and the people suffering the person suffering with it. OMG, what a day Eek.

It was a fairly calm day. My inpatient pdoc came to see me, looked through my chart and said, "I really wish you were doing better." This, to me, does not sound promising. Although I suppose it's good he picks up on the fact that I feel like crap. My last day is supposed to be Monday, unless I can get my case manager to convince the insurance company I need two weeks of "intensive outpatient" therapy (same program, half days, 3 days a week). It's been pretty much one nightmare after another at this place, but I don't feel ready to leave. Some of my symptoms are actually going DOWN for once -- the self-injury stuff is going down some -- but the general depressive signs are actually going UP.

In goals group we got a little handout explaining depression triggers and coping skills. The categories were designed to spell out "empowers." We read them, and then had to pick one that bothered us the most and explain how we got it and why. I had a very interesting experience. I chose as my trigger "pain as punishment." That's what I do when I cut. When I cut, I'm angry at myself for doing something stupid (in my eyes), or angry for not doing something I think I should have done, or just in general angry. The T asked why that was.

I told them that in my house, screaming at the top of their lungs was standard mode of communication for my parents, but I wasn't allowed to open my mouth or I paid the consequences. Someone asked, "but what about when you were older, maybe high school age?" I said that by the time I was in high school, I was having to get in between my parents because they would hold knives against each other's throats while they screamed at each other (true story).

You should have seen the looks and heard the gasps. It blew me away! I guess I don't see how disordered it must have sounded, because that's just the way it was. I didn't know anything different. Nevertheless, that would pretty much be the reason I have trouble expressing anger. OMG, what a day I would say it was nice to have validation, but I guess I never thought of it as "abnormal."

In group therapy, the new chick told about her abuse by her stepfather. It was the same kind of abuse that I got from my mother, so I spent the entire fricking 75 minutes in Deep Trigger-Land. Ugh.

Tomorrow I am doing absolutely nothing, and I am really excited to be away from these people! OMG, what a day

Candy
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Old Nov 27, 2004, 01:34 PM
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Myzen Myzen is offline
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</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Day 6 in Nutjob-Land:

I told them that in my house, screaming at the top of their lungs was standard mode of communication for my parents, but I wasn't allowed to open my mouth or I paid the consequences. Someone asked, "but what about when you were older, maybe high school age?" I said that by the time I was in high school, I was having to get in between my parents because they would hold knives against each other's throats while they screamed at each other (true story).

You should have seen the looks and heard the gasps. It blew me away! I guess I don't see how disordered it must have sounded, because that's just the way it was.
Candy

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Hi Candy,

I have been working on this issue on a different thread. I know about it first hand, sadly.

It's no good for any young person to get soaked in an atmosphere of hate. We try to normalise it with all sorts of strategies but I think that the doors only open for us when we come to know, deep down, that it was all wrong and that it was NOT OUR FAULT. We are not responsible for the actions of our parents, we have to get through to this understanding, not just intellectually, but deep down inside.

Good thoughts to you,

Myzen, OMG, what a day
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Old Nov 27, 2004, 01:39 PM
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lenjan lenjan is offline
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That's exactly the place I can't get to, Myzen, but I've been trying like hell.

Day 7 in Nutjob-Land was pretty tame -- 3 people "graduated," and several continue to come and go. The groups continue to be run badly. My in-house psychiatrist continues to spend all his money on clothes, I think -- he's dressed to the teeth every day (and he's straight!), but he only drives a VW Bug. Never met a straight man who was a clotheshorse before.

My insurance runs out Monday, unless they can get me some more time. I am SO not ready to go back to work. Oh well.....

Candy
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Old Nov 27, 2004, 08:20 PM
cms39 cms39 is offline
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Candy,

"Day hospital" as I call it can be SO good and even fun. I remember when I was in a program like that. There were people that weren't anything like me, but the therapists pointed out to me privately that just because I was in there didn't mean they thought I was as "bad" as they were, so to speak. When I think about day hospital, I feel really happy. There was art therapy and we played pictionary. Gosh, I must need more fun in my life now! Enjoy it.
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Old Nov 27, 2004, 08:26 PM
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Yeah, the last time I was in the day program, in February, it was great and I got a ton out of it. This time has been a complete waste of time. But I get to see a psychiatrist every couple days, so I put up with it. I'd just as soon hang out there as long as I can, seeing him, till I can manage a reasonable appointment to see my regular pdoc (trying to hang on till Dec. 20 is going to be a challenge!).

Also, I just don't want to go back to work. I wonder if I could live on short-term disability.

Candy
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Old Nov 29, 2004, 10:08 AM
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</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Yeah, the last time I was in the day program, in February, it was great and I got a ton out of it. This time has been a complete waste of time. But I get to see a psychiatrist every couple days, so I put up with it. I'd just as soon hang out there as long as I can, seeing him, till I can manage a reasonable appointment to see my regular pdoc (trying to hang on till Dec. 20 is going to be a challenge!).

Also, I just don't want to go back to work. I wonder if I could live on short-term disability.

Candy

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Hi Candy,

I was wondering about your job. When I dropped my teaching job (around the same time as dropping the PhD and my father dying) my regular doctor took one look at me and set me up on disability. I went to an interview with some other doctors and they were very kind. I must have looked pretty sick at that time. It was a big relief, and the adjustment wasn't too bad.

I have had a lot of free time since then, wandering round parks and keeping to myself, and then recently just in the last year, things have come slowly right again. As I said before, I have had a seven year stint of the bad stuff.

From reading the posts here, it sounds like it's harder to be ill in the US. We get some decent help in the UK and we don't have to pay for medicines if we are on disability.

I am back in part time work now, but you never know. My tentative advice is that the job may have been triggering you, but don't quote me, it's only a thought. We just do what we can to keep as well as we can.

Cheers, Myzen OMG, what a day
  #20  
Old Nov 29, 2004, 02:11 PM
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Wants2Fly Wants2Fly is offline
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Location: Southeast Florida
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Hello Candy m'dear --

I've caught up on this thread all at once, and the topic line expresses my response. You write very, very well, and your observational powers are wonderful, too.

Here are a few things I noticed -- and plz realize that every single thing here comes directly from *my* issues -- and may have nothing or only very little relevance to yours.

1. I understand not being able to express my anger effectively in 3D. You are doing a grandly effective job expressing it here, in writing, via your acute observations and humorous sarcasm. And that's good -- you at least have found one outlet for all that energy.

2. Is there any way for you to hijack the group sessions back the way you want them to go? Even if it means handing a note to the therapist, expressing that s/he broke a confidence by bringing up something in group that you considered private, or by spending too much time on recipes, etc. Yup, I hate that, too. I think it's part of the journalist's focus. We do not have time to waste in interviews on long irrelevant sidetracks. We learn to get the information in a short time span. Whilst others meander through communication.

3. My T is working with me on all the subtle ways I self-talk and put myself down. The self put-downs are not so subtle here, though. Describing yourself as a nut job, and the oblique description of others in the group as nut jobs -- so that the inference is negative toward yourself.

You are not a nut job, CandyBear, and we love you here. I am inclined to believe that we here are both sensitive and very injured, usually by things in our childhoods -- such as those that happened to you -- and me. And we sensitive souls seem to suffer more than those who can let the bad roll off their backs.

That doesn't make us "less than" others. Sometimes -- in my best moments -- I feel sorry for those who are unable to experience the agony and the pathos of life. Life is a little less rich for them. Sometimes I envy them, and wish I could be like that, too. But mostly, I think they are missing out on parts of what it means to be human.

I hope you will be able to find something worth having in the groups. If only a bunch of wild and crazy characters to weave into your own One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.

You have been a wonderful online friend to me, Candy, and I am so sorry that you are in this dark place. I hope you will continue to share with us, and enjoy shopping therapy or whatever helps you feel a little better, and that things will start getting better for you.

You are brave to keep on keeping on.

<font color="blue">((((((((((((((((((((((</font><font color="pink">Candy</font><font color="blue">)))))))))))))))))))))
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OMG, what a day
  #21  
Old Nov 29, 2004, 02:14 PM
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Wants2Fly Wants2Fly is offline
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Location: Southeast Florida
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Dear Candy -- I think Myzen may be onto something here. Even though you discount the job as a "cause," it has been a really bad thing for you -- perhaps a trigger as Myzen says -- perhaps worth considering in or out of group -- just a thought. I know I am very affected by my work environment -- and not just the outward things that are said or done -- I am very affected once a bad energy sets in -- such as just before a management takeover or administrative change -- these energy patterns can really affect those of us who are sensitive -- just a thought
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OMG, what a day
  #22  
Old Nov 29, 2004, 06:22 PM
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lenjan lenjan is offline
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Member Since: Apr 2004
Location: Milky Way galaxy
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Day 8 in Nutjob-Land:
Insurance wouldn't authorize a damn thing past today, I'm all out o' dough. So, even though nobody thinks I'm ready to leave, I'm gone. Just got home about an hour ago.

There's some good news, but it's going to take a minute to set up. OMG, what a day

Yesterday, I went to work. I picked Sunday because people often come in on Saturday, but not usually on Sunday. I had some things on my work computer that I had to email to myself at home, and also I just wanted to see what had piled up in my absence.

Well, there was a huge stack of stuff in my inbox that I *KNOW* my boss hasn't touched -- it's all stuff for the calendar section I maintain, that she's supposed to be doing in my absence. So that was one thing.

But the other, I need help with.

Milwaukee has become home to several thousand Somali Bantu refugees. A few parishes in the area have sponsored families. This story has been on the schedule, with no firm date for publication, for MONTHS. My boss keeps pushing it back, and every time she pushes it back, she adds things to it to make it more involved and time consuming.

Well, laying on my desk was a photocopy of an article from one of the suburban papers -- on this very subject -- going into exactly the sort of detail she wanted me to go into.

Somebody please tell me: Is this just for my information, or does it strike anybody as a little passive-aggressive?

Anyway, I got a little upset, and I cut, and this morning I had to fess up to 32 therapists, a nurse, and my pdoc. Pdoc was warned first by a therapist, so I wasn't telling him the information fresh.

He proceeded to say the most beautiful words I may have ever heard:

"You're not ready to go back to work."

So, courtesy of the very well-dressed yet low-key Dr. Temme, I have a 2-week vacation, starting tomorrow.

Can I just say..... YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-HA!

I haven't mentioned this to my boss yet......maybe she'll fire me and I can get unemployment for a while while I look for a better job.

I haven't decided yet quite what to DO with my time off, but I think there is indeed something to the idea of "job as trigger" and I guess one thing to do might be to start looking for a new one.

Anyway, that's the end of this round of travails in Nutjob-Land. They tried to convince me while I was there that a 9-month stint between visits was actually spectacularly good. I dunno about that, but I'm sure I'll be back at some point. Sigh.

Candy
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  #23  
Old Nov 29, 2004, 07:00 PM
wisewoman wisewoman is offline
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Member Since: May 2004
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oh Candy, I hope we are not nut jobs hon. as for your vacation, good deal. I was non-functional, depressed and perhaps a little psychotic at the worst of my latest depression before I took time from work. I took a leave of absence which I am allowed to do via the family leave act. I needed it and my work place was very supportive. Do what you need to hon. A new job, short term disability, whatever. The job is only a fraction of your life. Good luck. I AM NOT A NUT JOB AND I DOUBT YOU ARE EITHER
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