Not Stable

Ever since June, my motivation to do things has been very sporadic, esp. where it concerns working.

I can't seem to stick with anything and make it work. I don't know if my BPD is getting out of hand or what it is. Since June I have held 3 different jobs. It's not that they don't interest me, it's just after awhile I have to force myself to get up and go.

I have no energy at all. I know my depression and anxiety levels have increased greatly. My meds have been upped and kicked in. This frame of mind is simply aggravating my condition, yet I can't seem to change it.

I go job hunting like crazy.......get interviews......get job. All excited, do well, and then blam! I can't stand it anymore and have no desire to even get dressed and go, so I end up quitting.

I can't calm the sounds in my mind enough to sleep until days have gone by - and then it's a matter of simply crashing and sleeping straight through. Then it starts all over again. Trazadone is coming next month (insurance kicks in then) and maybe that will help with that problem.

I'm more worried about my state of mind. I feel like a tightrope walker over this black pit. The problem is I'm not trying that hard to stay on the wire.

Maybe I'm missing something. I know I need my hospital respite time, badly. Any thoughts to help me work through this?

Thanks for reading my mumblings.

((((((((((((((((((((Mary Alice))))))))))))))))))))

(Looks like it is just you and me here today hun ...)

((((((((((((Mary Alice)))))))))))...

Most of the time I have some encouring words to say my darling, but today all I can say is can I join you but come down off that "tightrope" I hate hieghts.. and i would not want us both to fall and break our kneck if we have a "panick attack" ....
I love you and I do understand what you are goind through.
The only thing that I can say is keep yoru head up and some day things will get better.. I know you have probaly heard that before, but not from me....

your dragon will fil everyone in in a post today what has been going on..
It will ramble trust me ..

<font color="blue">(((((((((((((((((Mary Alice))))))))))))))))))))</font>

Nothing like the "most wonderful time of the year" to get people down. I empathize with those dark feelings of the yawning pit beneath. There are not enough metaphors in our language to describe that horror.

Mary Alice, please give yourself some credit, some pats on the back, some hugs for the inner child, for accomplishing all that you have. I've been looking for employment since January -- and I haven't had a single job offer. Freelance and adjunct teaching work is starting to come to me, but not one single f/t job. <font color="red">And you've landed three jobs!!!!!</font>

Do you see how amazing &amp; incredible that is? And, in order to land those 3 jobs, you had to go thru all the bs of looking for work, which is enough to make the most heartfelt optimist become miserably depressed.

As one of my retired friends said recently, "Yup. Work sucks."

I doubt that it's your fault that you quickly burn out on these jobs. The US work environment has gotten worse and worse during the 30-odd years I've been employed. Employers have less and less respect and kindness for workers. It's all about efficiency and making the small business owner or the corporate investors and board of directors richer and richer. What is there to like about this?

Of course, they sell us on all the opportunities there will be -- and it's always great to feel as if we have a fresh start on a brand new life. Then the reality of the work environment sets in.

You are doing fine for where you are, Mary Alice. You are in there slugging, one step forward, and one more and one more, no matter how hard the going is.

I hope you will give yourself some credit for all of this.

Luv to you, babe -- Wants2

(((((Mary Alice)))))
I feel right there with you. Jobs=burnout for me lately. Please try not to be hard on yourself. People obviously just love to hire you. Maybe you will eventually find a job that you really enjoy...actually I know that you will. Just give it time.

Jessica

{{{{{{{{{{Fuzzy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Not the best place to be, is it? I'm glad I'm not here all alone - thanks.

{{{{{{{{Jill}}}}}}}}}}}}

As always, I love seeing you around.

Thanks for the hugs.

xoxo

{{{{{Trish}}}}}}}

I know you've been going through some sort of your own private h*ll, and I'm sorry that I haven't been more available to you. You know you can always call, and if you tell me "I need to talk", no matter what I'm doing, I'll call you back.

I just seem submerged in this quiksand of blahness. It's tiring to get out and a pain to stay in.

Thank you for caring. xoxoxoxoxo

{{{{{{{{{Wants2}}}}}}}}}}}}

You have no idea how much reading your reply meant to me. You are correct, I should be glad that I have had those jobs offered to me in this economy. It is hard to get employment out there, even though it is the holiday season.

Maybe I'm getting lazy, I don't know. I send my resumes out daily and check the internet zealously. All looking for that salaried job that will pay enough to get by - yet I'm sinking. My car payment is due tomorrow.........and there's no money for them to take.

I just know that my back and legs can't handle two jobs, and the ones that are offered to me, won't work on their own. But I'm hanging in there.

I am also preparing for a hospital stay. My depression and anxiety provoked me buying new blades - the old one was dull. I put in an emergency visit today to my T, my pdoc wasn't in. We talked, but there just isn't the same level of understanding with him.

My legs and back have been better since I've been home. My son is thrilled that "mom" is around. I will just keep trying though - the alternative is not a pleasant thought.

Thank you for your kind, caring words. They made me feel better that people have wanted to hire me - maybe (just maybe) I have some worthwhile talent.

{{{{{{{{{Jessica}}}}}}}}}}}}

I love your optimistic attitude there! I'm just so scared with the holidays and my son's birthday - I need to "do it all" I guess. Bad way to think.

Thanks for the support.

Sorry for being so late to get to this, but heck, you know I love ya

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I need a new job, maybe some of what you got can rub off on me?! I can get interviews, I just can't get people to hire me. Sucks. (Not to make it all about me, now, of course....sigh.)

Hang in there, gf. The Trazodone is on its way and a few good nights' sleep will make it all look better.

Love, Candy

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Candy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} you're the best! I love ya to pieces too.

With all your qualifications, anyone would be very lucky to have you. You wouldn't want these jobs, believe me. I'm so far from seeing the poverty line, it isn't funny. That's it - I grab at the jobs because I am terrified that no one better will hire me........so I take it and then can't quit or say "hey, this doesn't suit me". I keep my mouth shut, all bottled in and one of two things happen: 1. I start calling in or stop showing up, or 2. I explode in rage at work and walk off the job.

What will I do with more than a couple of hour's sleep? The thought just makes me smile.

((((((((((((Mary Alice)))))))))))

A thought just occurred to me don't our boys share a birthday? Timmy's was the 22nd....turned the big 9 Wish Alex a Happy Birthday for me too ok?

Now then....on to you my dear
I am doing workshops/seminars now and one of them is titled - Finding your Passion. The questions I ask the students is "What do you get lost doing" - what thing do you do that when you happen to look at your watch you say - gosh where did the time just go? When you get lost doing something - that can help you see what your passion truly is. Try thinking about it and writing some things down....is it when you are on your computer? baking? sewing? writing? reading?

Finding your passion can lead you to a career as well.....for example - say you love to write - some people would think that would mean you want to be an author/writer writing a book but it could mean that you may work for a politician writing speeches....that type of thing. .....just an example

Just some thoughts to help you hun.....take some time just for you and think about things that you get lost doing.....it may help you.

Love you xoxo

i know I can.. but making the time to call anyone has been hard.. lately getting on here has been easier cause I can get on at work adn at home while doing homeowrk and checking on my webpages to see if my pages are donig the right thing and to make sure that i have coded them correct..

This Coding is so freaking hard.. I am struggling with it, but I am diong it the best I can do
Love you with all my heart
Talk to you later ok.

{{{{{{{{{{{Heather}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I've missed you, Sis. You've been very quiet lately, so I'm really happy that you're here - just in case I haven't told you lately.

Alex's is the day after xmas, and yes, he'll be 9. Time has gone by so fast. Last night I was stressed out, and he came behind me rubbing my shoulders and said, "relax Mom, this is the good life".......omg, I laughed so hard at him!!

He's such a ray of sunshine in my life. Give Timmy a massive hug and kiss from us.

As for my "passions" in life.........hmmmmm, that would be computers, phones and reading. Any suggestions, Heather? I admit I've tried to sell phones - did very well actually, but it is really hard to get into a place.

I do fix computers on the side, have thought about doing it more........love troubleshooting software problems.

I'd appreciate any ideas.

xoxoxoxoxo

I know it's hard, Trish. But I am around, whenever, ok?

Lots of love,

me

We do the best that we can do and that is all that we can do. The holidays can drive us mad. Just do what you can do without going crazy and say to hell with the rest of the details. You are only human and none of us can be Martha Stuart...Who would want to be?

Jessica

i know you are..

but I just got told something at my doctors I was hoping I would not have, and I do.. so my deperssion just went into a very very largehole..

And this time I am not sure I even want to climb out of it..

My BPD also causes me to go through job after job. I also have Major Depressive Disorder, but the job thing is definitely my BPD. I've had 3 hospitalizations sine August, one due to self-injury, BPD blamed again. I'll even be perfectly honest here...if I could be in charge of my smoking, I'd check in and never come out. I am still incapable of running my life and I prefer to check out. With my newest meds on board (PAXIil/Zyprexa), I'm finally starting to feel more positive, but I know I have a long road of recovery ahead of me. After 10 years of battling all my disorders, I have to keep believing that I'm here for a reason...just haven't found the answer yet.

(((LADY)))))

vettech welcome.

no, martha's in prison I sure couldn't survive there!

{{{{{{{{{Jessica}}}}}}}}}}}}

For the last two weeks, my son has been sick and he's getting worse. I just don't need anymore stress - he's the only important thing I have. Augggggggggggghhhhhhhh.

{{{{{{{{{Trish}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

whatever it is, I am sorry. There's room next to me, always for you.

xoxox

{{{{{{vetttech}}}}}}}}}

I know what you mean........3 hospital stays for overdosing and I'm still here. The last one almost got me, but I survived it.

Makes me wonder why I'm still around too. Has to be a really good reason - only one I can think of is my son. The rest of my life emotionally stinks.

(((((((((((((((((((((((( hugs you back every so tightly )))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I thank you ever so much for your care and concern..

When I find out what all is going on, I will update all of you ok.
I promise you on that ok.. Some of the test have not come back yet, and I do not want to even worry you more than I proably have ok.