I want off this ride

I can't remember ever feeling this low and i don't know what to do. I don't want to do anything, and feel so weird and out of it. I went to the art/craft store today and the whole time i was out, i didn't even feel like me. I felt like i was on auto pilot and that someone or something else was operating my body, even when i was driving.
I still feel that way but not as intensely. All i want to do it seems is cry and i'm not a crier. I'm just so tired of this and it seems to get worse with each day.
Ever since i left my shrink's office the other day i've been off and it just keeps getting worse and worse and more intense.
I don't even know what my point is or why i'm bothering to post my rambling...I don't know anything anymore it seems. Everything seems so pointless and like a bother. But i don't know how much more of this i can take. And what if it's possible to get even lower? Then what? I don't think i can keep acting like i'm fine in front of my mother either. And I don't want to deal with her being on my case.
What does one do to make it all stop? I don't like this ride and i want off...

> What does one do to make it all stop?

Find some "genuine" people. Easier said than done, right? Maybe there are some here.

cafegrrrl, thanks for posting and telling us how you feel. pachyderm's right, talk to other people to get you out of yourself a little for a moment or two; it's a bit restful. I found when I just wandered around in my head and didn't get any human contact for several days (usually weekends when I wasn't at work) things seemed much harder.

What happened at the shrink's the other day that started this?

Cafegrrrl, Yes those times are awful...especially feeling like we have to appear normal...I normally have an early night to get myself away from the family so I can at least feel the pain of my depression without worrying how its effecting other people, It will pass, but it does take a while...

I was blind-sided at the shrink's office. It was only my second visit. At the end of the 1st session, she said we'd finish up my family med history for the intake at the next session. I guess we finished it at the end of the 1st session after all, because she just wanted to dive into the reasons why my doc referred me and etc.

I'm NOT one to talk about stuff with anyone and it took me a LONG time to be able to tell my doc why i thought my meds weren't working. I had to write a list of reasons and give it to the doc to read so i wouldn't chicken out of telling him.

I couldn't talk to the shrink except to answer her questions. She asked if i find it easier to write than talk and because it is easier for me to write, she suggested my writing down what i want to achieve and etc by seeing her . She also said if i want to, i can bring some of my artwork to show her.

I told her that aside from my photography, I don't have any art work other than a ton of half started collage projects.

I decided that i'd start an art journal to write/show her whatever but now i can't even bring myself to do that. I can't bring myself to even write whatever it is i need to.

I can't focus and have that whole why bother attitude. It's stupid and annoying and I can't get around it.
I can't just tell someone i don't know all this stuff. And, i'm afraid that if i do, I'll be locked up...either jail or mental place.

I just don't know what to do...or maybe i just don't know how to do it..i don't know.

Oh yeah. My mom informed me my dad's coming home for the weekend. He lives and works 5 or so hours away. And, he's worked in mental health for about 10 or more years. And, he deals with depression too. He was even on disablity for it for a year or so...I just don't have the energy to act like everything's fine while he's here. And I don't want my parents to know how bad things really are for me. But it's going to be hard considering i live with them because I can't afford to be on my own....

It's all just a mess

Just try. It seems you have been doing a good job of that. Keep doing it as and when you can.

I know it is difficult to express feelings, thoughts to family. It's also difficult to maintain the face of calm around others.

I'm glad you decided to write down some of your thoughts and feelings. Many of us here have gone through similar conflicts.

Sometimes it is easier for me the just write and let the words flow. It's like once they are out of my head and down on paper, I can move on.

As a frog of little brain I can't really offer and sound advice but I'm always willing to listen.

(((( cafegrrrl )))))

one foot in front of the other, you can make it, gather support from several sources, you never know when you might need them... it is so hard to put on the 'im fine act' .. i had to do it as a cashier for several years and if anything, i'd say it made matters worse.... find a safe place to express yourself where you arent judged by your thoughts so much, its good to explore different and new ideas, connecting things in unusual ways sometimes gives us the answer we need... you are smart and thoughtful, i have good hopes for you...

Cafegrrrl: HANG IN THERE! I know how you feel as I am right there in those feelings with you.

Its tough and you feel like giving up, but just keep spilling out your thoughts on here. I am just starting to do that as well. I don't care what I say or what others may think, as I type how I am feeling in the 'now'!

You just keep doing the same and I also hope you trust your pdoc or T enough to really feel comfortable and open up!

Seamoods

> It's also difficult to maintain the face of calm around others.

Although Rudyard Kipling is supposed to be a male imperialist chauvinist pig, I have always liked this quote from him:

"You can call yourself a man [yes, he said man] if you can keep your head when all around you are losing theirs -- and blaming it on you."