[BlackTears]

I feel so lonely and non exsistant. I feel like a failure I feel like a horrible mother. My entire child hood I grew up with a family who hated me treated me like %#@&#! and never did anything for me. I never had anyone to talk to or to play with. My real father I never even knew and I guess for once I can say my real father truely never wanted anything to do with me. I found him a couple monthes ago and though ive exchanged a few letters with my aunt (his sister) they to really dont want to know me. My father never even answered my letter. Nothing at all just nothing. Im such a sad pathetic messed up soul. I hate myself I think im ugly I am so unhappy. I have come to realize that I am starting to treat my daughter like I was treated growing up(minus the physical and sexual abuse, that I know I would never)... But I do find myself disengaging from her not really talking to her or playing with her I rarely ever play with her. She can tell I know she can how can she not..What is wrong with me why on gods earth would I ever treat her like this. I love her I swear to god I love her but what kind of mother am I??? I do not understand why im treating her this way mind u shes only 6 going to be 7 in oct. I cant remember my childhood below the age of 9 and even thats fuzzy. All I remember of my childhood is all the horrible things that have been done to me. I dont want my bueatiful babies to grow up like I have or to suffer and feel the pain like I have. My babies deserve so much more then I am giving them I truely believe they would be better off without me. I know what im doing but I cant seem to stop it, I cry and beg god to please help me and still nothing changes. I feel so dead inside and nothing can change that. I feel like im the worst mother on earth and I should never have been blessed to have two bueatiful and wonderful girls, they deserve a much better mommy. I need help I have no one to talk to absolutely no one. My husband he dosnt want to hear about me and how im feeling. I dont blame him I wouldnt want to listen to me eaither.......To Be Continued........

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((( BlackTears))))))))))))))))

[Sannah]

Hi BlackTears, I am sorry that you are suffering. Are you in therapy? The first thing that comes to my mind which might help you is if you learn how to parent yourself. Do you know anything about inner child work? I think that if you learn how to take care of your inner child that it would be easier for you to stay engaged with your children.

((((((((((((((((black tears))))))))))))))))))

My heart goes out to you .... your kiddies wont grow up with the awful things you went through, i'll tell you why .....

You are a survivor, you will make sure your children dont go through what you went through because you know it was wrong ....

your parents were the ones who were flawed, not you, I'm so sorry you had to go through it, but the positive that comes out of it is that you KNOW you couldn't do that to your babies ... therefore you have nothing to worry about. You love them, you don't treat them the same way your parents treated you ... you are doing enough to give them a good life .... you are doing your best and that is the difference ...

I worried about these issues too, because of my past .... my kids are 19 and nearly 17 and have become well balanced, clever people and are independant... they have theor problems, some maybe i have put on them, not intentionally, but they are loved and cared for and protected ..... i did my best for them and still am ...

holding your hand sweetie, please pm me if you wish ..... i have been through all of this with my t.

love you, you are not alone in worrying, Jinnyann xoxoxoxoxoxo

[nowheretorun]

(((Tears))))))) i hope things get better for you, no wise words r now, but you matter to so many... dont give up hope..

[complic8d]

((((((BlackTears))))
I have that mommy guilt too. My children are 12 and 15 and have been experiencing my "stuff" since they were born. They have come to visit me countless times in the psych hospital, and never know how mom might be feeling any given day. I have tried my best to not raise my kids as I had been raised, maybe overdoing the opposite. They know I love them, though, and I guess that is key. I'm sure there could be "better" parents than we are, but we do the best we can. Our experiences have helped us to be more compassionate and sensitive to their needs, so even if we aren't "there" for them all the time, they know that we are there, ultimately.
I hope this helped, at least to know that there are others (I) that are having the same worries.
Take care!