[anna342]

I'm back in the phase of walking around on the edge of tears all the time. Not really functioning, just laying in bed and occasionally going out trying to find something to do that i'm interested in. But there is nothing. I don't care about anything. I just lay, sleep, cry, stare at the tv or computer a bit.

But there are a few other things i'm not sure about. I'm more impulsive, even though I was already. Also I feel so distracted, like i'm totally detatched from what is around me, in my own world.

Maybe it's just part of another one of my dx (borderline personality disorder perhaps) coming across to me.

I don't know what to do. I've told the team i'm under the care of that I was struggling last week, so they know. Nothing else can be done I guess.

My psychiatrist is on holiday so I can't ask about meds being changed.

My life just seems to consist of waiting, but i'm not sure what for.

[gimmeice]

((((((((((( anna )))))))))))))))
I just went through a stage similar to what you are explaining and my T really helped me through it. Maybe you should let the team that you are working with know that you are still struggling, maybe they can help.

[DOWNINNATICK]

((((( Anna ))))))
I sorry you are having a rough time, as Ice said talk to your group and see if they can help you through this hard time. Even though your therapist is on holiday, he/she must have someone who covers for them and they could help you.

Hugs
Cindy

[Edahn]

Depression is interesting. I don't completely suffer from it. There are times I get depressed, but I usually allow myself to feel that way. I don't complain about it at all or seek to change it. In fact, I kind of enjoy it. I probably don't get as depressed as you are right now, but it's not a completely foreign feeling.

I wish I had some good advice for you, since you're obviously looking to sooth your symptoms with your post.

Do you know what is making you sad?

Otherwise, I find that connecting to myself by reviving old interests (intellectual interests and artistic) helps me retune.

[anna342]

Thank you for your replies.

As of today I will have more support around me and I'm hoping just my family will be enough to help lift this a bit.

I will give it until monday before I contact the team again, just because I really think the distraction of the other people coming to visit will help.

I don't know what causes this directly, but I know that what makes things had is that I am scared of life and what's going to enevitably come to me in the future. Just normal life things, running a household, studying, working, all these things just overwhelm and freak me out. I don't want to face them and it makes me sad that I have to. I just want to hide from it all.

I try to do things that I used to love, but many of them were sports which I can no longer do due to physical problems. But I do try to keep active and go to the gym, I know this is meant to help with mood anyway. Other than that I just don't seem to know what to do with my time. Maybe I just havent found some of the things I'll love in life yet.

Anyway.. I feel slightly better today.

[Edahn]

That's good to know.

I find lots of power in using my problems to deepen my understanding of nature and to make me a better person. I would think that by studying, paying attention to, and allowing your depression, you might be able to learn from it, too. G'luck.

[anna342]

Something small has happened. Just made me a little angry, and now my mood has been ruined. I just want all this crap to end. I don't want to go through a life of things making me angry, being upset, having to sort everything around me out and make people happy. Maybe I just want quiet. I want some peace. I feel so mixed up. I just want someone to hold me and make everything feel ok.

[stefano]

OH yes, that is familiar: to seem to live waiting. For it to end, for something to happen, for someone to come- I'm sorry for your hard time. Just keep posting here, we are listening.

[anna342]

I've decided that part of my soul has died.. I cannot even do happy when I want to. I thought today would be so good, and I wanted to be happy, but no matter what I just feel so sad and worrying that I'm just upsetting the people that mean so much to me.

I want to do good for them, I want everything to be nice and just how they want. I don't want anything to ruin their happiness. But all they want is me to be happy and I can't do it. I love them so much.

I wish never have existed, it would be ideal. They would be happy anyway.

[Einna]

[quote=anna342;
I wish never have existed, it would be ideal. They would be happy anyway.[/quote]
Anna,
When you say what you said above - I'm hoping it's not saying that you wish you never existed. It wouldn't be ideal, trust me. And NO, they wouldn't be happy anyway. You'll have to trust me on that one too. If I read that wrong, forgive me... if I did read it correctly, please, please be safe - please? I've been on both ends - the one wishing to just be gone forever from this place, this life AND I've been a close relative to one wishing the same thing too... this you are going to have to trust me on... it is NOT ideal and whoever won't be happy any way - you are far more valuable than that. Doesn't feel like it right now, but it's true. Please be safe.
{{{{Anna}}}}
Einna

[anna342]

I did mean that Einna. But seeing as I am here I can't make the memories and the fact that I have people around me who care for me just forget, so I am safe. I didn't mean for that to sound as if I was going to do anything. I wouldn't, for their sake.

Thank you for your kind words.

[Einna]

Many, many hugs to you. Thank you for letting me know you are safe... means alot to me.
Einna

[Edahn]

Originally Posted by anna342

I've decided that part of my soul has died.. I cannot even do happy when I want to. I thought today would be so good, and I wanted to be happy, but no matter what I just feel so sad and worrying that I'm just upsetting the people that mean so much to me.

I want to do good for them, I want everything to be nice and just how they want. I don't want anything to ruin their happiness. But all they want is me to be happy and I can't do it. I love them so much.

I wish never have existed, it would be ideal. They would be happy anyway.

There's nothing wrong with feeling sad or anxious. If you just let yourself feel it, it's not so so bad. If you get all worried, try to fight it, try to overcome it, you'll get much more tripped up. When you build up your expectations and hopes that this day will be free of any problems (1) you're being unrealistic - everyone has issues come up and (2) you set yourself up for resistance and disappointment. The better thing to do is just to watch it and to understand that you're suffering, and that it's okay to be suffering. Then you can get your mind around your mood issues.