It's funny in a bad kind of way that you can have a god awful day, you can be in so much pain, you can hate yourself so much and not feel like you're worth the air you breathe. You could be sitting with a bunch of people and not even have the energy to fake a smile and there could be a giant raincloud over your head and you wonder why the hell you still try and continue on.

But everyone can think you're fine, that or they just don't gave a &^!#.

I can tell a joke or laugh and people will think I'm fine? I don't even like pretending I'm fine. I just do it because that's all I know. I don't even do a good job of pretending I'm fine anymore.

My kids are going to grow up. Who's going to toss a football with them in the yard? Not me, I can't catch because I have no coordination because I only have one good eye. I may as well only have one eye. Who's going to walk to school with them? Not me, I'm stuck in this wheelchair. Maybe I'll get to used to crutches and not this wheelchair but even then.

I'm yelling and I can't tell if people can't hear me or they can and don't care. I need to talk and I can't do that irl. I post this and I probably won't feel any better because then it's just like saying it irl in a way, it's still public, anyone can read it Do I really have any friends? Friends just seem to be people who'll leave me when I need help but I'm too scared to ask them. That's my fault, I know. I don't know WHO my friends are. I don't know anything anymore. Can I say it any clearer? I'm never okay and I'll probably never be okay. I have this stupid job interview in a couple of weeks, I have "friends" who hate me, I'm in pain but apparently it's invisible.

Why does it hurt, I learned my worth a long time ago. Rant over. If anyone actually read this far then you deserve a medal, because it's pretty obvious I'm not really worth listening to.

[reddevil]

You are worth listening to.

People here are your friends, and we won't run away when you need us.

[CedarS]

Originally Posted by Griffe

It's funny in a bad kind of way that you can have a god awful day, you can be in so much pain, you can hate yourself so much and not feel like you're worth the air you breathe. You could be sitting with a bunch of people and not even have the energy to fake a smile and there could be a giant raincloud over your head and you wonder why the hell you still try and continue on.

But everyone can think you're fine, that or they just don't gave a &^!#.

I can tell a joke or laugh and people will think I'm fine? I don't even like pretending I'm fine. I just do it because that's all I know. I don't even do a good job of pretending I'm fine anymore.

My kids are going to grow up. Who's going to toss a football with them in the yard? Not me, I can't catch because I have no coordination because I only have one good eye. I may as well only have one eye. Who's going to walk to school with them? Not me, I'm stuck in this wheelchair. Maybe I'll get to used to crutches and not this wheelchair but even then.

I'm yelling and I can't tell if people can't hear me or they can and don't care. I need to talk and I can't do that irl. I post this and I probably won't feel any better because then it's just like saying it irl in a way, it's still public, anyone can read it Do I really have any friends? Friends just seem to be people who'll leave me when I need help but I'm too scared to ask them. That's my fault, I know. I don't know WHO my friends are. I don't know anything anymore. Can I say it any clearer? I'm never okay and I'll probably never be okay. I have this stupid job interview in a couple of weeks, I have "friends" who hate me, I'm in pain but apparently it's invisible.

Why does it hurt, I learned my worth a long time ago. Rant over. If anyone actually read this far then you deserve a medal, because it's pretty obvious I'm not really worth listening to.

My personal hope for you
is that some day
some way
you feel heard
and seen
believed

I hope for you that some day
some way
you see in another person's eyes
empathy for your suffering

I hope you become
a tree with strong roots
and curved branches
uniquely yourself
imperfect
as are we all
yet with inner strength
that you have chosen
you have developed
as you flex and dance in the storms
while still rooted in this earth
this world

may you find your own peace
wonder
calm
inspiration
and determination
to live
to choose life
here and now

yes
this is it
you really are not alone
you belong
you matter
we the community of trees
of souls imperfect yet beautiful
need you

Thanks Red, but it feels like it. I don't get better. All I do is complain and people are sick of me complaining. When I open myself up to someone they don't care or they leave me. It feels like people only care enough until I really need help- then they're gone. I'm used to being left to my own devices, not having help, being alone, people not caring, etc. It still hurts though, I'm more bothered then I should be. People can stand me when I don't need help or when I'm joking around.

Thank you Cedar, that was very touching.

[CedarS]

[nightbird]

((((Griffe)))))

I want my medal of friendship from you, ok!

I care and am so sorry things seem to have caught up with you again.

I go with the flow when I actually do remember it's an option, and it seems to help me.

Like, I know that the great times don't last forever, for anyone, (it's part of this life), I realize neither do the bad times.

The future is unknown, so it helps me to stay curious.

How much better can I make things today ... so I do not re-injure myself looking back, as that used to happen way too often (and still does occasionally), unless looking back has some profit in it for me or someone else, I push forward because I know that is the direction I'm going in.

I gave up hassling over each day, with struggling so much, just this year, in fact.

I decided to gracefully improve my life and not resist life as it is presently, with it's problems, health issues, heartache, annoyances, all of it.

In spite of these very real and important circumstances to me, I decided to do whatever I can to make these days more bearable.

Now that has paid off a bit, so I am working on filling my time with moments that I know are foundational.
I decided to write a new, improved life script for myself, even though I do not know what outcome there will be, I am still doing it.

I lost friends this year too, Dear Griffe, when I got ill, and the people I used to have in this life who supported me, are gone now. Life has it's difficulties and loss is the harshest part to me ... and it seems for you too.

What a blessing PC was to find during the re-shuffle.
Your friends here are real, just as Doc John is real or Muffy or Fuzzy or NoWheretoRun and a host of others ... you can tell they are because they show up when you need them, right?

Meanwhile, IRL, it is like a garden ... opps ... I feel Chauncey channelling ... lol! Peter Sellers, what a good s.o.b.!

Plant good seeds of friendship in real life Griffe, like you have here, and be patient.

I'm doing that now. It's a stretch yet a worthwhile project, starting over again in a new direction, meeting new people, going toward new experiences, even with cancer, (that scares many people off) ... I do it anyway.

What have we got to lose?
Think what we have to gain.

Be the friend you want to have, I remind myself.
I am seeing the results already. My phone rings again! My mail is worth getting too, because I don't scare easy anymore, lol, not after all I have been through to date.

You can go there too!
I see you, like me, able to make this time an opportunity for change and renewal.

You get to be the man you always wanted to be. Nobody can stop you, Dear Griffe.
Be that Guy ... in your heart, and you have planted a very fine, rare, valuable seed.

How lucky people will be to know you!

Be patient with your garden Griffe. It takes time to grow and then it needs room to bloom!

Love your Friend,
night
xoxoxoxo

[nowheretorun]

its pretty obvious people are listening Griffe... kindness you give comes back to you... i hope you feel better soon...

((((( Nightbird )))))

Thank you so much.

It just so often seems that the bad times to last forever and the good times don't seem real when I'm in a hole like this. These days the good times are just when the bad times aren't quite as bad as they could be. It's hard for me not to look back- I regret so much in my life and to second guess myself seems to be a part of my nature.

It gets do a point where I don't see why I try- any plans I make seem to crash and burn and things simply become worse. If you pile too much onto a donkey's back, his back will break. I feel as though my back is broken, yet stuff is still piled onto me, and crawling forward hardly seems worth it. I feel like I know the outcome, because the outcome always seems to be failure.

I am sorry you lost friends too. I don't deal with loss well. I invested a lot of personal care and worry into people who left me, and when they leave, I have a void. You are right, though, I do have real friends, both irl and here, that truly do care and are there when I need them. I often feel guilty for needing my friends, when really no one needs me. I'm not really sure how my friends can manage to put up with me, but that is certainly a feat.

A fresh start is always something I have longed for, a new project, per say. With friendship being like a garden, I feel bad when people have to invest in my "seed". I feel like I don't have anything to offer people and I have invested in others only to have them ripped away. The hurt makes me too scared.

You are wise and you are a true friend. Thank you Nightbird. I am in a bad place right now but I take your words to heart, and when I say that, I truly mean it.

Thank you also, NWTR. I hope no one takes offense when I say no one cares or no one is listening. When I am suffering it can just feel that way.

((((((((((((griffe))))))))))))))))))
we listen
we care
we have fun in games
we hope it gets better for you

[cantstopcrying]

You sure better be making A LOT of medals Others have posted my exact feelings and I sure couldn't say them any better, but I would like to say a couple different things. You commented that who will catch the football with your kids cuz you have no coordination due to your eyes. Since my muscular dystrophy and arthritis have gotten worse (I'm only 39), I can't play baseball with my girls anymore--I can't hold the bat tight enough to swing and I can't run. It sucks. I know the pain of feeling like you'll be missing. The best I can do is sit and watch and encourage them. I have to wear braces on my legs and for a while I didn't wear them in the summer with shorts and I didn't wear them when I would be around the girls' friends, until they both asked why I wasn't wearing them and I said I didn't want to embarrass them. They were so angry at me. "I guess the people that would say anything aren't friends so we don't care." Out of the mouths of babes! I in know way know what you're going through but I want you to know you aren't going through it alone. You can rant and rave and be angry to me all you want because I know the anger and frustration I personally go through with my limitations. Just know you are so not alone and are never ever a bother. I will listen and when you need help, I will help you all I can from pc.

I hope no one things I'm wallowing in some self-pity or anything. I feel a little guilty for having posted this- just in that rough place and bad thoughts. I owe you guys some medals.

((((( Bunnies + Cantstopcrying )))))

Thank you both. I totally get what you mean about being young and having health problems- I'm young and I get all kinds of looks because people find it strange I have a wheelchair. I don't really think I'll ever get used to it. Thank you

[cantstopcrying]

Absolutely not wallowing in self-pity at all! You're hurting. In many, many ways. Dealing the braces is hard enough, a wheelchair would take a lot of getting used to. Once you feel better about it, though, there's lots you'll find you can do. And your kids will love the ride!

[Justgiving]

(((((((((((Griffe)))))))))))))))))

You matter a lot to me. I`m glad you are my friend.

Much much love to you.

[gimmeice]

((((((((((( Griffe )))))))))))))
Sending you lots of hugs.

[multipixie9]

griffe,

i email you cos i care. read your posts. i'm actually behaving like a friend - but you don't see me or hear me. Why not??

i hear the pain and anger and what sounds like self-hate. i recognize them cos i've been there and may be again. Griffe pay attention here. I think you have value and I happen to care. There are some other people here who seem to care. Maybe it is only you who is not your friend.

i think i've offered to listen to you, my email box is "in" for you. So take me up on it and stop saying nobody cares cos that's a lie. I care.

physically you've got it worse than me. I only need two knees replaced and wear fentanyl patches to deal with the pain, but I don't ride in a chair full-time. If it comes to running to save my life, I will die cos I can't run. If it comes to playing any game I am totally without coordination and skills. I am a multiple and right now unable to hold down a job. My spouse doesn't believe there is such a thing as multiple - he'd prefer to think I am lying and lazy. I was incested by approx 6 different relatives and total about 20 perps over my misbegotten childhood. I was physically, sexually, emotionally and satanic ritually abused. my dad was an alcoholic and i was neglected and sometime didn't get enough food.

By age 9 my only goal in life was to keep my head down and avoid notice until I could die and death looked good to me. If God had not intervened when I was 18 I would have stolen my mom's pills, my dad's booze, mixed them, ingested them and died.

Have I made my point sufficiently. Sometimes life just seems to find a kid and dump the extra crap on him or her. I was that kind of kid and I'm the only sibling who survived past age 50...

i said i care about you and i meant it. your only excuse now is that i am not good enough to be your friend. so, its up to you, cos i give a care about you, for no particular reason except i want to and i understand tough circumstances.

please hang in there it will get better and lots of us care about you. hugs and a swift kick in the butt,
leslie and her pixies

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( griffe ))))))))))))))


love
furry paws

[silverallie]

I do not know what to say except that I can understand where you are coming from. Take heart, you are not alone.

[Sannah]

Griffe, I have been reading your posts over the last few months and I see you are making progress...

You say that you can't throw a ball to your kids. You see this one negative and that is all you see. Open your eyes a little wider. There are other possibilities out there that you aren't seeing. Your children will be thrilled just to interact with you. Children really don't ask for much. What they mostly want is to have loving interaction between themselves and their parents. If they have that they are pretty much set.

Your other posts Griffe deal with you being unable to face your true feelings. It seems that you try to avoid your true feelings for various reasons and then you do the next best thing, sit on the pitty pot. I hope you take this well Griffe because I am saying it with love. I guess my post is following Mulitpixies, she gave you a swift kick in the butt and I followed her!

You say you don't know why you try because you don't get success. Maybe your goals are too big at this point? Success comes with step by step babysteps. You take a problem and write down your solution that you want but you don't jump from one end to the other. You break the goal down into tiny, doable, day to day steps and then you will get there.

((((( Cantstopcrying )))))
((((( JG )))))
((((( Gimmieice )))))
((((( Leslie & Pixies )))))
((((( Fuzzy )))))
((((( Silverallie )))))
((((( Sannah )))))


I'm scared I've upset people with this- I meant no offense. I was in a hurt place and I wrote a rant without thinking of the people who care who would read it, and I didn't mean to be rude or to say no one is deserving of being my friend.

I meant no harm and I'm sorry to anyone I've offended. I won't make the mistake again and you all mean a lot to me. I read all of this and I take it to heart, I don't want to seem like I don't. Everyone's words mean a lot to me and I know you all want to help and you all mean well. Please accept my sorrys and I hope no one has been hurt.

And if there's anyone online who doesn't mind talking to me in private, I could do with some help right now.

[Sannah]

You didn't offend or upset me Griffe. I am more than fine.

[nightbird]

The only thing where you might have hurt anyone's feelings is where you said something about not having friends, when you do. That is all, Griffe.

If you speak about your depression, you are free to do that here in a protected environment.

Nobody has a right to kick you anywhere for it ... nobody here brought you into the world, or pays your rent, so I find that what another is saying here to be offensive ... for stating how your mind and emotions are struggling.

Anyone with depression knows, when it passes, we are as well, if not better for having had struggles.

People without this experience with depression need only listen and learn how deep some of the suffering actually is.

Taking tuff love approaches may work with behavioral problems and teenagers, perhaps, if that is a viable option, not with a depressed soul, where it might even be seen as disrespectful toward any adults who have a legitimate illness that causes alot of their suffering.


Peace out....

[nowheretorun]

(((Griffe)))) it took me a long time to get the ball moving for myself... dont give up...

[Greg77733]

Hi, I am not going to pretend to know how you feel. I have a really bad back and in severe pain, but I can walk. I am not in a wheelchair. I too suffer severe depression and what helps me is I look to a higher power. Also the real you is still you. It is only your mechanical body that is broken. It does seem that the world doesn't care for mentally ill people, but they don't have to live your life. It is true you can't do some things with kids but there are other things you can do. Read stories together. Go to the park and let them push you around. Try to find some fun things you can do,play chess,monoply,clue, or even cards. I hope you get to feeling better. Greg