really bad day

I haven't been on this site in a really long time but I just really need to talk. The reason I haven't been here is I've just ignored my problems like they weren’t real. For the most part it worked. I dropped out of college when I stopped going to class because I couldn’t take it anymore. I know it sounds odd but it solved all that anxiety and depression of being a failure when I was there. I just ignored it and it went away. I was recently attacked at my job by a person with MR. I tried to deal with the anxiety of working with a person that constantly tried to attack me, but I ended up quitting because it became too much. I worked temporarily for my dad's company but it was only a temp so now I'm jobless. It's hard to ignore that problem. I just kept living in a fantasy world to block out my own pathetic life because if i acknowledged it, I don’t think i could deal. I have no one that I can really talk to. My family doesn’t get weakness and don’t even see my pain when I try to let them in. I have superficial friends mostly except for a few close ones. I tried letting my best friend in and her response was that she didn’t really know me then. I then did a cover up and just said it was a bad day. no one in my life understands me and i have a hard time letting people see my bad side. i feel once they see the real me, how i really feel, that they could never look at me as a friend again. they would just see me as their reliability, the friend they have to constantly pick up. i don’t want to be that. but i need someone to talk to....

*massive safe cuddles*
You remind me a lot of myself. I have a habit of trying to just ignore my problems thinking that "maybe they'll just go away."

we're here. keep posting. i just did that too. had a really bad day and called my friend to cancel - said i was sick. she gets that. we're both teachers. i was sick - sick of it all going wrong. are you in therapy by any chance? that's a good a place as any to start. it does suck to look at our lives... but if we don't they don't change. I know. I played that game for.... what year is this.... 13 years. wow, i've been saying 10 years. it really doesn't get better if not addressed. Things are starting to change for me now.... finally. (((angel))) kiya

(((((angel))))

You are not alone. I totally relate to so much of what you shared. Just because others don't understand depression doesn't mean it's bad or that you are somehow weak! We were created with complex minds and emotions and millions of people struggle with depression in our country.
It's real.
We didn't ask for it to be part of our life.
There is help for it.

Be gentle with yourself and seek help if you can.
with concern and understanding, Judy

Thank you. You guys dont know how much that helps just to have someone who understands. Today is a much better day than before. I talked to one of my friends just to catch up. Even though I'm dealing with a lot lately I still couldn’t let myself tell her how i was really feeling. I was embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I shouldn’t have been because this friend has depression issues too and SI issues that she doesn’t hide. i just wanted to be available for her if she needed me. I dont know how to explain it--even if i try to talk about it, the words dont come out. i cant, my body wont let me. Thats why I can only talk about it by writing it down.

((((((((((( angel ))))))))))) I understand having difficulties talking about your problems and it being like your body wont let the words come out. Depression is not a weakness, it's taken my two years of therapy to understand that for myself. Please keep posting here if you find it helpful.

Glad to hear you are having a better day. I know how you are feeling. I am sooo bad at opening up and talking. It took me 10 years to seek help and now i am finally seeing a psychiatrist. I still find it hard to open up because i have lived in "my own world" for so long. No one understands so its easier to just keep it inside.. It really does help to see a professional though and i think you need it too. My psychiatrist has even agreed on me writing emails to him too because writing is SO much easier for me too.



Get some help!