[internettie]

I was in bed for about an hour thinking. Couldn't fall asleep. So I decided to get up and get the junk out of my mind. I'm not really looking for anything more than a place to express myself.

I am seeing and feeling my mortality today. I'm 48 1/2 years old and I don't know that I've made a difference in my life or anyone else's either. I never had any kids of my own and that makes me sad. I actually cried about it today. I do have 2 stepsons and 1 nephew who has been like a son to me, but none to call my own. I'm at the point where the end of my life is closer than the beginning. I wonder if there is a Heaven and I'm sure there is a Hell (and it looks strangely like the life I'm living now).

I was thinking about suicide tonight. No plan. Not planning on doing anything, just thinking of the ways there are to do it. I'm distressed that these thoughts are in my mind. Is my life so bad that I should be thinking these things and feeling this way? No. Not really. But I do. What's missing? What would make me a happy person with a life worth living?

I don't have the answer to that question. I guess it's rhetorical. I don't seem to enjoy much of anything these days. I sleep most of the day and only kind of get going when my husband is due home from work. I don't want him to see me doing nothing all the time. So I do as little as I can, which takes an enormous amount of energy, to make it seem like I'm at least doing something.

It's all a silly game. My house is a mess. The laundry is never caught up. Dishes are on the counter. The chaos in my life is so visual to everyone including me. But as long as I put a pair of underwear and a work shirt in the bathroom for my husband for tomorrow, nobody will see how much I have fallen down. I don't have friends over anymore because the house is such a pit - I don't even want to be here myself!

I was thinking earlier of the time when my mom died. I was with her for the three days prior to her death. Hadn't seen her in about 10 years before that. I was hoping to make things right with her. When I walked into her room in the nursing home, she recognized me (at least I want to believe that she did) and for the first time in my whole life she put her hand to my face and caressed my cheek. It was the only time she had ever physically shown me any love. And it meant the world to me. But it was too late. I held her hand when she died and continued to hold it for more than an hour after she passed, until the funeral home came to get her. Morbid to some I would imagine, but to me it was all I had. I never remembered her holding my hand in life, but I'll never forget holding her hand in death.

I know my thoughts are all over the place, but that's where I'm at right now. Just off-loading the garbage as I find it.

I really want to know that Heaven or someplace like it exists. Since I'm not sure, I'll only think about ending my life but I won't do it. I'm too afraid. My favorite show is Ghost Whisperer and I want more than anything for there to be a light to crossover into where my mom is waiting for me.

Can I work my way out of this depression? I'm taking all my meds as prescribed and I'm still feeling depressed. That stinks. I keep thinking of that phrase "fake it until you make it". Can I fake it until I make it? Can I just go through the actions without the feelings? It doesn't quite seem like it's worth it. It seems pointless to act without feeling.

I'm overwhelmed by all the stuff/things I have in my house. Too much to take care of. I don't even like having a lot of food in the house. It makes me feel like I have some sort of obligation to do something productive with it. I really feel that the less I have to deal with the more I can deal with things, real things, not just stuff.

Is there a point to all of this? No. Not really. I guess if I had a point I'd put a hat on it...

Thanks to anyone who read all of this. I'm not even sure that I would. Hugs to all of you battling this demon of depression.

[oneinleftfield]

I'm sorry that you are down right now. You didn't know if there was a point to even writing your thoughts down and there is. Writing about our pain or talking about is one way we heal . We can start that healing here sometimes.
Just my opinion and I hope you know that . I'm just another patient in the zone. Maybe you need to talk to your dr. about the depression. Don't forget your body is changing.
Maybe your friends ? would help you is you asked or if you are ashamed hire someone to help you.
I am sure your husband has noticed your depression. Talk to him. He is probably your best friend right? Remember that vow in sickness or in death? Well, your depression is a medical condition.
You said it was too late when your mom reached out to you and made physical contact. I disagree. It was a gift....... and somewhere inside you , you know this. How could you not? You will remember that forever!!!
Anyway, we are always here and if you want to email w/o posting to me on the board, email me. Maybe I could help you get through this. And if you bothered reading this whole thing, thanks!!!! It's really not about if anyone else reads it, it's about you writing it, the intent behind it, how you felt after writing it, and sometimes imagining what the dialogue will be about your post or how you'd like it to turn out.
Take care of you, loving you, alex.

[Sannah]

Hi Internettie, I'm sorry that you are feeling bad. Can you somehow force yourself to do things around the house. Doing the downward spiral can make you feel worse. Keeping busy and accomplishing things can lift your mood...........

[gimmeice]

(((((((((((( internettie )))))))))))))))))))
I have a similar problem with housework, I work on stuff just a little bit at a time and that way I can accomplish something. It can be very overwhelming I know but just pick an area to start on, this has really helped me.

[internettie]

Originally Posted by oneinleftfield

I'm sorry that you are down right now. You didn't know if there was a point to even writing your thoughts down and there is. Writing about our pain or talking about is one way we heal . We can start that healing here sometimes.
Just my opinion and I hope you know that . I'm just another patient in the zone. Maybe you need to talk to your dr. about the depression. Don't forget your body is changing.
Maybe your friends ? would help you is you asked or if you are ashamed hire someone to help you.
I am sure your husband has noticed your depression. Talk to him. He is probably your best friend right? Remember that vow in sickness or in death? Well, your depression is a medical condition.
You said it was too late when your mom reached out to you and made physical contact. I disagree. It was a gift....... and somewhere inside you , you know this. How could you not? You will remember that forever!!!
Anyway, we are always here and if you want to email w/o posting to me on the board, email me. Maybe I could help you get through this. And if you bothered reading this whole thing, thanks!!!! It's really not about if anyone else reads it, it's about you writing it, the intent behind it, how you felt after writing it, and sometimes imagining what the dialogue will be about your post or how you'd like it to turn out.
Take care of you, loving you, alex.

(((((alex)))))

Thank you for your kind words. I am getting help. I see a PDoc for meds and I have an appointment on the 20th for my annual physical. I'll talk to my family doctor then about this depression/fatigue/pain. I have a T that I see 2x/week, once for individual therapy and once in a group setting. She is helping me. She tells me to break everything down into babysteps and do just one thing at a time. I've been able to do that some of the time. My best friends and my husband all know that I'm battling depression right now and they are doing what they can to encourage me. I think I have a pretty good support system. I just don't always take advantage of it, but I'm learning to reach out.

I think you are right about posting this being healing. I felt a bit better this morning and went on an abbreviated walk. And you're right too about my mom - it is a gift that I'll always treasure. I need to take a moment and take in the wonderful things in my life.

Thanks for reaching out to me and reading my post. It means a lot to me.

[internettie]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Hi Internettie, I'm sorry that you are feeling bad. Can you somehow force yourself to do things around the house. Doing the downward spiral can make you feel worse. Keeping busy and accomplishing things can lift your mood...........

(((((Sannah)))))

Thank you for caring. That's very good advice. I'm going to challenge myself today to do just one thing around the house and hopefully that will give me the energy to do just one other thing. Instead of a 'To Do' list, I keep a 'Done' list. Whenever I accomplish something, even if it's minor, I write it on the 'Done' list. It sure can add up during a day. I'll work on that some more today.

[internettie]

Originally Posted by gimmeice

(((((((((((( internettie )))))))))))))))))))
I have a similar problem with housework, I work on stuff just a little bit at a time and that way I can accomplish something. It can be very overwhelming I know but just pick an area to start on, this has really helped me.

(((((gimmeice)))))

It's nice to know that I'm not the only one having difficulties keeping up with the house. I will try your suggestion today and try to do just one thing, start in just one area instead of seeing that the whole house needs to be done. I need to narrow my focus and babystep. I'm glad that you find doing this helpful. It's encouraging to me to know that.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by internettie

Instead of a 'To Do' list, I keep a 'Done' list. Whenever I accomplish something, even if it's minor, I write it on the 'Done' list. It sure can add up during a day.

This is a good idea!

I have been down a little because I have had sciatica for 3 months now. It is getting better slowly. Yesterday I was thinking about today and that I had to do some cleaning. Thinking about that wasn't all that great for my mood. Today came and I got started and guess what happened? Yes, I feel much better, I think that I even have less pain today. Doing something to help lift yourself out of the rut is helpful (I know feeling down and having depression are not the same thing though. One is just a bit harder than the other.....)

[internettie]

((((Sannah))))) Sorry to hear about your sciatica. I've dealt with that and I know how difficult it can make life. I'm glad you were able to get some things done and are feeling better. I definitely need to get out of the rut I'm in. I know it's just a matter of getting up and doing something, anything, besides sleeping. But sleeping is all I want to do. So I'm going to challenge myself right now to get up and put the dishes in the dishwasher. There aren't that many so it should only take a few minutes.



I DID IT!! I took care of the dishes (emptied the few that were clean and loaded the dirty ones). I also put the trash out since it is trash pick up day. Wow! That's quite an accomplishment considering how I feel. The rut I need to get myself out of is rewarding myself with taking a nap when I do put something on the done list. I also need to stop rewarding myself with food. I've gained about 20 pounds by doing this. It has to stop.

My next challenge, later today, will be to take a shower so I can go to DBT group tonight. I don't want to miss group so I'm going to have to really encourage myself. Babysteps. Break it down into steps I can handle. One thing at a time. I can do this.

[Capp]

Yes you can do it...how wonderful that you see it!
Congratulations on what you have accomplished so far. I sincerely hope that you accept that baby steps are good; they are not a sign of anything except forward movement.
Jme? I've done the snail slide before 'cause that's all I could manage--I made it, too.

Best wishes
Cap

[cajun]

I understand EXACTLY how you feel. I have a million things to do and no desire to do any of them. I can't make myself do any of them. I just don't care about anything. Nothing gives me pleasure.....even the things that used to. I try to work myself out of the rut a little at a time. It's a slow process. Hope you feel better.

[Sannah]

You go girl! (((((((Internettie))))) Keep me posted on your progress okay!

[internettie]

((((Capp)))) ((((cajun))))) ((((Sannah))))

I went and took a nap but I'm up again. Did a little work in the kitchen after my nap (missed a few dishes to put in the dishwasher) and still working toward that shower. It's like slogging through thick mud trying to get things done, but you're right, as long as I'm making some forward progress I'm doing okay.

I did screw up on food though. I made a batch of cookie dough with no intention of cooking it - just sat and ate some of it. Now I feel sick. Yech! I'll give myself credit for making something from scratch though.

Now about that shower...

[Sannah]

Hi Internettie, how is it going today?

[internettie]

Thanks for asking, Sannah. I did get my shower in yesterday and went to DBT group last night. Today I've done a whole lot of nothing but I did just get back from the store (the 7-11). It's so hard for me to believe that just getting dressed and going to the store could be such an effort. I have an appointment next Thursday for my annual physical and I'm going to talk to my doc about this. I'm starting to wonder if there is something else going on here besides depression. I am looking forward to tonight though. My favorite show is on TV. That'll keep me out of bed for an hour. lol I do appreciate you asking about me today. It means a lot to me. How are you doing?

[Sannah]

I am well Internettie, is this a recent change in your depression?

[internettie]

Sannah, I am glad to hear you are well.

I've been feeling this bad for about a month or so. It just seemed to happen one day, I woke up and I didn't think I could get out of bed. I have to get up a couple times each day to let the dogs out so I'm not in bed constantly but I'd like to be some days. Thankfully I have lazy dogs so they don't mind being in bed with me most of the time.

I don't know if my appetite has changed or if I'm just too tired to do anything beyond a bowl of cereal. It seems to take so much thought to prepare a meal.

I try to get together with my best friend when I can because I know I should, but I don't really have much desire to be with other people.

I guess I'm hoping that there is something wrong that my doc can fix, but I'm pretty sure it's going to be the meds and therapy that turn things around.

Maybe I'm just watching too much Fox News.

[Capp]

just a thought and I offer my apology in advance for being nosy...
when you have your physical next week. your physician should run blood work--CBC--but ask him/her to make sure your thyroid hormones are within normal range and so is your sed rate. if it's a fasting blood test, then your blood sugar level can also be checked...
jmo/jme, but there are many physical problems that can cause or worsen depression and energy levels. it just seems safer to rule out these possibilities before any med adjustment--if you are on meds.
that's another thought...if you have started any new meds or had any adjusted, it might be worth it to look at that, also.

sorry if I stepped on your toes...
Cap

[internettie]

I am getting fasting blood work next week. I'll ask if she's included the thyroid, sed rate and blood sugar. I believe that the labs she orders are fairly inclusive of the day to day stuff. I'm going to ask her about other hormones too. I think I'll do some research and see what tests would be appropriate/helpful. If you can suggest any other tests, please do. I am on meds so that's really good advice. I've been on all my meds for years and haven't had any adjustments recently. I wonder if the brand of any of my meds has changed? I mean they are all generics but one now comes in a capsule instead of a pill. Food for thought.

You certainly didn't step on any toes. You've been very helpful and I appreciate it.

[Capp]

hey, your comment about your generics jumped out at me. I have to be careful with the manufacturer of the ones I take--my pharmacist special orders two for me because I get absolutely no results from the others. some of them are better than others. he has also mentioned to me that sometimes when you do change generics from one manufacturer to another that there can be a change in the way they all work together....jmo/jme, of course.
it's a good idea about the hormones, all of them. I'm glad your physician is so thorough when she checks you. does she also do an EKG, at least periodically? finally, not just a urinalysis but also a culture...I mention the culture only because a low grade bladder/kidney infection for me does not show squat unless the culture is done. it took my own physician two infections before he accepted that's the way my body operates.

listen to your body, IN. if something doesn't feel right, then follow your instincts. it may be that a med has "pooped" out, but sometimes we are very quick in saying that's the only reason. better safe than sorry...

Cap
whew! glad I didn't step on your toes

[internettie]

I did some research on the med I was questioning. It's called Ranitidine (for GERD, not a psych drug) and it can cause depression and drowsiness. The mfg (Sandoz) is different than the one who made the pill form (Par Pharm). Could be the culprit. I've stopped taking it as of tonight (it's okay to do that) and I'll see what happens by the time I see the Doc on Thursday. I'll still ask her to do a culture and yes, she does do an EKG. She's the best. I've been seeing her for about 20 years now. Anyway, I'm not going to rule out anything. All I know is that I want to stop feeling like this and I'm sick of sleeping the day away. Depression stinks. If it ends up being depression just on its own, I'll make an appt to see the pdoc. He's pretty good about getting me in quickly. Thanks again for the advice. It's extremely helpful.

[Capp]

You have done a good job of being proactive, IN! I salute your determination and focus and honesty.

I've had it happen that my symptoms were related to my depressed state. I was all right with that diagnosis because I knew other possible causes had been addressed by my physician.
My pdoc, at the time, was kind and listened and we agreed on my treatment protocol...I didn't feel he was throwing pills at me in a shotgun manner. His philosphy was using the lowest dose possible for maximum benefit.
He retired shortly after his wife died unexpectedly...with three small children and one teenager, he wanted to be with them.

I so hope your physical goes well and you get the answers you need to feel better asap.
Cap

[Sannah]

Nettie, I'm glad you are going to be getting a full medical check up. Did anything in your life change a month ago or did you start working on something new in therapy?

[internettie]

Thank you, Capp. Sorry to hear about your pdoc's loss (and yours too). My pdoc is great about not throwing pills at me. He has the same philosophy as your pdoc. I'm sure the physical will go well. I feel much more prepared for it now.

Sannah, the only thing I can think of that's 'new' is that at this time of year my PTSD about driving ratchets up because of potential weather days. The only times I have to go out is for therapy and group and I don't even have to go out for those if the weather is inclement. I'm hyper-vigilant this time of year and that may be contributing to this. I'll mention that to my doc when I get my physical. I want her to have the whole picture.

I didn't take that medicine last night and I was able to get up early today and I haven't napped yet today. Might be coincidental but I'll take it.