[Dingoroo]

i'm at my wit's end yesterday was my the birthday of my twins and i spent it in hospital. i was a complete idiot to land in here, i was so stressed and tired that i acted irrationally and worried those around me to death.

i have no idea what to do. i worry so much about my boyfriend and i'm so so scared for him he's been so confused and delusional lately. he locked himself in his room (his 'world') for a week, finally came out, and things were tense. i think a clinic would help him so so much and i thought i found a lovely one, but i was informed today they don't accept patients with DID.

his therapist is amazingly helpful and told me of a local clinic that should accept him, and that he'll look into it.

frankly my own health is of little consequence to me now, i just want to go home and see my partner and kids. it's like he's not himself. he's delusional and completely paranoid, he talks to hallucinations and inanimate objects, i don't know if he has any grip on reality these days. he refuses medication, tries to skip therapy. i love him so so so much and it kills me to see him become this confused shell. i know the real him is still there somewhere, he's just shrouded by this fog or something

i'm so helpless, watching this. i hope hope hope this new clinic will have room and he'll agree to go. i have never seen him so ill in my life. he has isolated all his friends it seems and doesn't talk to anyone.

i don't do therapy, i have no friends in this real world i talk to about emotional problems. neither of us deserve this. i barely know anyone here. it's like i barely know ANYONE these days.

[cantstopcrying]

(((((((((((((((((dingaroo)))))))))))))))))) I am so sorry for what you and he are going through. And that you had to spend the twins birthday in the hospital. I know you say your health is of little concern to you right now, but remember you have to be healthy in order to take care of them babes and to help him. It's been such a long time that we've seen you around here; remember that we are here for you.

[Blue93]

(((((((((((dingoroo & vince))))))))))))))))))))))))

[pegasus]

((((((( Dingoroo ))))))))

I'm sorry to hear that you ended up in hospital, don't beat yourself up for missing your childrens birthday. Your health is very important. Maybe now, you will get some extra support. You have struggled for so long on your own with this, you can't do everything. Let people help you at this time.

[Dingoroo]

thank you ((( marci, blue93, pegasus )))

frankly i'm not sure what those around me can do to help, things are just such a drag now and it's too stressful and hard. december has always been a tough month for us.

fingers are crossed this clinic i'm now looking into will accept him and he'll accept the help. my priority is seeing him on the road to recovery, then maybe i can look after myself. i feel guilty for having landed in hospital, i know he blames himself.



just hoping we'll get a break and something will look up soon. i appreciate you all. i'm eager to go ome and see him. i just home it'll be like seeing HIM again, and not this confused thing he's been reduced to. i'll always love him no matter what, but i wish he could see how ill he is and that lying to himself about his illness only hurts everyone.

[SophiaG]

((Dingoroo)) I'm so sorry to hear that your bf isnt feeling well. I hope he gets accepted to the clinic soon!

[gimmeice]

((((((((((((((( Dingoroo )))))))))))))))))))))))

Please don't feel bad for needing to go to the hospital, if you are not well then you can't help anyone. I hope that he will get excepted into the clinic but please remember that you must take good care of yourself too.

[Dingoroo]

thanks ((( sophiaG, gimmieice )))

i got to see him this morning and he's in such poor shape breaks my heart but still holding out for this newest clinic. he's been alone and he says he has no friends to talk to and no one to call. i wish things weren't like this. i don't know how to help him, or help myself.

hopefully we find out about this clinic really soon and things will improve.

[cantstopcrying]

Make sure to tell him his friends here care and miss him and would love to talk to him again.

[Dingoroo]

i came home to find him shivering on the sofa the other day, he had convinced himself cameras were watching him inside and thought it a good idea to try sleeping during a heavy snowfall in a snow ditch he managed to twist his arm too.

this new clinic looks great and we got to tour it today. i was really surprised he agreed to tour it, with how things have been, and i was proud to see that. we went out for some iced coffee after, which was nice.

i see him sad and it makes me feel so helpless, though. he told me over coffee that he felt alone because he "knows he won't be understood". he then said that it was okay that he had no friends, and not to feel bad for him, people would only hurt him anyways. i can't bear to see him like this. i think i need a friend too, my friends often only seem like my friends on a very superficial level.

his birthday is in a week and he seems nervous for it. i really hope he'll accept this clinic- i don't want to watch him fall apart when i can't seem to help. i KNOW a clinic would help him, and help me, because he'd be helped.



i'm not in great shape, this generally isn't a good month for either of us, but at least i suppose we made a little progress today with the clinic tour it's been a long week and thank goodness tomorrow is friday. i need a long rest but i still can't seem to get it.

[cantstopcrying]

That is good news on the clinic tour! What did he think of it? How nice that you got an afternoon out together! How scary it must have been for you to know he was out laying in the snow bank. I so hope this clinic ends up being workable! I know what it's like to need a friend irl . Don't forget to take time for you, do a little something special for you to, just to remind you that you are important and you need to stay healthy to help him and the kids!

[sadly_me]

wow. you know it's wonderful to read about the love you have for him. just keep showering your love on him. i bet that's what helps to make it through each of those little triumphant steps!

are there programs for you little ones? maybe counselors at school they can talk to as well (if they are old enough). sounds like lots of emotional stuff going on in the family. just a thought.

keep taking care of yourself!

[Dingoroo]

he wasn't very keen on it but that was expected, he's always been scared of doctors, hospitals and clinics. i hope he'll see the clinic, rather then just as a medical facility, as a safe place where he can sort things out, meet new people and get what he needs. i've assured him i'd visit plenty. it's just waiting now to see if he'll do it.

i'm a little anxious to hold out so much hope when there's so big a chance he'll refuse clinic... false hope only hurts he still will hardly eat and never take medication so it seems like a stretch for him in a way.

honestly, i don't have the time to do anything for myself. between the kids, him, working, studying on my own time, chores, dog-walking... there's not much to do for me. what i'd give to be able to sleep in until noon and have everything taken care of for a day!

our kids just turned one last week, so a little young for a counselor i appreciate the suggestion though.

thanks ((( marci, sadly_me )))

I wish I could drive over to Canada to be your babbysitter or something. (but I don't think that would work well ...) it's too bad that he's not doing well, it's really sad to see him turn away stuff like clinics that could help him heal. I've had that delusion were someone can see your thoughts too (regardless of whether it was another person or another part of yourself) and I know it's definitely not a pleasant one....

I hope everything goes well for you and your family, you all deserve it so much I know that for each bad time there will be some good time as well (no life is 100% bad stuff) it's just a matter of when...and it needs to happen ASAP

[madisgram]

oh dingoroo, i feel for you both. i know it is so hard to see someone we love be so ill and feeling like we are helpless. but you've already proven yourself incorrect about feeling helpless cause you got your bf to go look at the clinic that may be able to help him.
my husband becqme seiously ill with paranoid schizophrenia at age 25. we had a small son,age 3, at the time. my husband has his PhD in clinical psycholgy. i can't tell you how devasted i was when he became ill...and he had so much to give to so many had he stayed well. i'm sharing this with you because i want you to know i do truly understand how helpless you felt when your bf got worse. i felt the same way with my wonderful husband.
later i was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. so i can also relate to how you are feeling and your personal needs too. yes you do need a rest. restore the body and the mind will follow. a brisk walk to clear your troubled mind, a good nap, etc. and you will be better capable to helping him if you have restored your own spirit. balance in our lives is the key tho i have to admit that can be a challenge even in the best of times.
you both need support systems and friends in your lives. that too can renew your spirits. i encourage you to do this for yourself.
having expressed all that i wish you both well. it sounds as tho there is a strong love between you and your bf. harvest strength from that love. and as for you personally, save some of that very love for youself to see you through this rough time. you will need it. be kind to yourself and forgiving too. what you are going thru takes a lot of mentlal energy and you will need to "refuel" to keep youself spiritually fit.
hugs to a special lady...

[Dingoroo]

thank you two.

((( madi ))) i hope he is doing better now. it's a terrible illness and so so so hard to watch someone suffer from it, and to feel so helpless. it breaks my heart

i found him today in a pillow fort, wearing a paper crown, doing a rubrix cube. he said it was "his world" and he just wanted to be alone in it for a bit. he came out later and said his head hurt because everyone was "yelling"- he wrapped it up in towels and proceeded to hang upside down off the sofa

no indication if he'll do this clinic. sometimes he'll be clear, like himself again, and not this confused illness. i miss him

[katheryn]

i am sorry this is happening to you bot. i hope he will go to the clinic to just give it a try, i tried talking him to get help a few times he is so determaned that i expect its like a war trying to get him to see things, you have to think of each one of you in the home and what the effect of the behaviour is having on you all, i know its not nice but if he wont go voulntarly you maybe have to get the docs to force him to go to a clinic for the help he needs, before he does to much damage to himself and those that love him

please remind him we are here still and think of him daily, miss him in games

(((((((((((((((kate and vince and twins)))))))))))))