i dont want to get better

because getting better will mean i can no longer love. i cannot feel anything if i dont feel bad.

you mean you will never feel anything again? you will feel nothing when a child cries? a dog is injured in traffic? a grandmother weeps for her lost child? nothing? that is not love... it is nothing.. it is a personal hell.. we have something else to offer you.. only you can decide to join..

in those brief times when i havent been depressed i come to realize that not only do i not feel depressed, but i also dont feel love or excitement or any strong emotion at all. those examples that you said may make me feel somewhat, but it's fleeting. plus it's a negative emotion, which is why i can feel it. it seems if i dont feel a negative emotion, i cant feel a positive one either. thats why the idea of getting better is so terrifying

i understand but you are trading potential goodness for definite nothingness

i think once you get better it takes a little time for your emotions to sort themselves out and get back on track. if they don't adjust themselves then therapy might be a next step to help you readjust them accordingly. I hope you do get better, this side of the fence is so much brighter

So, when you are not depressed (not in a crisis), you feel nothing, good or bad... right?
The important thign to know is that mood goes high and low regardless what you want, and very often even your life events don't matter. So you have to decide how to handle your "high" mood. But really you need help for this. Do you get any?

no i dont. i was in therapy for 2 years or so and i got nothing out of it. nothing improved or even changed, and i accomplished nothing during the whole time, so i stopped. it was just a waste of time and money unfortunately.

I also used to think something like that. Cuz when I was more OK I was numb. But that is NOT what better means... Numb is awful!!!!

If you get better... after a while you'll have other feelings too... even nutty feelings!!!

... and did you try any medication?

i agree, numb is awful!! ugh! and i tried prozac for a while, but it gave me panic attacks. medication scares me anyway and that just reinforced my fear

Prozac didn't work for me either. And I took something else that I don't remember. Then I was waaay undermedicated on Wellbutrin. Sometimes it takes awhile to find what works. Not that I think I've arrived. Far from. But intellectually I have to believe that there is a combo of drugs and therapy that can help with depression and not make us numb. Better with feelings. Emotionally that's harder to believe, especially if medicine scares you.

Rebbie, maybe that therapist wasn't very good or maybe you were just at a place at that time where you weren't ready for therapy? I would suggest trying again. When you get better then you will be able to feel positive feelings.

Hang in there you will get through it. I know its tough

i know in my mind you are all exactly right, it's just hard to believe sometimes. thanks for all the support!

One thing I have realized about you is you still carry on your thoughts on here. Even though I havent been on very long, from just reading the posts here I saw that you are drawn to exchanging your feelings and thoughts and that is a most positive thing for you to grasp within yourself. If you were not communicating at all then you might really find yourself in that corner all alone. So continue to talk and post even though you might not think you are gaining anything from it, you really are trying and the feed-back you hear should allow you to understand that your not alone, in fact your never alone......for there are to many of us that do understand not entirely but to some degree, as we all have crossed this path one time or another. I have and find that communicating with others really gives you the capacity to feel like your apart of a family that understands, when in fact sometimes our own family (blood) doesn't even have the slightess clue about it.

Another thing that I use is that faith doesn't operate on our feelings so when I don't feel anything it doesn't mean all hope is gone, it means that something beyond our own control is happenning for us and in us to produce a reality that in the near future will be seen by others and then we to will bear witness that something has happenned all along. Don't be so hard on yourself, I know that isn't easy to do at times but if you try and relax a bit and love yourself you will find at best some relief at those times,

Hoping for the best for you
Drilla

The Hummingbird:

I cant believe what i just read, you mean you want to stay depressed. listen to what you are saying, you may as well be six foot under im sorry to say. having no happiness in your life is like being muted. You need to see someone urgently.

She is just expressing her feelings my friend. If she doesn't want to get better why would she indicate this. Because she is allowing us to feel her emergency and then it is for us to deal with her crisis, negative feedback will only throw any person into a worse situation. Read between the lines, the emotional lines as well the mental anguish that is expressed and you will see clearly what she is asking for,

Drilla

she said she didnt want to get better thats what i was replying too. that is what i couldnt believe i was reading.

lets all allow each other to understand and learn at our own levels... this site is for everyone at every level and all of us matter