[andycamp]

Things seemed like they have been going better for awhile at least been so busy the distractions have been good for me overall. The holidays brought their ups and downs mostly ups but the downs of missing my Dad and my Uncle and the uncertainty of life. Saw 2 friends today which is about almost half of all my friends don't have many any more. Seeing them was good and saw my therapist this afternoon and told her about how good it was to see them today and how good it was to see my relatives over Christmas. Time was almost up when we started talking about meeting new people etc and she said how good I seemed today and overall the last few times except for our last apt. Anyway I said how hard it was to meet people and how I was trying and how I can be good as she knows I hold it together through work yet when I go home ( l live back home with my mom and sister since I graduated college and stayed after my father passed away) I get depressed. She took it the wrong way. She thought it was home that was depressing me and it is not home but it is where ever I am after work or on weekends. In my car, at the gym, home, one moment to the next. Anyway I started to cry in her office and she wanted to know what she said to make me cry. It was nothing she said it was just me. I could not explain it, it is just that my feelings can suddenly change like I have no control over them. She asked what I was thinking at that moment when I didn't answer her and I could not say anything. Out time was up and she said to e-mail her if I wanted to(which meant she hopes I do instead of leaving something unsaid) So I left and all I could think of was the whole way home was what I was thinking and what I could not tell her was on my mind at that moment and that was I hate myself and I don't know if I can take this anymore or even if I care. I guess I am not as on the up as I thought or hoped I was. In fact my mind keeps thinking how much I am unhappy with things in my life. How tired I am of taking meds, trying to figure things out and not really feeling like I am that I am as far along as I have lead some people to believe. I have gone through ECT before and do not think I am at that point that I need to go that route again yet their are days when I think being in the hospital would be a safer place and that maybe I would get the boost I need in the long run. Saying I hate myself and that I don't know if I can continue to do this at one point would really bother and really worry me today I just shook it off as well thats life and we'll see. I need someone to talk to. I need someone who understands, I need a friend. Is there anyone out there. Someone must understand. PLEASE HELP!!!!

[Ascension]

I can't help but to wonder if a good deal of your stress is that you fear that you need to be strong for your loved ones and maybe you feel guilty about how you feel? Sometimes putting on the appearance of not hurting is as hard or harder then the initial pain of depression and mourning. I hope that you can learn to lean on your support system, especially your family. I am relatively confident they will be sympathetic. Not that you are but some people also feel ashamed of being depressed, that they feel like people will see them as weak or maybe even are afraid they themselves are weak. That's not the case, life has a way of humbling us at times and it's okay to take some time to rebuild and regain the strength we need to get back out there. And meeting people is hard for a lot of us. But it sounds like you need to focus on gaining some balance and worth in your life. If you feel alone then reach out to the people you do have, there is a far lower chance of rejection then if you go somewhere else and they are normally the people you can trust the most to help you. Also they know you well enough to help you if you are making unhealthy choices. Let me close by saying I know how feeling lonely is. I have been relatively house bound for 4 years, have one real friend and my life has been a sheltered one. You aren't altogether alone. There are many of us out here even if you feel alone where you are.

[madisgram]

i'm awfully sorry you are feeling so down. i really liked your thought on talking honestly with your therapist about how you are feeling. i was told once that i was responsible for my treatment with the therapist and it is so true. unless they know how we truly feel it makes it next to impossible for them to help us. and yes we can be friends...all of us here at pc. you are surrounded by all of us and we do care about you!

[gimmeice]

(((((((((((((( andycamp )))))))))))))))))

The journey to healing has it's ups and downs, both of which are normal. Did you email your T? It really may be a good idea.
I have noticed that when I am experiencing a down, I also doubt the progress that I thought I had made and sometimes I feel like such a fool for ever believing that I was making progress.
I am always here for you if you need a friend.

[andycamp]

Thanks for your input and being there for me. It helps to know there are others out there that understand. I hope you are doing well.

Originally Posted by Ascension

I can't help but to wonder if a good deal of your stress is that you fear that you need to be strong for your loved ones and maybe you feel guilty about how you feel? Sometimes putting on the appearance of not hurting is as hard or harder then the initial pain of depression and mourning. I hope that you can learn to lean on your support system, especially your family. I am relatively confident they will be sympathetic. Not that you are but some people also feel ashamed of being depressed, that they feel like people will see them as weak or maybe even are afraid they themselves are weak. That's not the case, life has a way of humbling us at times and it's okay to take some time to rebuild and regain the strength we need to get back out there. And meeting people is hard for a lot of us. But it sounds like you need to focus on gaining some balance and worth in your life. If you feel alone then reach out to the people you do have, there is a far lower chance of rejection then if you go somewhere else and they are normally the people you can trust the most to help you. Also they know you well enough to help you if you are making unhealthy choices. Let me close by saying I know how feeling lonely is. I have been relatively house bound for 4 years, have one real friend and my life has been a sheltered one. You aren't altogether alone. There are many of us out here even if you feel alone where you are.

[andycamp]

I just wanted you to know I wrote my therapist an e-mail to what was on my mind and she wrote me back. We will talk about everything when I see her on Wed. I was told the same thing you were once but it may have taken me till now to finally have spoken honestly even if it wasn't in person. I don't mean I haven't been honest with her before because I am but when things get tough I sometimes clam up and the thoughts take over. Thanks for being their for me. I hope to see you online here.

Originally Posted by madisgram

i'm awfully sorry you are feeling so down. i really liked your thought on talking honestly with your therapist about how you are feeling. i was told once that i was responsible for my treatment with the therapist and it is so true. unless they know how we truly feel it makes it next to impossible for them to help us. and yes we can be friends...all of us here at pc. you are surrounded by all of us and we do care about you!

[andycamp]

I did e-mail my therapist and she has written me back. Now I just have to make it till I see her on Wed. It was a hard e-mail but I think it was good that I did it. You are right about when you are in the downs that ones does seems to doubt their progress or at least I do. Thanks for being here for me and I hope we can stay in touch online.

Originally Posted by gimmeice

(((((((((((((( andycamp )))))))))))))))))

The journey to healing has it's ups and downs, both of which are normal. Did you email your T? It really may be a good idea.
I have noticed that when I am experiencing a down, I also doubt the progress that I thought I had made and sometimes I feel like such a fool for ever believing that I was making progress.
I am always here for you if you need a friend.

[cf2009]

I totally understand and want 2 know more about ect!! I'm 34 and have battled major depression since i was 5. It is so miserable!

Originally Posted by andycamp

Things seemed like they have been going better for awhile at least been so busy the distractions have been good for me overall. The holidays brought their ups and downs mostly ups but the downs of missing my Dad and my Uncle and the uncertainty of life. Saw 2 friends today which is about almost half of all my friends don't have many any more. Seeing them was good and saw my therapist this afternoon and told her about how good it was to see them today and how good it was to see my relatives over Christmas. Time was almost up when we started talking about meeting new people etc and she said how good I seemed today and overall the last few times except for our last apt. Anyway I said how hard it was to meet people and how I was trying and how I can be good as she knows I hold it together through work yet when I go home ( l live back home with my mom and sister since I graduated college and stayed after my father passed away) I get depressed. She took it the wrong way. She thought it was home that was depressing me and it is not home but it is where ever I am after work or on weekends. In my car, at the gym, home, one moment to the next. Anyway I started to cry in her office and she wanted to know what she said to make me cry. It was nothing she said it was just me. I could not explain it, it is just that my feelings can suddenly change like I have no control over them. She asked what I was thinking at that moment when I didn't answer her and I could not say anything. Out time was up and she said to e-mail her if I wanted to(which meant she hopes I do instead of leaving something unsaid) So I left and all I could think of was the whole way home was what I was thinking and what I could not tell her was on my mind at that moment and that was I hate myself and I don't know if I can take this anymore or even if I care. I guess I am not as on the up as I thought or hoped I was. In fact my mind keeps thinking how much I am unhappy with things in my life. How tired I am of taking meds, trying to figure things out and not really feeling like I am that I am as far along as I have lead some people to believe. I have gone through ECT before and do not think I am at that point that I need to go that route again yet their are days when I think being in the hospital would be a safer place and that maybe I would get the boost I need in the long run. Saying I hate myself and that I don't know if I can continue to do this at one point would really bother and really worry me today I just shook it off as well thats life and we'll see. I need someone to talk to. I need someone who understands, I need a friend. Is there anyone out there. Someone must understand. PLEASE HELP!!!!

[andycamp]

I am 38 just a few years older then you and went through ECT when I was 37 what do you want to know their are some good sites online if I can find them again but I can also just let you know from personal experience about it if you want let me know.

Originally Posted by cf2009

I totally understand and want 2 know more about ect!! I'm 34 and have battled major depression since i was 5. It is so miserable!