It's long but please read it, I really need some support.

Hi All,
This is my first time ever posting in a forum like this so I am a little nervous and uncertain about it. I know it's anonymous and all that but, like I said, this is fairly new to me. I'm mostly here because, as my username says, I feel so alone.
Here's some background on what's been going on. Things were going really well in the beginning of the year. I got a great apartment, I got my teaching credential, master's in education, I lost 43 pounds (I was overweight and needed to lose weight for health reasons, I didn't have an eating disorder or anything) and I started taking acting classes which I wanted to take for a long time. Then my mom told me she had a really bad gambling addiction, was 70 thousand dollars in debt and was having to declare bankruptcy. Then everything went downhill, mostly because of the childhood issues that brought up for me. (I'm an only child, my dad died when I was 17 and my family is very small so there isn't much of a support system.) I started cutting which I had NEVER done before in my life (I'm 30 by the way) and tried to commit suicide just before Thanksgiving. That landed me in the mental hospital for 3 days which, let me tell you, is MORE than enough incentive to NEVER do anything like that ever again. Now If I don't get a job within the next two weeks (I've been looking HARD for 4 months) I will lose my apartment and no longer afford to be able to take acting lessons or my workout membership. To top it all off, my mom (who I had previously trusted implicitly with money) was holding onto some of my money for me and she blew through that when she was gambling. I thought I could trust her. I obviously can't in SO many ways. So I feel ENTIRELY alone. I live alone and am not in a relationship and sometimes just want to be held so bad but there is no one around to do that. Sometimes it hurts more than I think I will be able to bear. It can be utterly intolerable. This week was particularly bad as a job I was depending on didn't come through. I'd given all my blades to my friend to hang onto so I wouldn't cut anymore (that's how I ended up in the hospital) but as I lay in the bathtub trying to calm down the idea of just putting my head under the water and taking a big breath became more and more appealing. I won't do it so please don't anyone worry but it just gets to be too much sometimes.

Oh dear you have had a rough year havent you ! I wish I had wonderful words of wisdom for you but all I can offer is friendship and a listening ear, pm me if you want or keep talking in this thread....

Hugs to you

soalone,

you are in the right place. many here have had some really rough patches too and we will understand you and support you as well. all my situations are different from yours but pain and fear are also universal and i can understand.

are you looking for comfort or comfort and ideas on how to cope???

as far as comfort goes, folks just offer their support and they share where they've gotten their own hope and help. and sometimes they just share adorable pictures that make you smile.

i don't know what to say in comfort about your mom's behavior. i'm guessing she must be addicted to gambling. i would be so upset if a family member did something like that to me - especially when i am searching for a job. it is completely crazy when a parent starts being like an irresponsible child!!!

on a practical note, there are tons of fantastic websites on how to save money, get out of debt and manage life with thrift and style both. (about.com/frugal has huge resources; living on a dime.com is another that is great) websites like these can save you thousands of dollars. and also there are support groups out there somewhere to help you deal with your mom's addiction and its effects on you - CoDa is really great)

i talk to God and practice my faith - i say practice cos i sure don't do it perfectly! as soon as life gets tough i remember how much i need God's help.

well, i'm about talked out here. i hope you gain some encouragement. i know you are worried but i am pretty sure something will work out for you. try to keep going with long walks and healthy eating to keep the good health you were obtaining. please get on a local crisis line or online when or if you hear those bad thoughts of ending your life. suicide is a permanent end to a temporary problem!!! you do have too much to live for to end your life. AND....

for Pete's Sake, if you have a master's in education YOU ARE NEEDED!!!! all over the US and many foreign countries they have a desperate need for teachers - that means YOU!!!!!!!!!!

you did a smart thing writing in to us. just be patient and keep posting because we do care!!!

leslie

hi and welcome to pc, allalone. i'm so glad you found us!!! thank you for sharing about what's going on with you and your life. i've had some occurences similar to yours at one point in my life. i was devasted. i had no money and no support system but good friends. it took me about 6 months to get on my feet again, slowly. i will pray for you, just me. i did a lot of that when i was betrayed and had no means of support. my prayers were answered beyond any good thing i could imagine. so i do believe there's power in prayer.
you've already done so many good things to prepare you for life. right now i feel you must see things and are very overwhelmed. i was too. but just take it "a day at a time" and build on those successful blocks of time. please continue to post and let us know how things are going.
i hope your mom can get help too. right now she is sick. sick with an addiction and needs to seek help for herself. she will be the one who decides that.
in the meantime you focus on your self and know that i care.

Thanks SO much for all the support! You are all SO sweet! I actually got some good news today. I got a job! It's not exactly the job (it's part-time) I wanted but it is in my field and it's SOMETHING which is better than nothing. Especially in this economy. Unfortunately it is looking like I am still going to have to move back with my mom. (Which is something I am dreading.) If I find a better, full-time job in that time I will be able to stay in my apartment but I kinda doubt that. I'm just SO grateful for getting the job I did get. It doesn't fix everything, but it makes it a little better.

soalone, it's always okay to write a lot if you need to, so please don't apologize. We want to hear your heart and help you along the way if we can. I know I can speak for a lot of people here at PC because I see them saying the same thing to everyone. Yeah, it's weird at first being on a forum but we're real people with the same (or similar) real feelings and hurts. I hope you find this to be a safe place for you to share any time. Also, I'm really proud of you for getting your Master's even if it is a struggle to get a job right now. It might not feel all that significant but it really is. Try to hold onto to what you have accomplished even while you grieve what you may be or are losing. Blessings on you...