Idiotic Me

Been drinking, taking waaay beyond the right amount of certain meds, re-planning some bad stuff and having thoughts of SI again. So much was going better, then bam! I just started feeling worse. I'm hanging on for a family event, but then what? I know I'm doing stupid stuff but I can't seem to convince myself that it matters to take care of myself. I feel like I'm not worth it and that in a few weeks when I can stop being strong for my family I'll also stop being strong for me.

I wanted to get together with a friend tonight but couldn't and now I'm way more sad about it than I should be--cried when it's not even my normal depression mode. A friend I can usually call needs to take care of herself right now and I'm home alone wishing I could disappear. Stupid, huh?

im sorry you are going through this, maybe you need to find something else to focus on to give you strengh,i know its hard to see positive when your feeling so bad, maybe being nice your self

(((((((((((((tumnus)))))))))))))

((((((((((((((tumnus))))))))))

i'm sorry that you are feeling so badly. and i certainly don't want you to "disappear" but the depression does make us feel that way.
"taking waaay beyond the right amount of meds and drinking" to quote you may have brought on this feeling of depression you are having, imho. at the least it could be contributing to the depression. you may already be aware of that phenomenom.
do you know why you are over-medicating and drinking?
no, you are not stupid. but depression makes us feel that we are worthless sometimes. can you call your T or pdoc? it may help to let him/her be aware of what's going on with you. there may be solutions to help you.
hope you feel better real soon.

I do know that drinking and overmedicating make things worse. I'm taking some good steps today to be healthy (walking witha friend for instance). I'm not sure why I've gone this route. It's not really like me. I think I'm looking for something to change the way I feel even if it's for the worse because I'm sick of having been treated intensively over the last year since my suicide attempt with very little improvement or change. Some days I just get sick of fighting. More days than not lately. At the same time, I don't want to fully give up either. It's a weird place to be. My T and pdoc are kinda useless over the phone. That's the one thing I don't like about them. I wish I had someone qualifiied who I could call when I get down and kinda out of control but I don't have anyone.

Have you tried getting on Support Chat when you are feeling out of control or really distressed?

maybe you could also look for crisis lines,
I've done some things that aren't like me at all and dont seem under my control. I never drink - but when I was a certain way ended up getting drunk...
what might help is using some grounding methods to remind yourself who you are, where you are, and why you dont want to do these things.
Some ways to ground are to describe the place around you, to remind you where you are, and to try to ground yourself in the present time. Write up a list of why it is bad to drink too much or have these pills and have it in a spot right next to the pills and the bottles, if possible. That way, before you get to them you have a reminder, it might not work but it's worth a shot.
As far as the grounding, try to describe with as many senses as possible.
If i were going to do that right now, I'd say:
I'm in a room with lots of computers lined up in two rows. There are white walls. I am slightly cold. I don't really smell anything. It is slightly dark. The keys on the keyboard aren't quite smooth; there's texture to them. I hear a slight hum from the computers but otherwise it's quiet. I'd continue with more details if possible.
The above description includes sight, smell, touch, and hearing... get as many sensed in there as you can. This kind of grounding is a practiced skill, but maybe give it a try, it might match what you're dealing with.

You can also, repeat something you make up foryourself... that list of why you shouldn't "I don't like ot have this many meds because 1.2.3. etc???

just thoughts

*hugs* hang in there

((((((((((((((((( tumnus )))))))))))))))))