[Taonuviel]

i'm overwhelmed in my coursework and getting to the point where i don't have the motivation to even try because i figure it won't matter anyway, since i don't think i'm going to "make it" which just leaves me more thinking of "not making it"... trying seems so pointless... i don't know how to face this and stop this progression but i think even if i did it would be pointless and i feel so conflicted about everything... i have no real options and maybe that's what i really want anyway... to reach that place i've been expecting with nothing left to do but die... and that's at least partly true... i really do want to die, and i'm afraid of facing anything more, of trying to move forward to be turned down and pathetic... maybe i'm just too lazy and pathetic to face whatever i need to do... which i don't even know what is... ugh. i hate myself, and i hate being this way, and i just want it all to end.

[nowheretorun]

Tao that is not a very good place to be in and i know it is a part of you that is deceiving the part of you that has a will to keep on moving.. take breaks as needed and i know this can pass for you.. when the going gets so difficult that we are gritting our teeth and spilling from inside with fear, pain, doubt and self torment it is very difficult to see the light but know that it is always there and you can reach it in your own good time..

[Puffyprue]

((((((((((((tao)))))))))))))

[turquoisesea]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((taonuviel)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Work = stress = ASDGKHAF;DJSAF;LKJDSAF;

allow yourself the breaks you need - and try to make those breaks mental ones as well. For me, when i would take a break I would be ANGRY at myself for taking a break, making things work. Please try not to be.

[pegasus]

(((((((((( Tao )))))))))))

Might be an idea to write out a list of options. They say not to make massive decisions when feeling depressed but it looks like you need some sort of relief.

As I see it, is there a way to lighten the load with the work? Would it be helpful to talk with your lecturers/teachers? Does our T have any ideas? If you dropped out completely could it be picked up at a later date? Could you take a year off?

You don't have to answer these questions here, I've just dropped them in for you to think about.

[turquoisesea]

Originally Posted by pegasus

(((((((((( Tao )))))))))))

Might be an idea to write out a list of options. They say not to make massive decisions when feeling depressed but it looks like you need some sort of relief.

As I see it, is there a way to lighten the load with the work? Would it be helpful to talk with your lecturers/teachers? Does our T have any ideas? If you dropped out completely could it be picked up at a later date? Could you take a year off?

You don't have to answer these questions here, I've just dropped them in for you to think about.

[Taonuviel]

options... well, i can maybe pull it together to graduate, at which point i would have to either find a job or get into grad school - either of which would be very difficult. if i don't manage to graduate this semester then i could continue a couple more semesters - which i may need to do anyway to prep for grad school - but is dependent upon obtaining financial aid again - another factor in going straight to grad school. or i could get out of school for now, but this would be very unhealthy... i cannot get a simple job between the economy and my physical/psychological problems, which would leave me home and even more isolated all the time, and would end in hospitalization and/or death.

it's like i'm two people. one negative, dark, hopeless and defensive. the other creative, intelligent, idealistic, compassionate and with a spark for learning. the first is my normal state, the second is awakened, rarely, through some sparked interest. i know the first is caused by a few things, and the chemical component is apparently not going to be treated by anything i have access to. so what would it take for this to be bearable, manageable? i think i'd need supportive companionship. i feel dead from isolation... it's horrible.

but what would it take for me to find this? well, i would either need some very proactive person to step into my life and seek me out in which case i would only need to work on my fear surrounding getting close to someone for the first time. but that's rather unlikely; what i'd really probably need to do in addition to getting over the fear is somehow go against every bit of myself in changing socially - in some manner which i cannot yet fathom and my t has yet to have ideas on - so i can speak and get to know people. but if this would be possible for me at any time, now is the worst i can think of, but i'm pretty sure it's this or... yeah. do or die. and it all feels like way to much to try to do all at once... but i don't have a choice.

totally overwhelmed.

[Taonuviel]

mmrrummffphhh. really anxious and tired... confused and overwhelmed. i have an awful head/neck/backache and forgot to carry my pain killers today... and i'm concerned about my symptoms... have nagging fears.

some people talk like they think i'm not really trying on this... ugh! (elsewhere) that bothers me... gets me teary. i know i'm honestly putting everything i can into it... which is sometimes about nothing... which seems like i'm not trying, but i'm doing my best... i hate people thinking i'm not being real. dunno why it bothers me so much... and i'm kinda rambling.

i read over my last post and it looks so... negative and unobjective. but it really was as real and objective as i could be and as i could assess the situation... which is unfortunate.

maybe i shouldn't post when i'm disorganized, confused, tired and pained... i ramble. but i feel like i need to... i feel really very needy. maybe that's not so bad to be needy... i think i have good reason to feel this way... maybe.

meh.

[PLEASE_STOP]

Please don't say you want to die. I feel horrible too, but it has to pass...it MUST pass. There's so much to live for. I was in the house for 2 weeks until this morning. I kicked myself in the butt and look at what I did:
http://forums.psychcentral.com/showp...17&postcount=7

Please feel better!

[nowheretorun]

hi Tao, i sense that you are very sincere in your postings here.. i can sense a rythmic cycle in your ups and downs that isnt present from those posters who either cycle only in one area, never rising or falling, or swing wildly from high to low.. yours is a cycle which is in response to life events that you are clearly able to describe and explain, which would naturally produce some sort of high or low phase.. (for example, tense at test times, low at family gatherings, etc..)

someone who is 'pretending' would be incapable of maintaining anyones trust for a great length of time..

PC is to share and heal, as you obviously are on track towards...

i pray you soon feel relief

[justfloating]

Just going out the door so I don't have a lot of time to post, but I wanted to let you know that you're not alone and I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. Lots of hugs. Know that you're cared for. I'm sending you good vibes!