[Kruzmissile]

All of last night, I couln't sleep because of this horrible, severe depression and its not the first time this happened. Over many years, I've tried conventional therapy, at least 10 different medications and nothing works for me except marijuana. Believe me, if I still had any left, this emotional pain and anxiety wouldn't be hurting me so much. Finding a job would be nice so I can buy more and other things that I need but every place I've tried never has anything available. Whenever I'm out of ways to keep busy, I'll have nothing to do but break down and wish that I was never born... sulking away from the past and everything else that weighs on me so much. Nobody ever seems to care but maybe its just me thinking that because I bottle up my emotions so much that nobody really knows how I feel. My mind has been so clouded and I don't have many ways of getting my true feelings out to anyone. I currently live on my own now but even when I was still living at home, its hard to talk to my family about certain things and I don't have any friends because of my trouble trusting people, and I guess all this exploding anger from my misery doesn't help attract anyone to me very much either... almost all the time, I feel so lonely and sad that I think of dying because nobody should have to live like this. The good thing is I've never acted on it and hopefully never will but my ex girlfriend dumping me after a year and a half makes it so much worse, and the fact after we made all these plans together, she leaves me over something thats totally fixable acting like stuff was all my fault. I miss her alot because she was my first and one of the only people I ever really opened up to... now, I'm lost. Her being with someone else now kills me and theres times when I really want to make her suffer but then theres times I just want to live in peace and hold her again because there was nothing more I looked forward to waking up everyday. In general, I just feel so unloved and hate my life that lately, I haven't done much but cry and sleep because I don't what else to do with myself when I have no motivation from these disabling mental illnesses. I guess it could be worse but this suffering has taken its toll on me and its hard for me to stay strong when I don't have anything or anyone to lean on. Praying works sometimes and I try not to lose faith in God but one little thing can set me off before any progress I've made goes out the window. Please help me feel better... anyone.

[Rohag]

Hi, Kruzmissile!

I've never been any good at helping people feel better. Hopefully someone with the right words will post, or maybe you'll find the right thread or article to help you.

You're dealing with several biggies all at once: unemployment, relationship loss, anger, loneliness, treatment-resistant depression, and who knows what else. On top of all that you're trying to sustain your faith, too. Wow.

Check the PsychCentral homepage for a recent article by Therese J. Borchard, "8 Steps to Closure When a Friendship Ends." It has some ideas on surviving the end of a relationship.

I wish you the very best.

[trevorzero]

The thing that you don't want to do is the thing that you really desperately need to do - open up fully to the people around you in the real world.

Denying people the chance to get to know the "real you" is actually showing contempt for them. There are a lot of decent people who you encounter every day who would be happy for the chance to show kindness and concern for you.

Let them in. Let yourself out.

[manekineko]

Hi Kruzmissile. I'm really sorry to hear that you're having such a difficult time right now. I doubt my words will make you feel better, but you should know that I, as well as everyone else on these forums, care.

Are you still seeing a psychologist/pscyhiatrist? If you are, you should definitely let them know what you said in your post here and that you'd like to ramp up the treatment. I've online that there are other treatment methods for depression if medications don't seem to work. Also, definitely let your psychologist know that you're using marijuana. It may effect how your anti-depressants work.

I can really relate to your feelings after being dumped by your girlfriend. I was also dumped by my first love after 3 and 1/2 years. We also had plans... marriage, live together after college, etc. etc. After he dumped me, I became very depressed for nearly 2 years. None of the medications my psychiatrist tried seemed to help. Finally, I guess I just gradually became numb to the pain and was able to move on. I dated new people and had new relationships. Eventually, you will do the same. But, in the meantime, it's ok to feel devastated.

You said that you're trying to keep your faith during these rough times... I think that’s great and something you should really focus on. I also think that you should try to open up to some of the members of your church or the pastor/priest. I find that some of the easiest people to open up to are people who are very strong in their faith.

I hope things get better for you. Don’t hesitate to post here or even drop me a private message.

[Kruzmissile]

No, I'm not in therapy anymore because it doesn't work. All I really did there was get stuff off my chest and I would only feel better for the rest of the day I was there, plus the sessions aren't even an hour long anymore because of some new BS insurance policy that changed it to 45 minutes and thats another reason why its not worth the money. I've been on several medications and no, I'm currently not on any right now. Those are also expensive and did nothing for me except give me crappy side effects such as loss of appetite, mood swings, irritability, stomach aches, headaches, and even if my mood was stabilized, I felt more dead inside and almost to the point of wanting to end myself. Each pill I've been on was for at least 6 months at a time, adjusting the dosage and whatnot to see if it would help. None of it has.

Smoking weed on the other hand is a mood stimulator for me and has worked far better than any of those anti-depressants ever have and no, I've never used both of them at the same time because of how deadly the combination of those psychoactive substances can be. Besides severe anger and depression, I also have to cope with ADD/ADHD, OCD and general anxiety. Rather than take all of these potentially dangerous prescription drugs that don't work for me and sometimes make my symptoms worse, I take one natural remedy that most effectively eases the pain and stress associated with all of these debilitating conditions. Unfortunately, the medical MJ law here in Michigan was just passed over a few months ago and they don't prescribe it for mental ailments like states such as California does, at least not yet. So for right now, I get it elsewhere and nothing else has made me feel this relaxed, peaceful and motivated.

It makes a great and healthier sleep aid which always clears my racing and clouded mind so that I'm better able to focus on my tasks at hand the next day. The only problem is when I run out of it and my self-esteem falls back in the gutter. Since I've been out of a job, I haven't been able to get anymore for a month now and you can imagine how hard it's been without my medicine of choice. Without this God given herbal treatment, you can imagine how much worse my conditions can become after something as hurtful as a breakup happens, to where I want revenge. Toking up, I usually end up care-free to the pains of life, not giving a rats *** so that I'm able to enjoy myself and no longer be held down by this agony. I suppose in time, I'll be over it completely as long as I keep this up and not dwell on it so much, even though the whole healing process is still very hard to get through. I guess starting out with opening up to people in a youth group at church might be a good idea... school and finding a job though are my biggest priorites right now so I don't know if I'll have the time. One way or another though, I need to fill this empty void in my life.

Thanks for the support guys. I appreciate anymore replies.

[maddie01]

Originally Posted by Kruzmissile

All of last night, I couln't sleep because of this horrible, severe depression and its not the first time this happened. Over many years, I've tried conventional therapy, at least 10 different medications and nothing works for me except marijuana. Believe me, if I still had any left, this emotional pain and anxiety wouldn't be hurting me so much. Finding a job would be nice so I can buy more and other things that I need but every place I've tried never has anything available. Whenever I'm out of ways to keep busy, I'll have nothing to do but break down and wish that I was never born... sulking away from the past and everything else that weighs on me so much. Nobody ever seems to care but maybe its just me thinking that because I bottle up my emotions so much that nobody really knows how I feel. My mind has been so clouded and I don't have many ways of getting my true feelings out to anyone. I currently live on my own now but even when I was still living at home, its hard to talk to my family about certain things and I don't have any friends because of my trouble trusting people, and I guess all this exploding anger from my misery doesn't help attract anyone to me very much either... almost all the time, I feel so lonely and sad that I think of dying because nobody should have to live like this. The good thing is I've never acted on it and hopefully never will but my ex girlfriend dumping me after a year and a half makes it so much worse, and the fact after we made all these plans together, she leaves me over something thats totally fixable acting like stuff was all my fault. I miss her alot because she was my first and one of the only people I ever really opened up to... now, I'm lost. Her being with someone else now kills me and theres times when I really want to make her suffer but then theres times I just want to live in peace and hold her again because there was nothing more I looked forward to waking up everyday. In general, I just feel so unloved and hate my life that lately, I haven't done much but cry and sleep because I don't what else to do with myself when I have no motivation from these disabling mental illnesses. I guess it could be worse but this suffering has taken its toll on me and its hard for me to stay strong when I don't have anything or anyone to lean on. Praying works sometimes and I try not to lose faith in God but one little thing can set me off before any progress I've made goes out the window. Please help me feel better... anyone.

I really believe that it's impossible to think or will your way out of depression. Depression is a result of a biochemical imbalance in the brain. There are some great medications out there and you should really see a doctor and get treatment as soon as possible. Meds have done wonders for me and without them, I wouldn't be here today. I've wanted to be dead many times but I've slowly recovered with the help of these medications. Please see someone and get help.

[Kruzmissile]

Maybe they worked for you but I've already been through all that, and the chemicals in some of these meds have actually made me want to end myself. You guys should read my last post for more info.

[justfloating]

I can relate to a lot of points in your post. I tend to bury a lot of my feelings, I have a very hard time opening up to people, and after the end of a relationship I spiralled into such a bad place that I couldn't function at all anymore. I can understand the hopelessness of meds not working, of being frustrated by therapy, of feeling like it's all so pointless and impossible and nothing is ever going to help.

I don't really have any advice except to persevere. I'm on meds and seeing a counsellor, and it took everything I had to continue with both those routes. I agree with maddie that depression isn't going to be beaten by willpower or positive thinking (although those are important parts of the healing process), it really does need professional care. If you think that the meds are not a good or safe route for you, maybe it might be a good idea to consider hospitalization -- where even if the meds make you worse you'll be closely monitored in a safe environment -- or other forms of treatment like ECT. One of the problems with depression is that it tends to make us stubborn, because it makes us believe that there is absolutely no hope and nothing is ever going to help. You're just going to have to turn that stubborness against the depression rather than letting it work alongside the depression, which I know is scary and huge and a whole lot easier said than done. But it is possible to feel better than you're feeling right now, I promise. Unfortunately, it just might take you a little more time and creativity than some other people.

Good luck

you need to get your feelings out pm me anytime if you need to talk i care

[shar73]

Hi Kruz,

Me again. I have reread your post and the others left by the by others.

There is a lot of different advice there isn't there. I am confused myself.

It is great that you have managed to keep your suicidal thoughts at bay, that shows how strong you are, even if you don't feel it.

I have not been put on medication for my depression which i am glad of in a way. I have been referred to a counsellor but it is taking its time. Luckily Idon't have to pay for mine, its on the NHS.

I have found this site to be very helpful to me, just to get things out in the open and not to be judged on it. To be 'validated' is great. I know that this is just the first step and that I have a long way to go.

i am sorry about your girlfriend, it must be hard especially when you opened up to her. But i would like to say that there are many people on here who would like to help you to get through the bad days ahead.

I too bottled it up for a long time, thirty years, Iam 35. even now I do it. The only one outside my family who knows I have depression is my boss who has been brilliant. He says I am a master at masking it.

If you want to talk any further please do not hesitate to contact me either by post or pm. Anytime. Obviously there is a time difference but I am on here every night so I will reply as soon as.

Big Hugs