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#1
Apr 22, 2009, 03:22 AM
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I am missing class. Again. And I'm probably not going to make the one I have in two hours either. I feel so bad. I feel so lazy. I could pass this off as depression but I can't see where the depression ends and my laziness begins. I can talk myself in circles. I'm depressed, it's okay if I need some down time. But I feel better about myself when I don't take the down time, and I've done it before so I should be able to get up and go again. I should be able to fight this off, but I can't be bothered. I'm just SO TIRED. I can't tell if it's depression or exhaustion anymore -- I have so much work to do, I don't sleep, which makes me tired, which puts me in a bad mood, which opens me up to the depression, which makes me more tired, which makes me put off work, which means I have to give up sleep to do that work ...
We have a stupid rule here -- miss three classes, and you can't take your exams (which basically means you fail). I've already been excluded from that rule -- there's no way someone with depression could ever handle missing less than three classes in a semester -- so my department knows I'm having health problems that mess with my attendence. When they eventually check the attendence records at the end of the semester I'm very likely to get an email from the head of my department once they realize how much time I've actually missed, and then it'll probably turn into a lot of meetings/emails to sort it out, which I'm not looking forward to. But what they don't know is that I could be trying harder. I could be fighting harder. I just don't want to. I'm too lazy and I don't care enough to be bothered. The only thing that gets me to go to class most days is guilt and the fear that my tutors are going to hate me and think I'm just being lazy for never showing up (which I am, so I wouldn't blame them). The depression isn't nearly as bad as it was -- I COULD get up, I just don't want to. Why don't I want to? What is wrong with me? I HATE this. I hate myself for giving in. I hate myself for not having the willpower to go to class. Every little thing defeats me. Today's reason for not turning up to class is that I have to have a shower before I leave, and it's going to take me a good hour before I feel remotely ready to haul myself into the shower. I have been defeated by my inability to get into the shower. I'm pathetic. Ugh.
__________________
Rebecca "If you're going through hell -- keep going." - Winston Churchill It's better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else's life with perfection. - Elizabeth Gilbert Bring on the wonder, we got it all wrong, we pushed you down deep in our souls, so hang on. Bring on the wonder, bring on the song, I pushed you down deep in my soul for too long. - Susan Enan http://igetupagain.wordpress.com/ |
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#2
Apr 22, 2009, 04:37 AM
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__________________
As long as people aren't asking me if i'm all right, i am alright. |
 justfloating
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#3
Apr 22, 2009, 08:52 AM
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I could have written your post myself. So close are my problems with this to yours. I suspect your reaction really is depression mixed with a feeling of resentment for having to study something you have no real interest in. People say just go to class and everything would be okay. All they do is make you feel more guilty and you resist even more. Wish I could give you advice on this, but I am literally stuck in the same position. Do not give up trying we will make it.
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| justfloating
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#4
Apr 22, 2009, 09:28 AM
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((((((((((justfloating)))))))))
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| justfloating
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#5
Apr 23, 2009, 05:38 PM
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 ((((((((((((((((( justfloating )))))))))))))))))
__________________
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| justfloating
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#6
Apr 23, 2009, 06:05 PM
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ARGHHHHHHHHHHH... I have an 1800 word essay due tomorrow that I have barely started. I can't get organized. I can't get myself to care. I can't concentrate. I can't THINK STRAIGHT. I just want to lie here and stare at the ceiling 'til I fall asleep but I don't have TIME. I don't have TIME to be depressed!!!!!! Why can't I get myself into gear? Why can't I just WRITE this stupid thing?! I've got all the information I need, why can't I just sit down and DO THIS?! AAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
     
__________________
Rebecca "If you're going through hell -- keep going." - Winston Churchill It's better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else's life with perfection. - Elizabeth Gilbert Bring on the wonder, we got it all wrong, we pushed you down deep in our souls, so hang on. Bring on the wonder, bring on the song, I pushed you down deep in my soul for too long. - Susan Enan http://igetupagain.wordpress.com/ |
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#7
Apr 23, 2009, 07:11 PM
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Quote:
You are fighting. You are trying very very hard. "inability to shower" - what part of that is laziness? that shows you WANTED to shower but COULDN'T  As far as the paper, try to take it one step at a time. Papers are hard for everyone and it's even harder when depressed. I'm thinking of you... and sending TONS of hugs
__________________
 Yesterday I was so clever, so I want to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself. |
| justfloating
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#8
Apr 23, 2009, 08:28 PM
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I feel the same way ALOT of the time. Today I just could not manage to get my self showered and dressed to go anywhere. For me it's more anxiety then depression, but depression is always mixed in there somewhere. Keep trying is all you can do.
__________________
I'm here to deal with my "issues". 
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| justfloating
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