i split this off from the other thread because i didn't want to take away from the original poster's needs with my own.

Re: abnormal eeg and did?
"Description: No sedation was used and no sleep obtained. It is a moderate voltage recording with a basic 7 per second activity. On pp. 490; 503 and 513 there are some higher voltage bursts. Hyperventilation was done fairly well with constant urging and produces some higher voltage 3 to 4 per second waves bi-temporal, maximal right. No mental activity was attempted and photic stimulation produces some higher voltage bursts at 15 flashes.

Impression: Dys. grade 1 bi-temporal. There does seem to be a preponderance of high voltage slow waves from R temporal and parietal areas. This is an abnormal record."

Reaction: None--no diagnosis made, no treatment recommendation made, no follow up made.

This was an eeg done when i was five years old. i was referred by a pediatric specialist to a neuropsychologist to rule out petit mal seizures due to a change in behavior that followed a stay in the hospital. The behavior described was staring off/seemingly out of touch with reality and shaking my head, along with perhaps more general activity and me staying up later. The hospital stay was for acute pharyngitis and a fever of 105, the cause of which i question (and can't prove). The quote is from the eeg report. The neuropsychologist actually administered the eeg yet never mentioned his own test results in any follow up letters or actions.

Miri~you asked how this made me feel...i feel confused and i've had a very hard time writing anything about this. My writing this at this very moment followed about 15 minutes of me staring at the screen with my finger in my mouth...spacing out and disconnected. Things have been "off" for me in general recently.

i guess i'm going to need to finally have someone look at this and tell me what it means because i don't know. It has been a source of great discomfort for me over the years, mainly because i felt/feel my adoptive mom wasn't telling me the whole truth and because i found it incredibly odd that no one mentioned the test results in follow up. The whole reason i saw this doc was for the test...why wouldn't it be mentioned in the follow up letter? Instead, he mentioned how bright i was and that my mom seemed to be aware of things as they pertained to me (which seemed cryptic but maybe i'm reading my own stuff into it).

What if none of what i thought happened to me happened to me? i know that's not true because of other evidence but it sure leaves me feeling even more confused...and i've had plenty of that lately.

i haven't even really processed my biological parent's wedding. i'm so good at numbing out. Another part of me (if they exist) cried out loud for a moment right after the ceremony...the momma why part.

i'm so tired of being me. Waaa, poor baby.

[turquoisesea]

I dunno anything about eeg's so I'm a bit lost in the vocab , but I'm sending hugs, and hope you can get things figured out

[Miri]

Yes, MeSo, poor dear, given with all sincerity. If it was safe and if some parts of you wanted it, some safe person should stroke your soft head and hold you. I believe everything you have said and i know you don't have "proof" but you know your truth, you can feel it. This isn't new, you can't go on for years and years about something that really isn't true, can you?
One thing I am grateful for on your behalf is that you have the report because most of time it is impossible to get records from childhood. hospitals and doctors often don't keep things for more than 10 years. You have something concrete and I really encourage you, when you are able, to have this report interpreted and have the test repeated. If you have a good family doctor who has some compassion and understanding, she/he will refer you to a specialist to do an interpretation and/or a repeat of the test. I've had that test. If you don't remember, they ask you to stay awake all night and then go early in the morning for the EEG. I think you know that means a cap and electrodes, but nothing covers your face, there are no kinds of things that restrain, the room is quiet and lighting dim. There will be a technician but no one else and you might even be able to ask that a safe person remain with you. I can't see why that couldn't happen.For part of the test they flash lights at you and make you hyperventilate. That can be uncomfportable but it is only for 5 minutes. At the end they ask you to rest and try to go to sleep - I didn't, but that was still okay. Maybe others who have had this test will remember more about it than I have.
It's just something to think about. Knowing that you CAN do something, even if you don't choose to can help lower the emotional noise. You have been through a lot lately and probably have other stuff going on that you haven't talked about. Sometimes when I hear something that pertains to me I get the urge to run off and take care of it Right away. I'm learning that it's often better to take some time to think it through. Will you do that, just rest and think about it?
I am here for you, as you need or wish. You know how to find me.if safe

Originally Posted by Miri

Yes, MeSo, poor dear, given with all sincerity. If it was safe and if some parts of you wanted it, some safe person should stroke your soft head and hold you. I believe everything you have said and i know you don't have "proof" but you know your truth, you can feel it. This isn't new, you can't go on for years and years about something that really isn't true, can you?
One thing I am grateful for on your behalf is that you have the report because most of time it is impossible to get records from childhood. hospitals and doctors often don't keep things for more than 10 years. You have something concrete and I really encourage you, when you are able, to have this report interpreted and have the test repeated. If you have a good family doctor who has some compassion and understanding, she/he will refer you to a specialist to do an interpretation and/or a repeat of the test. I've had that test. If you don't remember, they ask you to stay awake all night and then go early in the morning for the EEG. I think you know that means a cap and electrodes, but nothing covers your face, there are no kinds of things that restrain, the room is quiet and lighting dim. There will be a technician but no one else and you might even be able to ask that a safe person remain with you. I can't see why that couldn't happen.For part of the test they flash lights at you and make you hyperventilate. That can be uncomfportable but it is only for 5 minutes. At the end they ask you to rest and try to go to sleep - I didn't, but that was still okay. Maybe others who have had this test will remember more about it than I have.
It's just something to think about. Knowing that you CAN do something, even if you don't choose to can help lower the emotional noise. You have been through a lot lately and probably have other stuff going on that you haven't talked about. Sometimes when I hear something that pertains to me I get the urge to run off and take care of it Right away. I'm learning that it's often better to take some time to think it through. Will you do that, just rest and think about it?
I am here for you, as you need or wish. You know how to find me.if safe

Thanks you for seeing me. i hate the "is it real" i do. i do. It's awful.

[Hunny]

MeSo:

We agree with Miri about the fact that it is amazing you have these results from when you were a child.

We will go for the results of our recent EEG soon.

Take very good care.

H.

[Miri]

Originally Posted by Hunny

MeSo:

We agree with Miri about the fact that it is amazing you have these results from when you were a child.

We will go for the results of our recent EEG soon.

Take very good care.

H.

Hunny, I hope that turns out well .. will you let us know the results? If you are able, of course. Stay safe ...

[multipixie9]

MeSo,

I have a lot of times when I doubted what had happened to me. My denial system of alters was very strong. There were times when I HAD to be able to deny what had happened because it was not safe to own the truth. My denial parts are slowly letting their guard down and admitting things did happen, even if they can't suppy the actual memories and facts. Be kind to yourself, it will help.

Leslie and her Pixies

Thank you all. It is so hard. i know i'm not alone and i thank you for that.

Yes, i was very fortunate to have obtained my medical records several years ago. They go back to when i was about two years old. i also have some records from my birth that i obtained through the state when i requested all non-identifying information during my initial search for my biological mother.

i don't remember having burns on my toes when i was two but it's in the records. It's also interesting what's not in the records. i have one of those school time albums...the kind with envelopes for report cards and annual photos and such. In kindergarten i missed 30 days of school. That's a lot for a 180 day school year. Yet there's nothing in my medical records to indicate i was sick. There's also no notation of my first gyn exam (done by my family doctor--i remember the exam)...i have strong thoughts that it was a post procedural exam disguised as a regular one.

i also obtained my post hysterectomy records. i had that done when i was 27 and it's another source of pain and confusion because i feel my decision to have it done was influenced by my past without my knowing it at the time. This post is already getting long though. i remember my GYN saying to me "there sure was a lot of scarring". This was before i remembered being abused but i remember her saying that to me and i remember looking at her face. (i have lots of moments throughout my life where something is crystalized like that.) Anyway, the records showed a partial salpendectomy (sp) which is a fancy way of saying tubal ligation. This was news to me and i still don't know what that came from. The forced procedure i had done in the mid seventies i wouldn't think would be sophisticated enough. i had several laparoscopic surgeries as an adult...did the doctor have an accident and not tell me? UGH! Too many unanswered questions!

i don't know what the purpose was of saying any of that. Sometimes i just want to run screaming down the middle of the road, ya know?

[Hunny]

MeSo,

I hear those 'screams' and yeah, if I was with you, I'd be running right along side you screaming on your behalf too and partly on my behalf.

I have these certain pieces of memories, some recently confirmed by various ones. Hold on to us here MeSo. Hold on.

Miri,

We had numerous physical tests. MRI, EEG, Spect, Blood tests. We think there may be some validity to some of the results but as in another post we have questions about the parts having different results. It the technician doesn't know to ask, how could they possibly know what part carries what. Anyway, trying to keep an open mind here.

H.

RASSA FRASSA FN SOB @#$&*$!
SECOND time in two days i've completely lost a post. WTH forces are conspiring against me??!! BS

ARGH!!!

OK, cuz i made the effort earlier, i'll again compress what i wanted to say. HOWCOME I FORGET SO MUCH???

Needing to consult with a gynecologist and neurologist about these two things is not new. It comes around and around only to be confusing and forgotten over and over again.

Can abuse look like a tubal? Did someone nick my fallopian tube during a surgery and not tell me? That's AWFUL! What if all my stuff is undiagnosed epilepsy? OK, so a person can be abused, have a dissociative disorder, AND have a seizure issue but WHY does everything have to be so FN hard???

If my bio mom hadn't given me up for adoption would any of this have happened? Was it destined to happen no matter where i was?

My brain is going to explode.

Puzzle pieces forming pictures depending on what other pieces they touch...only to be left on the table and forgotten. Micro string theory of the brain.

i'm tired of this!

[Miri]

Weary, yes, it makes one so weary trying to grasp what refuses to hold stil ...
FN HARD!!! Yes. My T used to try to tell me to live with the ambivalence - let her try living with it! Sometimes when it got very, very hard, she would say dissociate from it. But it keeps popping back up, like beach ball that you try to hold under the water.
So, my dear MeSo, could an infection have caused scar tissue on your Fallopian tube? Sorry, I hope I'm not adding another layer, but maybe that would be a bit easier to handle than considering some of your other thoughts.
If you need to keep talking about this, just keep it coming as long as you need to. if safe

It's not another layer and no worries. i've thought of this too. The post surgery pathologist is the one that reported on the tubal. i tend to think he'd know the difference but it is something i need to ask along with all my other questions. i left it too late to know what the gyn was getting at after my surgery re: scarring...i can't find her now. i don't know what type of scarring is typical of endometriosis vs. abuse vs. the forced thing that happened to me at 12/13. All good questions. It goes on and on and on and on...

[Hunny]

It's just really so much...

So we just want to not be in denial and to comfort at same time while we, maybe, figure the things out...or not...

Wish we had some nice picture to put in here but we have no button for it. Sorry. Trying not to numb out here.

Perphaps this little figure will do for now...

Hunny

i did luck out with getting the records i do have. i had that eeg when i had just turned five and then i had another one about 12 years ago but left it too long to get a copy. When PCs were newer, people had records longer than they legally needed to cuz they were stored in warehouses. Now that personal computers have been around a long time, there are few hard copies and computer copies are purged more regularly.

i think i mentioned here before how about 12 years ago i had a bunch of neurological symptoms that were eventually explained as ptsd. i had muscle spasms in my arms and legs, i had these big seizure like feelings inside with no outward signs, and one side of my face went numb. If i was up all night writing a paper, the next day i had trouble walking and poor gross motor control (i might take a step in the air a few times before actually being able to plant my foot). Most of those symptoms went away on their own but i still have gross motor problems if i go more than one day without sleep. Anyway, i remember the neurologist mentioning something showed up on the eeg but that it was nothing he was going to treat (and added "with medicines" as if i was a drug seeker).

i'll talk to my ARNP. She used to be a maternity nurse/birthing assistant so she might have some insight on part of it but is a pretty cool lady and would likely help me find the right person to talk to. i really despise the neurologists around here. i've seen a few and they all seem to be pompous, sexist men. There there little girl. F.U.!