I tried a couple yrs back, and many times before that, to call a truce between my sister (18 mos younger and one of my primary abusers).
Each time she slammed the door in my face and wanted nothing to do with any kind of reconciliation, forgiveness or truce. So I said I would not make any more attempts unless she made contact first.

Sunday night she called. She will be in the area and wants to get together.
The phone conversation went really well--she's been in treatment (i don't know for sure what for) and is on meds for depression and anxiety. She sounded good and not the snappy poor me person she has sounded like before.

Thinking it might be a good idea to see her.
T thinking not
insiders thinking not
H thinking i need a plan B to get out of there if we have to.
T says it a big deal-I don't see it as such, but then I am the logical, detached, can handle anything voice.

Insiders are going into panic and anxiety mode.
Having flashbacks and memories of her abuse toward us that are continuous, vivid and disturbing...like everyone that was hurt by her wants me to see what she did and feel the pain......

T says to let everyone "log in" and write or draw or whatever so she can hear them and what they are saying. And so can I. NO shutting them down, putting them in a room or ignoring them or not listening.

The sister is coming to the area next week.
haven't picked a day yet to meet but will most likely be either next Tues or Thurs--only 2 days I have free.

Not sure what I need here...
Haven't even seen her yet and everyone is already scared.
I'm afraid of AFTER we see her......what about triggers or something.....
Feels like "When Worlds Collide"

just be careful

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((white_iris))))

Hearing what you are saying and knowing the fear you speak of about family. Just take care of you. It is a good idea to have a plan B to be able to get away and get out if you need to. Seems we are attached to our family in ways we cannot help. When my sister calls it seems I can get sucked back really easily too.

Know that you do have a choice. If you set something up with her--you do have the chose to back down and decide you cannot do it. That is no bad reflection on you. You are the important one here and taking care of you is what is important. You have to stand up for you and take care of you.

If you do decide not to see her as the time gets closer--remember you are not doing anything wrong--and it does not make you bad. If you do decide to see her and after wards it is hard, you do deserve to be heard and comforted. It is hard to make those decisions. You hope and wish that someone in your family would understand and believe you. That they would validate you.

Just remember that taking care of yourself comes first. Be kind to yourself and listen to you. Only you can make the decision but know that we are here for you and will be here no matter what you decide. Remember to breath and to know that you have a choice. We are here and we do care.

dps

[DLHsSystm]

We are here for you too. I hope it will be a positive experience in some way.
Deb51

[JudeeB]

In my therapy and recovery experiences reconcilliation does not come until after we've faced the hurt, dealt with the anger and pain and gone through the process of forgiveness. And even when all that has been done a decision has to be made if the person is at all safe.

You and the system don't sound anywhere near ready in my opinion.

Why the rush? Why now?

A list of the potential benefits VS a list of the potential harm might be a place to start. I found it is never wise to skip steps in the process of healing.

Just my opinion, take what ya want and leave the rest.

Thanks Judee--I really hear what you are saying. It's a process and yet, I can't keep holding onto the "past"---insiders sure want to.

Why now?--because she lives quite far away and will be in my area next week. She made contact with me and asked me to see her at the hotel she is staying at. She will be with her grandchildren as son and DIL will be at a conference.

Up till now I thought we (insiders) have dealt with the whole messy thing. I am quite sure I can deal with her because she too has been abused and also has had to deal with alot of c**p. I can be empathetic. Insiders are not. They see her as she was "then".... I want to move on. I want to at least have a truce with her.... not be her "best friend" or anything like that, but to try and at least be able to bring things into the present ----- and if the she is working on recovery I think she at least deserves a chance. If not and she proves to be the "same" as she was before, then I can close the book. she is physically unable to harm me ---not sure about the emotional/psychological stuff (which she was soooo very good at).

letting insiders voice their fears, concerns, feelings etc.

I am ever the optimist.

[blue cloud]

if it gets too confusing, put it aside---close your eyes and breathe----enlightenment will come.
Try again but with your own rules

[turquoisesea]

I wanted to wish you good luck. Everyone's given you good advice. Let us know how it goes

[Hunny]

White_Iris:

Can your littles post in the Garden this week?

As mentioned it is your call but there does seem to be some pressue from her end of things. I kind of like the serenity prayer on this one...where it says...the wisdom to know the difference.

Here is an article from this week's PC newsletter that I thought was pretty good too.

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archive...sanity-tricks/

We opened 'pandora's box' with our sister, after many years of not being connected and had to quickly shut it after a year due to her denial and vindictiveness. The pain caused by those not addressing their addictions is real and even if they are in recovery, which mine isn't, I have to take care of me first.

Hope this helps White_Iris even to give you words.

Hunny

It's going over the top right now.
Panic, fear--more like terror---, anger.....
Insiders talking all at one time.
T talked to Marie--she's 13---fear and terror of sister and a couple of really horrible things sister did.
vicki's anger has been stirred up.
naomi is fighting to stay safe.
I am somewhere between reasurring them that it is now and everyone is safe and H and T and good friend B will not let anything happen to them.
Friend B even said she would go with me to see sister.
Pictures and memories won't stop flooding.
T is concerned.
B is concerned.
H is away today and I can't call him.

I will take a xanax and take a nap.
Hope it will settle a bit.
Doing all the "right stuff" and using much energy to keep the system safe.
How can one phone call upset the apple cart and send everyone inside spinning out of control??????
Damn!!!!!!!!!

[Fuzzybear]

Much of this is familiar to me - the feelings anyway. I wish you luck

think today i'm doing better--so far

It's really amazing what one phone call can do.... I like what the others here have said...if it is too much, leave it. I also opened a pandora's box with my brother and sil. I hope what ever you decide to do makes you feel calm and at peace. We're here if you need to talk.

[multipixie9]

I just want to say that I think you need to closely listen to the insiders. I went through this one time when my brother was coming to town and I invited him to stay and it was before I knew I was split and things went totally ballistic inside my mind and I flipped out and finally decided I had to not allow him to come to my home. I had two small daughters and I just could not take a chance with their safety.

This is just my experience but when I let it go and politely rescinded the plan it all got quiet inside and I calmed down a whole lot. I was terrified and he was not even on of the worst abusers.

Honestly, I wish I had listened to my insides more often in my life. It took me such a long time to trust them, protect them and listen closely to them. Now I do, they deserve that from me.

This is how I feel about what you brought up. I just want you and your insiders to be safe. I still have some people in my past that I just can not and will not have meetings with them. I am willing to forgive, I will not put any vulnerable parts of me in danger again. I personally put too many of us in harms way too many times. My host who had less memory and less bad feelings was eager to forgive and restore and sometimes did not act protectively enough for our safety as a whole system of alts.

Here's hoping for what is best for all of you!!!!

Leslie and Pixies