just a mess. *may trigger dont really know*

Had a really rough time at T today. Feel a mess. we talked about my family and my lack of self esteem and did an exercise for building my esteem. I have to do a writing project that we will go over next week. it pains me to work on self esteem. it eats me up. all my life i have been this left over not really worth anything. my parents did not want me and that i know as i was told so growing up. when i was 21 he told me flat out that if my brother had been born first i would never have been born. I was never allowed to cry or accepted the way that i am. my family does not know that i am gay and if they did they would probley dissown me. all this junk got dreged up today and i just want it to go away. as long as i dont think about me the better off i am. right now i just want to be numb. i have a writting assignment to work on and it is hard cuase i am not used to saying nice things about me. other people say nice stuff but i always think if they really knew the real me they would think different. it physically hurts to think nice things about myself. i just want to hide. my parents say they are proud of me but they always attach something great about my brother or his wife. I cant win just a bit of praise that is all my own. and even if i did i would not know what to do with it. i feel a need to punish myself and dont know why. i want to si and do what ever just to be numb. i just cant do this.

sorry to ramble
diana

((((((Diana))))))
I hear you-----
Nice things are hard to accept especially if have to be said about self.
When our T gives an assignment we start really tiny baby steps into it.
Do some relaxation first---breathe.
We will sit with you as you struggle thru it.
I can start you off:
I am beginning to express my needs.

Diana:

I know exactly how you feel. I don't like working on my self esteem either. My family doesn't like me because I am working on my stuff and they don't like the fact that I am gay. I understand how you feel. I don't like it when people say nice things about me because I think "if they knew the true me they won't say anything and would run away screaming." I hope you don't hurt yourself. You are such a special person and I won't run screaming from you.

Just take a deep breath and relax (I know that is easier to say then do but try your best )

Pooh

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((DianasClan))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((( DianasClan )))))))))))))))

((((((((((((DianasClan)))))))))))) I'm so sorry you are struggling. I remember one time when T and I tried to come up with positive things that I could accept about myself. It was very difficult. We finally came up with things like, I have a sense of humor (I couldn't accept it as a good sense of humor), I care about about children, I tell the truth, etc. Maybe start out with non negatives first? Some of the things I finally accepted were neither negative or positive. They were more non threatening. And it helped me.

(((((((((((DC))))))))))))))))))))
(Yeston)Erik

I feel a bit better today. but that is really a relative statement. I have been down most of the day and in a very i dont care mode. I just kinda bumped through work and didnt really do anything. I left it mostly up to the other lead i was with. She did most of the lead work and i just filled in where ever she needed me to go. Some parts of the day I think someone else was around besides just me and to be honest i didnt care. I am hoping tomorrow will be better but dont really know.

I just want to say thanks for the advice and hugs. They are very much appriciated.

Diana

(((Dianas Clan))) I hear you about the hurt of not getting the validation and praise you deserve. I can't/ won't work on self esteem in t yet. I hope you feel good about the fact you CAN work on it, though it is so hard. I'm sorry you hurt.

Hi Diana, there's something I was wondering about. I think I hear you saying you have difficulty with two different things: saying (or, I guess, thinking) nice things about yourself; and getting your parents to acknowledge you without comparing or qualifying. Have you looked any more closely at how those might be connected?

The image I get from "cant win just a bit of praise" is of you and your parents locked into some kind of game where the object is for them to avoid praising you -- if you ever get them to, you score and they lose. Is that just me, or do you think that is how they see it (and/or how you do)?

Here's the part I snipped out of the middle because I wanted to ask you about it separately: It sounds as if you're protecting yourself from something. What do you suppose would happen if you were to ignore the warning signs ("it physically hurts") and not hide?

Best wishes,
FooZe