[kris9999]

But I don't believe I have it. I'm sure a lot of people don't believe they have it as well but I'm pretty sure I don't.
First not much of my time is blacked out. I have only 2 instances where this "blackout" lasted longer than a couple minutes. Once I was drinking and the other time I was sick apparently crawling on the floor screaming that I was going to die. I don't remember but like one second here or there, like small short flashes from that night. A flash on the floor, a flash in the bathroom, a flash in the ambulance, a flash at the hospital. Once I left the hospital though almost as soon as I walked out the door my memory began again. This lasted about 5 hours. The first one lasted about 8 hours and for the life of me I can't remember one second from that night.
Than there are short ones that last a minute or two. Like when I'm driving I'll be leaving the store or something and the last thing I will remember is being in the parking lot than I'm driving and almost home already. It happens mostly when I'm driving. Than when I was diagnosed it was after my mom took me to the doc for only one small reason
All I know is I was walking down the hall at my old house when I was 15 and I heard my mom yell "What did you say to me?!?!" but I didn't know I had said anything. Apparently I told my mom to "go f...." herself. I seriously don't remember that. A few times when I was 15 something happened like that where people said I had said something but I didn't. I thought they were just trying to get me into trouble.
My husband occasionally says I said something that I never did, sometimes I can remember thinking it but not saying it. I just think maybe my memory is terrible. It seems if I did have DID it wouldn't just happen occassionally and I would have other "personalities" whether I knew they were unreal or I didn't, but I sit here alone with just my daughter and husband when he gets off work and I know the whole time it's just us 3.
I do have times where I am just merely thinking something and within a second I completely forget what I was thinking about and my mind is blank. Like yesterday when I was trying to fall asleep I remember thinking about something and planning something but within a second it was gone from my memory, I had thought about that something for like 5 minutes than it was completely erased from my memory and I sat there for so long trying to remember what it was I was thinking about but just couldn't remember.
This is why I think what I have is a bad memory and not DIDs. When the doc diagnosed me with DIDs it scared my mom. Anyone ever see the movie about the guy with DIDs? I forget the name at the moment (see bad memory) but it really scared her.
Any thoughts from people who do suffer from dids?

[wanttoheal]

Is it possible that you were dissociated and not know you were missing the time? It's only recently that I am becoming aware of time lost. I guess I may have noticed it but I didn't pay attention enough to think much about it maybe. T said I was in such a dissociated state that even not dissociated, I was dissociated. Now I am starting to notice things like starting in this place and ending up in this place but before I don't think I was in my head long enough to even know that.

I used to think people were tricking me a LOT. I have such major trust issues and this just compounded it. People would say I was doing this, saying that. Saying I said I would do this, be there, etc. I argued with them to the point that a friend of mine even said that I made him start to think he was crazy because I was so adamant that it did not happen that he started to question himself.

I too have been doing something and think I am there the entire time only to find out I wasn't. I get so "proud" of myself thinking yay, I was present the whole time and then someone will talk about something that happened during that time period and I'm sitting there thinking, no, wait, what? It's frustrating. Sometimes now I can feel myself start to slip away. I think probably somewhere in my brain I could before, but I just didn't have a lot of awareness or even knowledge that whatever was happening wasn't a common day occurrence for everyone.

It might be that you just have a bad memory or it could be something more. Do you have a therapist that can help you through this?

Welcome to Psych Central

[kris9999]

Thanks for your input. I just can't imagine that there is time missing out of my day that I am unaware of. Granted I don't watch the clock very often but it seems like I am here 99% of the time. It's a bit confusing. No I don't have a therapist right now, I just moved to a different state and now that I'm here I've made an appointment for next Tuesday to see my doctor and get a referral to see a therapist. I have so many things wrong upstairs but my husband doesn't believe in mental disorders so I can't talk to him about this and he's not going to be happy that I'm seeing a therapist. Any ideas on dealing with the hubby?

[iamtwilight]

kris - i'm sorry your husband doesn't understand. can you tell him you're just going to feel it out to see if it helps? if you have DID, it's pretty likely that there's a cause of it and it needs to be fixed as soon as possible, otherwise it's going to cause trouble. it's getting kind of hard to deny that mental disorders exist these days, it's so much out in the media and all. even DID - it's gotten a lot of media attention in the past decade at least.

i, too, feel like i know and remember everything that i do, that i'm here all of the time, yet people are telling me i did something and i don't remember that. forgetting that you lost time - it's frustrating and makes me think i don't even have DID - it's mostly at times of co-consciousness (when i'm aware of the others and/or able to communicate with them) when the acceptance comes.


twilight

I have the same issue sometime when people say I said something but I don't recall anything. Mostly by people who try and wake me up or talk to me when I'm 1/2 asleep they say that I tell them not to wake me up but if they even did try I'd know about it so I think that's more of a cop out for forgetting

And yeah, I feel like I'm me the whole time, and I've always felt that way, but then I look back to times when I was young it's like I know me but in reality I can't remember anything (that has actually happened) really except for a few things.

[kris9999]

I'm not sure if I'm over thinking or under thinking all of the things that could be related. With the above mentioned I also have these periods. It's so strange. I remember them though. I just get in the I guess you would say frame of mind where I remember my past yet at the same time it doesn't feel like it is MY past. It feels like everything has happened to someone else. It feels like my life has started that second and everything that had ever happened, the good and the bad, were all someone elses memory. These thoughts last a few minutes than I move on and am back to normal. I thought this was normal but maybe I was wrong, than again maybe I am right. I just don't even know what's normal and what's not. I keep thinking that the things going on in my mind are common, but I made the same mistake when it came to the chest pain I have been experiencing. I thought it was common to have random chest pain but I was wrong and now may have something seriously wrong with my heart (still in the testing process)
I can't even trust my own judgement really any more because most of what I thought I knew was wrong. I just don't know. I don't want DID, who does? And along with my other known disorders if I got DIDs it would just be the icing of the cake that ruins me.
Thanks for all of the support and the input though. It's so nice to finally be able to talk to someone about this!

Yeah, it's so weird that everything I think is abnormal and bothering me everyone says is normal and then I find out everything I think is normal is actually not normal. I don't think any diagnosis ruins people because I diagnosis doesn't change people...it's just a label so people understand a little better what's going on. A lot of my memories I know happened to me but my life has always felt not as though I'm living it right now but is merely a reflection that I'm having on my life as an older person. I know it's me but at the same time it feels more like a book or movie then life.

Hi kris,

Welcome to PC!

You said,

I have so many things wrong upstairs but my husband doesn't believe in mental disorders so I can't talk to him about this and he's not going to be happy that I'm seeing a therapist. Any ideas on dealing with the hubby?

If you can't talk to hubby, then talk to us.

Maybe after you see the therapist and have a better idea of what's going on, hubby will be more receptive to it. Especially if you arm him with info.

I often wonder if people feel this way because they are afraid/ashamed of mental illness or they really don't believe. Hmmm.
You are not the only one here who is dealing with a non-believing spouse, btw., so people will understand.

You also said,

I just moved to a different state

Moving/relocating is a major stressor!

My T told me this when I first got into therapy. I went into therapy because my two brothers died and I wasn't coping well. But, what I didn't know was that adding to the stress was the fact that I had recently moved away, (North to South -- eye-opener!) had left a twenty-year career, and had been diagnosed with a major illness.

http://www.waystorelievestress.net/causes-of-stress

In a home situation the following may also cause stress.

Death of a loved one
Divorce
Moving
Major Illness
Job Loss
_____

Bereavement
Family illness
Separation from a partner
Moving location
Children's behaviour or educational performance

Would your husband be more open to you just needing to talk to someone about the recent stress of relocating as a way to "nip it in the bud" before it escalates into something else? You don't have to talk about mental illness just yet. Tell him you're feeling sad and think it would benefit the whole family if you talked to someone and worked it out.

That way you could at least get your foot in the door, and not have to go into an in-depth explanation.

Then you can slowly break him in.

[kris9999]

To Orange Blossom, thanks for the support it means so much to me. I did recently move and I know it causes stress and could possibly be one reason for all of my problems but it can't be any more stressful this time around. I have moved 28 times in the barely 22 years I have been alive so I have grown used to it and mostly enjoy moving and getting a fresh start. Kind of like I am running away from my problems at times.
My husband wont buy the "feeling blue" either. I've tried that on him and he says "Everyone feels like that sometimes get over it." My husband is a wonderful man he just is stubborn.
Thank you for the support though it means a lot again to me!

Kaika, thank you for the reply and the support as well. It's comforting knowing that I am not alone. I know I'm not but to actually find someone who has experienced the same thing and someone who I can be honest with and not hide this so they don't think I'm a psychotic freak, is nice.
One of the best weeks of my life was when I was put in a hospital. I asked to go and what made it so wonderful was that I was surrounded by people my age who were just like me, people who I could talk honestly and openly to and they listened and supported me. I forgot what that was like. Thank you for reminding me!

Yeah, sometimes I think all guys are like that. I mean, they are supportive of me going to therapy, but my dad and his family are the kind of people who even though they are very nice and great people they are also very conservative so ideas like mental illness in general they are against. And surprisingly, my step-dad hates commercials for anti-depressants, therapy, and all that jazz (he claims it's all a bunch of crap that doesn't work and is just societies take a pill for everything mentality even though he praises me for choosing to get help...um...what?)

Originally Posted by wanttoheal

I too have been doing something and think I am there the entire time only to find out I wasn't. I get so "proud" of myself thinking yay, I was present the whole time and then someone will talk about something that happened during that time period and I'm sitting there thinking, no, wait, what? It's frustrating.

This happens to me a lot and it IS frustrating. And what compounds it is that I DO know I was sitting there thinking "yay, I am SO here, I will totally remember this"...but I can't remember the thing I was thinking that about

Kris9999, I hope you can find the answers to some of your questions here