I didn't think it was that triggery, but I put on the icon just in case.

If I could dissociate at will

I'm back on the denial side of things and I really gotta say that I don't think I'm coming out of it any time soon. So I ...guess I'm just apologizing. I don't know, I feel really guilty about being here (or really any forum here on PC) lately. Mostly because I'm making mountains out of molehills when there are people out there who need help more then I do. I'm not really doing anything useful for anybody (Just taking up their time and energy) so I really would rather fizzle out into the background at this point but it looks like that isn't happening anytime soon.

[bipolar_bear]

(((((((((((((((((Kaika))))))))))))))))))) Please don't feel guilty about anything. This is a support group and that is what you need right now. Please accept what everyone freely and wants to give. Pain is real and I don't think there is a more or less. Please don't minimize yours. I hope you keep posting knowing there are people who care and want to be there for you.

BB

[Miracle1986]

(((((Kaika)))))
We you!!!

Thank you everyone

I just think that I've been deceiving everyone, because I think in trying to say how I feel it comes off as being more dramatic then it actually is. Though while I'm typing this I realize that when I write things here they are real to me at the time... so it's not like I'm trying to bait people's sympathy on a conscious level at least. Even though that would be the only motivation I can think of if my deeper issues have merely been fabricated to fit in here over the past 2 years (has it really been that long?) regardless of the label not I know that I do have issues with dissociation, even though I've always thought of it to be normal, and I also have anxiety issues that are also getting in the way of my life as well. (even if it's not far enough on the spectrum for an actual diagnosis)

[Miri]

Kaika, i think you are judging yourself rather harshly... Yeah, stay dissociated sounds good to me, so you are not alone in that. We all have our own reasons for why we feel the way we do, and sometimes we have no idea why. And yes, you may feel one way at one time and quite the opposite another - could that be a result of switching?
If you have an instinctive desire to be here, then in some way I think it must be helping you. So of course you should be here! No doubt life is confusing - i certainly feel that way. I think that if posting here is what you want to do, please do not stop. What would it feel like to stop? That may give you an idea of how important this place is for you. Also, depression may be affecting how you see yourself and then it would impact how you see yourself in relation to others.
Think about it, please.... I don't think anyone would wish you to disappear from here. I wouldn't. And i mean that most sincerely.
if safe

[Eriksplus]

Kaika,
Please do not stop posting here!
I agree with what has been said; this a support site, and if you have an instinctual need to be here, then by all means, stay!
I'll tell you right now that this site has kept us alive...
(Kay)Erik

Once again, thanks you guys
I wish I wasn't such a complicated human being sometimes (lol)

I'm not really sure when I should talk to my T about my issue with dissociation (not necessarily of the identity kind, because I also frequently depersonalize as well) because well... I really get the feeling of wanting someone to know in my offline life. I mean, even though it's something I'm utterly terrified it's also something that I want to be heard. I mean, my first 2 sessions went very well, but the last one went bad. Like, instinctively it seemed that I felt really uncomfortable and he didn't quite pick up on that so his responses made me cry (even though I tried my very hardest not to because I hate crying in front of other people) and you know I only tell him stuff when he asks questions not because I really feel comfortable doing so but because I know it's really the only way for things to progress. But this is different...because it's so difficult to even think about talking about it I really don't think I could handle his response.

I'm becoming brave.

I'm spilling my guts out in my diary (that until then I didn't write in) I'm putting as much in there as possible and giving it to T at the end of our next session (whenever that my be) I just can't live like this without someone else knowing and because I don't want my family to know (and I kinda would be awkward having my friends know) he's the person getting an ear full of it all.

I don't think I can possibly write everything about what is going on with these issues over the past YEAR now (lest my hand falls off) but I'm also going to write down the link to my PC blog in there in case he uses the internet so he can read more there. At first I felt scared but I don't anymore... even if I do feel sad now (and I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in my head right now)

Of course, after he gets it will probably when the panic starts setting in. God forbid if he wants me to read it out loud, or he reads it himself out loud. I don't think that's something I can handle.

I'm just hoping that all of the things wrong can't possible be written off as normal. (I hate it when that happens because then I don't think people really care enough to help ) which, after running through it in my head I know that something is up. But I'm not the professional so it's for him to decide.

[iamtwilight]

kaika, according to what i've heard, usually you have to read it yourself out loud, or he will read it. i think the point is that you bring what you wrote back to your mind (you might've dissociated while writing it) so you can talk about it. i don't know what happens if you e-mail stuff, maybe that's a little different.

anyway, it's great you're opening up to your t, that's very important. and yeah, i agree with keeping this stuff from the parents and friends - unless you really felt comfortable with them knowing, and knew how to undisclose it in a sort of a "comprehendable" way, it's usually best to keep it between you and your t. relationships are a healthy part of our lives, and of us, that's why we seek professional help so our sicknesses don't interfere with our healthy parts.

lots of safe to you, and keep on writing.

twilight

oh well, I reread stuff I write in my head all the time but maybe that's different (still don't want to do it, I think I'd die from fear and embarrassment and all of those other things)

I'm worried now that if I let my T read this he is going to think that I'm psychotic.