[MissCharlotte]

I fight a big battle most days. When I am driving home from work I have a huge urge to close my eyes. I know it's from stresses at work that bring out my young and scared parts. Before T left for vacation I left him a message and told him that I promised to drive carefully while he was gone so that I would be able to make our next appointment on September 10th. I have been so stressed while he's away that it has been very difficult. But every time I close my eyes I quickly open them because I promised T I would be safe. When I get home it's the head noise that bothers me--the screaming that I think is a child voice who is scared but I can't locate her entirely. I think maybe she is about 10.

[dreamland]

Originally Posted by MissCharlotte

I fight a big battle most days. When I am driving home from work I have a huge urge to close my eyes. I know it's from stresses at work that bring out my young and scared parts. Before T left for vacation I left him a message and told him that I promised to drive carefully while he was gone so that I would be able to make our next appointment on September 10th. I have been so stressed while he's away that it has been very difficult. But every time I close my eyes I quickly open them because I promised T I would be safe. When I get home it's the head noise that bothers me--the screaming that I think is a child voice who is scared but I can't locate her entirely. I think maybe she is about 10.

I understand your battle. I fight it to on a near-daily basis, especially when driving home from work. I'll also have an irresistible urge for my eyes to close and at some points can hardly keep them open. I'm sorry, I know how disconcerting it can be. Please be safe. I'm sorry about the head noise and screaming, it sounds scary. We are here offering safe hugs if you want them

[LivingMiracle]

I often find myself doing the same thing so you are not alone. It mostly happens when I am driving alone since I can only hear them. Have you tried turning the radio on? It helps me a little. Its easier to drive if you have someone there beside. I also drive with a stuff animal in my passenger seat so I have someone to talk to about my day. Maybe that will help some too.
Offering you hugs .
Sarah

[Fox]

I have the same trouble when I drive. I'm really nervous for tomorrow because I'll be driving an hour and a half one way to see my T. The furthest I've driven by myself was to the bank half an hour away. Not sure how many miles it is. This is a first for me so very scary. I know going to the bank by myself I don't know how I made it home I just appeared in my drive way and had a statement from the bank on the passenger seat.

I wish you the best of luck and maybe LM's suggestion about the stuffed animal will help you too. I think I might try that tomorrow. I have a stuffed bunny that I sleep with so maybe I could buckle it up so I have company.

My main reason why I don't drive: I don't trust myself to not dissociate while driving, with dangerous consequences since it is extremely important to be paying attention to all of your surroundings while driving. (Though my friend has faith in me :P)

[writingwithink]

I've been debating whether I should post anything here, but as a part-time remedial driving instructor, I've heard first-hand what taking your eyes off the road for just a moment can do. It can kill, and I've had folks in my class that have done just that. If anyone ever thinks his/her medical condition will even remotely put himself/herself or other drivers into harm, then he/she should hand over the keys. Sorry that this may seem strong, but I just had to post this. Granted, there are many days when I don't remember the drive home, but if I ever felt like I was going to have difficulty keeping my eyes open and maintaining the physical ability to drive safely, then I would call my partner to come get me.

[MissCharlotte]

I am a mother and if I don't go to work we will lose our home. I have no choice but to drive. So, I keep coming up with ways to keep safe and not have an accident.

[Luce]

Hi Miss C. I wanted to respond to you about the screaming ten year old. I had a similar thing once with a child part I was 'kind of' aware of but not entirely. I just wanted to tell you something I did that helped a lot with that, because it might be helpful for you to try too.
What I did with this screaming kid was talk to her in my head, all the time. Not expecting an answer or anything... but I talked to her like a parent would speak to a terrified real-life child, in a very calming soothing voice. I didn't know her name and she wouldn't give me one, so I told her I was going to give her a nickname that was special for her, and if she didn't like it it was up to her to let me know. (no answer, just screams). I talked to her in my head ALL the time... while cooking dinner, having a shower, driving the car, playing with my kid, everything. I showed her everything in my house (in case she was stuck back in time somewhere) and constantly reminded her she was safe and loved and that I would take care of her no matter what.
For a little while she just kept screaming, but then after a few days she stopped screaming sometimes and seemed to be listening (I talked real soft to her in my head so she had to stop screaming if she wanted to hear me!) then after a little bit longer she 'popped her head around the corner' (internally) to look at me every now and then. I responded by playing peek a boo, and got a few giggles.
So we built up our relationship like that, and pretty soon we were able to communicate with each other really well.
The thing that helped the most was, I think, allowing that part to trust me, and me showing her I was trustworthy by being consistent, and calm, and unafraid of her.
Anyway.. I was just thinking, when you wrote that a part of you was screaming and you weren't really aware of them much... I just thought that talking to her, without even expecting an answer at first, might help.

[wanttoheal]

Hi Miss Charlotte, it's good to see you here.

I don't know how much help I will be, but I've been wanting to respond to your post. My days seem to be disappearing lately, due to stress I imagine, and so an hour to me is like 40 days and nights to regular folk.

I don't actually remember driving a lot of times. I have talked to T at length about this because I was concerned. For the longest time, I didn't know it wasn't normal. I just thought I spaced out (which of course I did) and ended up somewhere. When I realized that this wasn't a normal thing (ie getting in the car and ending up somewhere else without even remembering getting out of the car), I got nervous that maybe I was going to get into an accident or something.

T knows me better than I do and she said that she has talked with whatever part(s) of myself that drive(s) to therapy and she is confident that I am as safe as anyone. Of course I could get into an accident, just like anyone, if triggered, just as I could if I wasn't dissociated and was triggered. Whatever part of me does the driving, she (I) seem to do okay.

I do know how to drive though it's not my favorite thing to do. I always just want to be done with it and be there (hmm, maybe that's why I am gone a lot of times). But it's always been this way for me. Before I knew what was going on for me, I didn't remember driving and I was safe. So after a lot of discussions with T, I don't worry about it anymore. I apparently learned to drive when I was 14 or 15 or 16 (not sure) and I'm old now so whichever part of me drives, she has had a lot of experience. One problem I do have though is ending up on a street and becoming aware and thinking I am in another state or street during a different time in my life. That could be why I get lost sometimes though.

Understand the head noise. I have constant crying inside my head, sometimes louder, sometimes more quiet. Between that and the chanting of the same words over and over again, I feel like I'm crazy. Something I found helps me when I feel bad is children's songs. I went out and got a CD with millions of children's songs. While I don't really listen to it consciously, having it on in the background seems to calm down inside at times.

As far as wanting to close your eyes, maybe you could open the window some or turn the AC on high? Or turn up the music or talk show on the radio or something?

This is an interesting topic and is giving me food for thought. Thanks for bringing it up.

[MissCharlotte]

Oh thank you all so very much. It's such a weird and dangerous problem. I caught myself today closing my eyes on the way home. I am convinced that it is a young part who wants "it" all to go away--the loneliness, the out-of-control feelings, the burden of overwhelming responsibility. I was left alone so much when I was young and I just know it is that young girl. The screamer is maybe different. She scares the part who closes her eyes. You see--when I was little I could just close my eyes and enter a fantasy world where everything was nice and lovely and beautiful. I loved to read--it was my salvation and I filled my soul with stories of all kinds--fairy tales, many many fairy tales. I read every Grimm's and Hans Christian Anderson. I read the Box Car Children, Nancy Drew, and the Bobsey Twins. I read Cherry Ames, and so on and so forth. I have discussed this with T and is is concerned because the urge to close my eyes happens after work--never on the way there. And it sometimes happens on the way home from T. So he said that's because something happened (at work or in therapy) to make me feel that way. Recently about two months ago, he was concerned enough to call H and invite him into my session because he said he didn't know how best to protect me. I think it's been bad the past week or so because T is on vacation and so the abandonment is triggered big time.

Luce--thank you so much for the idea of gentle discussion. I will try it for sure. Wantto, I want to (LOL) help the little me inside. I think I spent a long time pushing her away, keeping her locked up inside. T and I have discussed coping strategies and he said I MUST be prepared. The thing that works best is for me to listen to recordings of lectures (I love Pema Chodron) and/or books. It was stories that soothed this little girl so she needs stories again, I think. When I am listening I can stay engaged long enough to get home safely. So maybe some of you who said they have the same problem can try these too!

LM--I do have a stuffed animal. I might try bringing her with me for company.

Writing--thank you for caring to write. I do agree but must find a solution other than turning in the keys.