[kerria]

It's so hard to post and so painful to read my parts' writing. It's that somehow i expect someone to make it better and no one can. We're still so separated and no one can help.

This week we finally went back to t. after a 4 month absence to please our family. The session was so scary - i heard the differences in their voices and found out what my parts were thinking that i had no idea of.
i thought T would be afraid because it was so strange for one person to have so many people inside and most of them are suffering so much. We cried a half box of tissues worth, for so many different reasons and a part giggled uncontrolably. i really think that i can't get better, we're too separated. It's so confusing and hard to try to life with so much that i dislike about parts.

My h. was so angry that i went to t. It's so hard to have no comfort and never anyone who can make it better.
Can anyone relate? Is it hard for you to bear your parts and have to deal with rejection or worse- ignored or even agreement of others. Everything hurts when you are separated. Everything hurts when you have DID because we don't agree with what we say;(

and there is never anyone who can ever make it better
kerria

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((kerria)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

living with DID can be so hard. I don't tell anyone IRL of my dx...i never have. i don't know if you have, but i fear reaction then rejection and ridicule. I'm so sorry that your family is not supportive of t. hubby doesn't give me a hard time about it anymore. he used to, but he's come around some. he's seen me crazy, crazy so i think he thinks seeing t is ok now.

i can't imagine going thru what i'm going thru in t then coming home to hell every time. kerria, i'm so sorry that you go thru that. i don't talk about t, but i certainly don't get hell for it.

i understand everything you're saying about parts and t and everything. it's so hard sometimes. i live for the hope that things CAN get better. my life is so less crazy than it was, though, because t has helped me to see the relation and reactions that i get and how they apply. i hope the same for you very soon.

is there a way that t can talk with your family and explain some things? i pray so.

i'm sending you the best of wishes and thoughts right now hon. we're here for you. keep talking.

kd

[RhysMadison]

My family knows I'm DID. I grew up w/ support so that made me strong. I can also have an attitude. If you're gonna like me, you have to like ALL of mes. That doesn't mean I will go up to anybody & tell them. I do try to keep my mental & social separate. Like when I had my sign language group going. None of them knew I had any mental probs, diss, anx, panic, depression. I didn't want them to. Didn't want them looking at me differently. So in part, I didn't want to deal w/ rejection. I've been rejected quite a bit. Yet I keep trying to get that friend, that local friend. But I want people to know me as me not as my disorder.
Big hugs to you.
Love,
RhysMadison

[kerria]

((((((((((((Kimmydawn))))))))))))
(((((((((((RhysMadison)))))))))))
safe hugs

Thank you for being there and caring and writing about how it is for you too. Yes, it's so hard to live. The simplest things are so hard. i never told anyone but my h found out when i had to be admitted to a trauma unit. T and my psychiatrist talked with him another time about two years ago. It was a very difficult session for me. i was not able to raise my head up even once. H was talking about when he first met me and how i was so afraid to go home after we went out.

The only other people that ever found out was the psych teacher college who first noticed that i had DID and told me and the counselors there i think knew because they treated me so weird- like i was an alien or something. After that i made sure no one would know. A friend from church visited me when i was in the hospital so she found out. Then she came over my house to visit and said that it was messy and that there were demons there- in my house. i was so afraid about the demons that i drove to a park and ride lot and was going to sleep there instead of going home. No one understands- i don't want to get all spooked out again.

H used to think that i had demons. Now he's not sure but says T makes me worse. He didn't like T and he said that going to t ruined me. That i was forever ruined in my mind because of going to t. It's so hard to take because i have all this evidence against me (the way i act). He know that the violence at home hasn't helped me and i think that now he tries to understand.
He sees some of my parts - how differently they see him and how upset i get he just doesn't think that t will help. i don't know if it will help either. Thank you KD for saying that it becomes easier - i hope that it will for me too.
RhysMadison, i try to keep it all separate too, as much as i can. It gets so hard sometimes. i have a part that goes to an outdoor club that has a different name. Once someone asked, How come sometimes you say your name is ___ and sometimes___? My parts betray me by doing things that i'd never do- like getting angry at social security office and almost getting arrested. i'm withdrawn and quiet. The behavior gets out of control or i forget things and it's so hard to have to say, Sorry i forgot again and it doesn't make sense to people- like my boss at work. Then i am so angry at my parts, at myself. It's really frustrating. i wish i had things under control. i know that everyone has trouble with this. i read the other posts here and it' get discouraging thinking it won't become any better. i hope that it does. There's so much hurt and anger inside when people say things like," 'kerria' , you know you can't handle a full-time position here. You're late almost everyday. i don't want to be in a position to have to let you go because you can't get through the probationary period.' (my supervisor at work said recently) The part that works said yes to a full time position but she pulled me aside to say that we could never do it. Stuff like that hurts.
People don't know my dx but still the sx are evident. It's so frustrating to the part that works hard to be professional.
How do we manage not to hate ourself?

Thanks for being there,
kerria

[silver_queen]

(((((((((kerria)))))))))) that sounds so difficult for you. i'm sorry that you're not getting support at home about t and that you're finding work difficult to manage. that sounds like it would be hard for anyone, and especially so for somebody with DID.

[RhysMadison]

Kerria, the honesty in your post really touched me. I can definitely relate & understand. My dad used to think I had demons too 'cos I acted moody. People view mental illness as being possessed. How ignorant! I have a hard time w/ my name as well. My birth name is different from what "I" go by. 'cos the original personality "died" (integrated). So people keep calling me 'her' name. That's a little different than your situation.
I was fortunate to have a pact w/ my people. No one was to know they were out. Sure, people saw that I was strangely moody, cheerful one minute, biting your head off the next, but nobody thought of DID, they just thought I was a ******. So my people weren't as extravagent where real people would question their existence. Even my husband doesn't know how often 'they' are out. I tell him look at the eyes, my eyes get a glazed look when I'm not out. We had gotten in a fight awhile back. I had said something 'bout his mom (who I love). I told him, If it doesn't sound like me, act like me, then it's not "me". He understood that "I" wasn't the one downing his mom. I have support from him as well as my parents. I'm very fortunate that way.
I really hope you can find some good support here. We care 'bout you & we believe you.
Love,
RhysMadison

[Mahali]

kerria....*hugs* if wanted....I know it is hard but it really does get easier. If you can continue to work and learn to cooperate it does I swear get easier. There will be hard times but there are times now when I think how fortunate I am.

I never thought I would say that or feel that but I really do sometimes. You have to remember that when some of us "old timers" (speaking just for myself guys. lol) post it is in the worst times and not the better times.

If you want to talk I am here. Please feel free to pm.

Take care.

place

[kerria]

Thank you (((((((Silver)))))
(((((((RhysMadison)))))))
(((((((Place))))))) safe hugs if ok.

Thanks so much for being there, Thank you (((((((Ozzie))))))) (((((((sweet Crusader)))))))
(((((((Dayzee)))))))
Thanks Everyone that talked to us or read posts.

i think that we're having too hard a time to come here.

During the past week at least two of my posts were deleted and it doesn't feel like i'm accepted here. It's not your fault at all.
Rejection is too difficult to handle now. It makes me so worse because i have so much trouble already accepting my parts. When other people erase my posts it hurts too much. It's making it hurt and feel too yucky to come. i need to get better before i can handle coming here. i don't understand why two of my posts were deleted and hate my parts too much. Because of it, we feel all tied up in knots.

kerria

[Mahali]

kerria,

I know how hard it is. Please do what you have to to be safe. We would like you to stay but understand the need to be safe.

I think maybe they delete posts to keep others safe. It is not against you. It is what they feel is best for the good of the whole. Please don't feel like it is rejection of you.

Take special care of you.

place

[dayzee9]

(((((Kerria: If you're just checkin it out.......)))

Just this last Monday, they deleted an entire thread of mine; because I felt extremely hurt, pained, "like scum"(sorry, I grew up w/ ill-mannered brothers)I felt I had to go away & that way was to "check-out" I tried..I failed...I came back and found the same wonderful people who really did care about me & wanted me to get the help I needed, also. Oh, Kerria..........I can really feel your pain.........it burns like fire in your soul? Rest, Kerria!
And don't do anything like I tried. There is an infinite power that "keeps us here"...for a reason. Be safe, now....but please just check w/ us when you feel your inner strength kicks back in........I know I'll still be here for ya! I say "Never say Die"...why?....I'm tired of tryin! So, I guess I'm "supposed to be here." (Even on those days when I would really rather not!) Just Keep the faith!((((((((((rest easy, kerria from Dayzee (Laura))))

[fairygirl]

dayzee
great to see you

glad youre hear
KC

kerria,

sweetie no one here hates your parts. It makes me sad to hear that some of you hate your own parts.

sometimes being here in a support community it can be challenging because there is a balance in what is for the whole of the community and what is for the individual safety of members. I can understand how it could feel if an administrative action 'took away my words'. I'd be hopping mad! In those moments I'm not able to understand the larger picture of community and safety of community but instead get stuck in the 'how could this be happening to me?!' incredulity of it all.

Then after the passage of some time I'm better able to put the situation into context and understand that any removal of my posts was due to administrative actions that had nothing to do with my posts personally. If no one has contacted me with a PM regarding my posts then I assume that my posting style is okay within guidelines.

Please don't hate yourself/selves for admin. actions that have nothing to do with your words!! Really sweetie!

Slowly untie those knots and take your time in getting back here. PM with people until you feel like posting again. Do what you need to for your safety.

We're here and will be so whenever you're ready to c'mon back.
fondly,

[INaBOX]

How's it possible for people to delete other's posts? This is an open forum to discuss whichever issue that affects us. You don't have to like or agree with what you read. I think it's really important to keep an objective view-point and respect others who are writing these posts. Sorry to hear yours were deleted.

I'm not very familiar with DID nor do I understand it's lingo. What's: dx, sx, t? I'm assuming t stands for therapist?

How do you typically know that you suffer from DID and not Schizophrenia or Bi-Polar or some other "label" that dwells upon us all? I'm interested in learning more about this topic and I hope I'm not offending anyone here for asking.

Thank you.